Approaching potential porn usage

[sensitivesubject1980]

Morning,

I have name changed for this as I’m a regular, been her over 20 years.

So DS2 is almost 17. We’ve had an issue the last couple of years that has built up and up and now I’m really starting to question what’s going on.

DS uses the toilet a lot during the day, gets up in the morning and spends at least 30 mins sat there, at least an hour when he gets in from college/work, probably will spend another hour later in the day.

What’s been really noticeable, is I haven’t been sleeping well this week, and have realised he also goes to the bathroom within minutes of his supposed bedtime and again, is there for ages - we hadn’t spotted this as he goes to bed after us.

DS is ND, he does have an obsessive nature, and my gut feeling is that he is probably looking at porn.

I know responses will tell me that he’s a 17 year old lad and it’s natural to be inquisitive, but my gut feeling is that if he is, the level of time is extreme and it worries me that he may be getting dragged into something.

A couple of years ago we had a serious incident with DS online, getting involved with something online. We then monitored his internet access for a year using an app that showed us on our phones what he was googling. After time we took it off as we felt he’d proven that the incident was a one off - big regret, but he was 15 and we felt we needed to start trusting him again.

So to today, I feel I want to broach the subject. DH and I have agreed it’s best coming from me - we all have a good relationship with DS, but I’m the one he’d come to with more sensitive subjects (health/mental health).
I wonder if anyone had any tips on how to raise this? I don’t want him to think looking online is shameful, we appreciate that young people do do it but it’s the amount of time and the impact it’s having on him - he’s tired in the mornings as obviously it’s restricting his sleep.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing, his mental health isn’t the best at the best of times, but I still think something needs to be said. I want to check he’s ok and doing whatever it is safely.

I have 3 teens and regularly talk about porn with them. Remind them that they don't know if the people they're watching being forced into something.If they're being trafficked and how it's a bit like cartoon sex and nothing like real sex.
I talk about the violent nature of porn And how sex shouldn't be like that. Also how anal sex was very rare for women in the 90s and how now it is expected, but can cause problems.
DH Also have made it really hard for them by making sure our WiFi and their data packs are safety featured. So they have to find their own ways to watch it.If they want to.

How does porn get through your router?

have you ever talked about porn before with him? I approached it on a walk: talked about why I thought porn was problematic and focussed on causing problems in being able to have normal connections and relationships. There are some good resources about the damage porn watching does to men and boys and their ability to have normal sex and relationships. Will add link later when home if no-one else has by then and if I can find it; am away for the weekend atm.

Do you have any other reason to suspect porn? He might just be spending ages showering/pooping?

Mobile data? We definitely have the settings high on our home WiFi, we can’t even book a table at our local pub as we have restrictions on!

Nope, nothing.

I’ve had my suspicions for a while, he just claimed it took him a long time on the loo/he was distracted by being on his phone. We told him a while ago to start leaving his phone outside the bathroom (horrible habit anyway!) and it lasted all of a day then he was taking it back in again.

The most noticeable thing was this week, hearing him going into the bathroom for a length of time just after he’d gone to bed. That’s what made me really start to think something was definitely going on. Plus it was impacting his sleep and meaning he was so tired in the morning.

We spoke about it a couple of years ago after there was an incident online.

He has a bedtime at 17?

So I spoke to DS yesterday, I was right he is looking online at porn.
We had a good chat about it, I rehearsed in my head what I wanted to say that didn’t shame him so he had the confidence to tell me everything without thinking I was going to bite his head off.

Yeah, why wouldn’t he? He gets up at 6.30/6.45 and goes to bed somewhere between 11 and 11.30

why wouldn’t he have a bed time? He is 17?

Sorry @Crofthead, I’m lost by what your point is?

@Crofthead it could be a self directed bedtime at 17; just because he has a “bedtime” doesn’t mean mummy is telling him to go to bed at that time. However, as he has additional needs, perhaps that direction from parents is necessary!

Also, you’ve missed the point somewhat.

I’m glad you’ve spoken to him @sensitivesubject1980 . I found out my son with adhd was looking at porn out of curiosity, and I just told him that it wasn’t real life. He was only 13 at the time though!

Exactly it @Zippidydoodah, we don’t dictate a time! He is ND, and so we do have to have conversations around the need for sleep etc, but ultimately it’s up to him if he chooses to listen to us or not

@CroftheadI think OP just means the time he goes to bed. I'm 41 and have a bedtime as such. Don't like seeing the wrong side of 11. Anyway not the point.
OP it's a tough line at 17 to know what the right approach is, and with mobile data difficult to manage what he's accessing. Much online porn still needs ages verification though. I would approach it head on and say this is what I'm worried about, can you show me what you're looking at on your phone. If you think that he is hiding something it might be worth a chat with the pastoral team at his sixth form or college, I run a sixth form and would happily work with a parent to broach this with a 17 year old.

Thanks @Zippidydoodah, we had a great chat and I thought it would be, I just came here wanting tips in case there was something I was missing

Whether we like it or not, a 17 year old lad who doesn’t have a girlfriend wanking to online porn multiple times a day is completely normal. It would be more unusual & concerning if he wasn’t.

Goodness well done for talking to him. Having done so, do you have any tips about how to approach this conversation? What did you find worked?
I hope your son navigates this successfully.

No it wouldn’t. Wanking is different to wanking to online porn. we need to stop normalising this and refusing to speak about it - well done op for addressing it and continuing to talk about why it’s so problematic.

I decided to rather than go into it with the “Are you looking at porn?” question, I instead said I had noticed some things, in particular the night bathroom session, and wanted to have a chat in case my concerns are true. Talked about AI, deepfake, young girls being made to look older, grooming, being forced to do etc etc.

So rather than hit him with a direct question, have the conversation in the hope he would then say, actually I do watch/look - which he did.

Fortunately, deep conversations is something that’s quite normal with DS, he enjoys debates and opinions about interesting subjects, so whilst it’s not a subject we’ve spoken about recently, he’s generally comfortable talking about sensitive stuff - for example the other day he asked me what my thoughts were around abortion, and it started a great chat between us.

Definitely this. Porn is incredibly harmful for teenage boys when accessed at this level of several hours per day for 1hr+ at a time. In terms of the NSPCC advice, this constitutes sexually harmful behaviour because of the impact on a developing mind and the disruption it causes to healthy sexual development. Well done for supporting your son with it op.

Well done OP. Sounds like you’ve handled this brilliantly.

For related reasons I ordered the book Intimacy by Ben Dunks for my DS16. It’s really good; aimed at 16-22 yo, quite explicit but in a brotherly way that engages trust, very responsible, but also relatable. Deals well with the worst modern issues (porn, choking etc) whilst explaining how they can develop very positive sex lives. https://amzn.eu/d/8cqxFD6