Where can I get help for my sons behaviour

itsjustnoton · 2025-11-04T15:29:13+00:00

This will sound awful but I’m really struggling with my 11 year olds behaviour. He is just so rude and mean and it’s all the time he is also extremely negative, always tries to cause arguments or look for problems. He constantly fights and argues with his siblings and just tries to constantly upset people. My other children are not like this so I don’t know why he is but it’s making it very hard to get on with him and be around him. He is not being bullied, Has anyone ever experienced this? Does it get better? All day he has been attempting to leave the house even though he has nowhere to go and ive had to stop him because he keeps trying to sneak out to punish me for telling him off. I’ve tried to ask this on other groups but all it was was gentle parenting how I should apologise to him? So I’m not allowed to discipline him? He has come home from school sworn at my daughter shouted at her and slammed the door and went upstairs.

Original poster

itsjustnoton · 04/11/2025 18:30

Bumping

OP posts:

selondon28 · 04/11/2025 18:46

A lot of that sounds very familiar to me with my 10-year-old. I guess there’s a few things I would say. First of all, in terms of what was going on in his life, you wouldn’t look at it and say oh he has a really terrible situation in any aspect, but actually things that he was dealing with and coping with, which didn’t necessarily present as really serious stresses, actually were wearing him down. Once we looked into things like homework and friendships a bit more it was clear they were a source of pressure for him, however well he seemed to be coping with them. For example, his friendships at school didn’t involve bullying or anything as serious as that, but were nonetheless quite tricky and felt fragile to him. So what he really wanted and needed more than anything was to spend time with his friends and strengthen those relationships outside of school. So we make sure he gets to do that as much as possible, which has involved giving him more independence so that the logistics can work, which he has clearly also really appreciated. We also found him someone to talk to. He sees an art therapist once a week. I wasn’t necessarily convinced by that but he’s a v stubborn boy and if he didn’t want to go and see her, we’d know about it. So he clearly values the time with her and it’s worth it, despite being a logistical pain for us! And of course I know that isn’t an option for everyone. But, fundamentally, he is also who he is. I have three kids and he is a far and away my most challenging one to deal with, despite the same secure and loving home environment as his siblings. So also I just try to accept who he is and constantly dredge up patience. Two friends I have who are both child psychiatrists also recommended Dr Becky online for helping give you ideas about how to deal with this kind of behaviour and maybe see it differently or approach it. I haven’t used it much but is another resource worth looking into. And finally, I’ve also found reading a couple of books about parenting boys really helpful. My eldest is a girl but then I have two boys and I recently read a book called boymom by Ruth Whitman, and getting that insight into how boys are experiencing the world and their education setting and their friendships was really useful to me and, again, gave me that bit more patience with him and a bit more of a deeper understanding of his perspective. So no answers for you I’m afraid, but absolute total solidarity.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 04/11/2025 18:47

What consequences for his behaviour?

Original poster

itsjustnoton · 04/11/2025 19:08

selondon28 · 04/11/2025 18:46

A lot of that sounds very familiar to me with my 10-year-old. I guess there’s a few things I would say. First of all, in terms of what was going on in his life, you wouldn’t look at it and say oh he has a really terrible situation in any aspect, but actually things that he was dealing with and coping with, which didn’t necessarily present as really serious stresses, actually were wearing him down. Once we looked into things like homework and friendships a bit more it was clear they were a source of pressure for him, however well he seemed to be coping with them. For example, his friendships at school didn’t involve bullying or anything as serious as that, but were nonetheless quite tricky and felt fragile to him. So what he really wanted and needed more than anything was to spend time with his friends and strengthen those relationships outside of school. So we make sure he gets to do that as much as possible, which has involved giving him more independence so that the logistics can work, which he has clearly also really appreciated. We also found him someone to talk to. He sees an art therapist once a week. I wasn’t necessarily convinced by that but he’s a v stubborn boy and if he didn’t want to go and see her, we’d know about it. So he clearly values the time with her and it’s worth it, despite being a logistical pain for us! And of course I know that isn’t an option for everyone. But, fundamentally, he is also who he is. I have three kids and he is a far and away my most challenging one to deal with, despite the same secure and loving home environment as his siblings. So also I just try to accept who he is and constantly dredge up patience. Two friends I have who are both child psychiatrists also recommended Dr Becky online for helping give you ideas about how to deal with this kind of behaviour and maybe see it differently or approach it. I haven’t used it much but is another resource worth looking into. And finally, I’ve also found reading a couple of books about parenting boys really helpful. My eldest is a girl but then I have two boys and I recently read a book called boymom by Ruth Whitman, and getting that insight into how boys are experiencing the world and their education setting and their friendships was really useful to me and, again, gave me that bit more patience with him and a bit more of a deeper understanding of his perspective. So no answers for you I’m afraid, but absolute total solidarity.

Thank you this really helpful, it helps to know I’m not alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

itsjustnoton · 04/11/2025 19:09

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 04/11/2025 18:47

What consequences for his behaviour?

Removal of devices, sent to his room.

OP posts:

StuffyHuffyPuffy · 04/11/2025 19:15

Have you considered a meeting with a health professional about the behaviour?

I say this as I know a boy like you've described (family). I'm starting to think he doesn't have much control over his behaviour. I now think he might be ND. It's made me feel a bit ashamed of my expectations for him. Now, I see a boy who is struggling and needs help.

Original poster

itsjustnoton · 04/11/2025 19:35

He is awaiting assessment for autism but I didn’t include that as it’s not an excuse to be mean to people, call people names swear at siblings, hurt them and cause arguments that’s not a ND trait and don’t want to excuse his behaviour as “ND”

OP posts:

StuffyHuffyPuffy · 04/11/2025 20:24

This is why I asked about a health professional, preferably, one who'd take a look at the fuller picture. Your son is going out of his way to upset others, using aggression, foul language, manipulation and anger. If all you've been offered is an autism assessment, you need more than that. Personally I'd start with a good child psychiatrist, or child psychologist. You need effective support and strategies to deal with your son, and it's better coming from professionals who have taken the time to try to understand him.