Son blames everyone else for everything all the time

[Helpmeunderstand92724]

How do we get him to stop this or look at things from a differnt perspective? Will he always be this way or will he grow out of it.

His puberty has ramped up fast and hes changed very fast. He's angry, stubborn, argumentative, thinks hes always right and won't ever make accountability for things.

At school if he gets a detention for example he will always say he didn't do anything and its the teachers fault.
At home he always blames his dad for everything. Yet does nothing we ask. We have been asking him for his washing dor 2 days now multiple times and still dont have it. But he gets angry with us when we keep asking?

Where are we going wrong and how should handle this new trait?

I could have written this exact post myself, I sympathise hugely with you. My previously funny gentle and jolly child has turned into a shout angry monster. Everything is everyone else's fault. Questions are met with shouting. Just looking for arguments. Demanding, ungrateful and rude. At the moment I'm keeping my distance because I can't deal with the unpleasantness. Apparently they turn back to normal in their 20s.

Hmmmmm hesitate to mention it.

ADHD? Blaming someone else is a thing. So is the rest.

Sounds like he could become a Cabinet Minister.

We have just been through cahms and they've refused to accept him onto the adhd pathway as they say he doesn't meet enough of the criteria. This is the second time we've tried.
To all of his teachers throughout his life and everyone who knows him have all said they think he has adhd , but someone hes met for 30 minutes gets to make the decision.
We still believe that he has it, but do we deal with this massive change in behaviour since puberty?
My mum and dad have had a chat with him about it today and hes not accepted anything they've said, was very defensive and now is saying to me he doesn't want to see them anymore

Drop the rope. Stop being responsible for anything that isn't going to affect him longterm. It's a mind boggling combination of wanting independence, laziness, entitlement and defensiveness. Non of it makes sense because it's all in contradiction. Try your best to let him work through it. Have high expectations, but don't help him

He gets a detention at school, express your disappointment with a brusk "oh, I see" and don't engage further

He doesn't put his clothes to the wash, he doesn't have clean clothes. Don't remind him, don't do it for him. Tell him he looks a state and his clothes smell. He's not an idiot. He'll figure it out

Separate yourself (and your sense of being a good parent) from his behaviour. Let him live with the consequences of his actions or in-actions. Let him fail (where it's not going to affect his long-term health or happiness)

I think you might have more success by dropping the rope here.

he hasn’t brought out the washing- he has to wear dirty clothes. I would mention it once and then leave him to it. Ask him then what he thinks would be a good solution going forward to avoid the panic when he’s already late.

He got a detention- oh well, it’s happened a few times, I’m sure he’ll know which trouble causers to avoid.

You feel he’s ready to go off on one: ask him “how do you feel about us respectfully agreeing to disagree”.

If you think he has too much screen time- say “I notice that my screen time is too high so I’ve decided to turn off Wi-fi from x o’clock”

… and a total cross post with socktree

My teen dc is/was the same and the teachers always used to write on their report that they needed to listen to the views of others or accept responsibility for things. I don’t know if they got anywhere particularly but at age 18 it doesn’t come up quite so much. My dc was a horrendous teenager all round starting at age 10, both at school and at home. (Diagnosed behaviour condition.)

And stick together! Don’t agree with son when he is blaming your husband. Let him see that you support your husband.
We have a similar personality child here and I sometimes make plans for a solo future when I get fed up of being the family scapegoat