DD doesn’t want therapy for SH

[SunriseMoon]

My DD is 15 and has been self harming for a year. She recently agreed to come to the GP and then to speak to a therapist. But when it came to it, she wouldn’t go to the session with the therapist.

I’m at a loss what to do next. I’m calm and nonjudgmental, she can talk to me about it. Had therapy for myself. Offered all the apps, an online course, snapping hairbands, holding ice cubes… she’s not in the least bit interested. I think she simply doesn’t see the problem and doesn’t want to stop.

Any advice from those who’ve been here as a parent or teen very welcome.

It’s really hard to deal with, and the reason they do it is a coping mechanism, others smoke, drink, gym, gamble, shop etc, but often teens SH. my DD was 13 and started SH due to an existential crisis and she literally broke. Turns out she was autistic after a rapid 1.5 years (yep rapid!) diagnosis. I took her to counselling and they suggested just making sure she had clean things to use, cleaning materials like diluted hydrogen peroxide and alcohol wipes / Savlon to keep the cuts clean. She was doing it 4-5 times a week then, that lasted a short time and it became much less over a bit of time. It’s 4 years later now and SH is rare now, she had to be
schooled from home (with tutors paid by the school), and has recently started college, big stress there but so far no SH thankfully.

I’m not sure what else you can do. Keep offering the therapy, was there something about that particular set up that she didn’t like?

my DC has been self harming for about 3 years. Seeing a therapist was not a magic button, but a gradual reduction has taken place… I never really bought into the whole remove all sharp objects (school wouldn’t let her have a compass in her maths equipment for example) as it is impossible to fully remove all possible cutting devices from your home - i would agree regarding making it as safe and clean as possible.

I make sure she has plenty of alcohol wipes, plasters etc. I won’t be giving her things to cut herself with.

Im struggling with the prospect of it needing to get to a point where she scares herself before accepting it’s a problem.

I’m frustrated that I’ve followed all the advice but things seem to just get worse and worse. It’s truly hellish to watch and be completely powerless to help her.

No one seems to have a positive story that doesn’t involve therapy. But how do I get her there?

i can see your point of view but not providing safe cutting items can run the risk of infection / sepsis etc, my DD used scissors that were a bit rusty, and an old pencil sharpener blade, again, had some rust - it hurts me to the core to buy blades but it’s at least ‘safe’ in the infection side of things.
my DD had counselling and still gets counselling now, she’s quite happy to get help so perhaps that’s where we differ because she was at a point where she knew she needed help - good luck and I hope she comes around to the thought of therapy x

I mean this kindly. I have personal and professional experience, and I think what you need to do is work on your own response to this. Your DD will go to therapy when she is ready, and in the meantime, your anxiety is understandably leaping off the screen. She will be aware of it too, and so managing your own response is the most powerful thing you can do to support her. it will show her you trust her, and that you can give her space to work through.
my own dd went to therapy when I backed off.
take a lot of care, OP. It’s really hard.

Self harm is a mechanism for coping driven by another underlying cause. Therapy will help with getting to the identification of the underlying cause / MH issue but until the individual is willing to accept and take part in therapy there is little you can do to get them there - particularly a 15 year old who currently doesn’t see the problem or want to stop. It’s actually a complex area to unravel and there can be multiple reasons for your DD behaviour ( sadly in some cases it can also include getting a “high” from the attention the SH brings ) I feel for you as it’s frightening and very difficult that you can’t just make it all go away and stop.

As others have said making sure there are clean things to use and cleaning materials will help with the practical side of avoiding infection. Do you have any ideas as to what is causing her to self harm - does she hate school / is she under pressure to do well in exams / is she being bullied ? Perhaps approaching from the angle of her feelings and what is happening in her life - not the SH - might help to get to the underlying cause(s). Gently offer therapy as a suggested way to help with those feelings and difficulties rather than dealing with the SH, but don’t insist / tell her she must as this as this will only entrench views until she is ready herself.

SH happened with a niece and by using this approach over time we got her to accept that a therapist would be helpful to understand and find solutions for the underlying cause which in turn resulted in a reduction and then stopping of the SH. Ultimately her underlying MH issue was depression and anxiety that she wouldn’t get the grades she wanted for uni, coupled with Social Media pressure to conform with others in her peer group. (She was a jeans and trainers sporty girl, many others in her school year were long big blow wave hair, makeup etc. )

I haven’t been through this myself but I’m wondering whether introducing a different coping mechanism might help? Gym works really well for teens because it burns off the stress but also helps with body image etc.

Would she do that if it was presented as a new activity/routine rather than anything to do with the self harm?

Thank you, I understand this in theory and I don’t react to her in the same way I’m posting on here. When you say she went to therapy when you backed off, what do you mean?

Sometimes, we can pick up on the emotions of others whether we are explicit about them or not. One of the things I realised is that my anxiety, whether or not I thought my DD knew about it, was impacting her.
What I mean by backing off, is processing my own stuff in therapy, and allowing her the space to process hers, without any pressure to do anything / go to therapy. When I started to feel in myself that I absolutely trusted her to make her own choices, she made healthier choices for herself, including deciding that therapy might help.
I hope that helps you a little.