Hurtful words

[Loulou1969]

Hi my dd is in second year uni and seems to be ok she usually comes home for a weekend regularly for a break and home comforts , I do know that she’s drinking and out a lot at uni so she’s tired

However for the last couple of weeks she’s being very nasty to me via what’s app accusing me of wrecking her life during Covid as I wouldn’t let her out with friends , I had elderly parents that were vunerable & like most done as the government advised she’s got it into her head that I have damaged her mental health . This is just one particular thing that she blames me for but the verbal is really getting out of hand now and I’ve had enough . As a parent I’ve always done my best for her and love her so much but this horrible streak is really getting me down
I even took some money off her allowance yesterday as she was being very nasty . I tried talking to her a few days ago but she’s reluctant I’m just wondering if there’s something bothering her but she said there’s nothing , I’m the problem apparently. I wouldn’t have spoken to my mum the way in which she speaks to me it’s really hurtful .
Is anyone going through this ? Any advice as I’m sick of it

I thought you were going to say she was 15

but at 19/20, this is particularly disturbing because she should have grown out of the teen silliness.

and what she is accusing you of is simply illogical.

is her mental health ok? Is she happy at uni? Thriving?.

is her father around? Siblings?

Thankyou for your reply , she’s an only child she has 2 half siblings . Year one was rocky and she was rejected out of a house share at the last minute by her flat mates , she is staying in halls with another friend and told me she’s loving it and her course . I have to admit she is a feisty girl . I thought that the partying would have calmed down a bit in year 2 but she can’t keep still
I know that essays are piling up but she’s out every night . My dd has always needed sleep and if she doesn’t she’s a nightmare . I’m just so fed up with her attitude & accusations .

And previous to this - close loving relationship? This is completely out the blue?

She sounds angry and unhappy.

I think I’d be worried more than anything. Could you arrange to visit her, maybe get a hotel for the night and spend some one to one time with her?

she was rejected out of a house share at the last minute by her flat mates

bloody hell I missed this

why?

Tell her if she carries on you'll be blocking her for your own mental health! It's not fair to abuse and blame you. You did what you were advised to by the government. Her friends likely wouldn't have even be allowed to see her either and they wouldn't have exactly had a great social life - even the playgrounds were caution taped over and bolted shut! So what is she expecting different. Tell her you're sorry about the effects on MH across all young people at that time, it's a tragedy but you're not responsible and her anger should be talked through and unpacked with student mental health support via her uni GP or student services.

You can be firm but kind and tell her you don't want to hear any more about it as you think it's harming her mental health even more to ruminate and be aggressive towards you and it's not effectively working through her feelings, and you'll support her if she wants to access free counselling via her uni etc. You love her and are sorry she feels this way so often recently but it's unfair to take it out on you, so it needs to stop now. Etc x

Sounds like there's a problem and she's lashing out. That's still not acceptable at 19/20 to try and shift the blame onto your parent. It happened to me, DS went to uni, became extremely obnoxious (not normally his nature at all) ended up failing his first year. Went back at unis invitation to repeat first year and by just before Easter was failing badly but covering it up by becoming increasingly obnoxious to me. I ended up doing the good old 'nail them to the floor' conversation, turned out he owed 6 essays and was completely out of his depth in a relationship. He gave permission for me to talk to.his tutors , it really wasn't working (he was also still in halls whilst his peers had moved into accommodation) his relationship was extremely toxic. He withdrew from uni, it's possible to get the uni to withdraw on mental health grounds and retain their right to student finance. My only proviso was he had to get a job , any job as he wanted to stay living in the uni area. That was 2022, he's now working full time in a niche field and enjoying his life (and is far less obnoxious!)
Time for a sit down honest chat with your dd about what is really going on. I'm assuming that because you say half siblings you're separated from her dad? My ds always saw me as his 'safe space' as he couldn't be honest with his dad at all. Drill down a bit and find out what's actually going on whilst making clear you're not her verbal punch bag!

Thankyou all for your replies it is a big concern Lightuptheroom I’m pleased to hear that all is well with your DS.
I am with OH , my dd has always been fiesty from a young age but she comes from a loving supportive home , I have been firm with her when necessary, I think Covid had a mental impact on everyone including myself , I was so petrified but shopping for my dad and in-laws as they are elderly . It was a terrible time but I’ve moved on , what my dd is doing is lashing out over Covid as it’s something to have a go at me about , her words have been very hurtful .
She was never academic at school & was a bit of a handful messing about a fair bit , we never thought that she would go to uni but I feel that she wanted freedom we discussed an apprenticeship with her but she wasn’t interested.
We supported her through applying to a uni and she went through the normal partying in year one but I think it’s still ongoing , my OH told her that’s fine as long as she finds a balance of studying and keeping up with her course work , I know that a few of her friends don’t attend lectures , she’s coming home this week so I’m hoping that we can have a calm conversation without her blaming me for everything that’s going wrong in her life .
I’ve really had enough she rants at me with really hurtful things then apologises and does the same thing the following week .

can you take her out for lunch somewhere calm and just be very very clear with her - say it's natural to look back with distress and even some level of trauma at covid and how all of us experienced it. We made decisions based on the rules and also the level of fear at the time.

She might need to feel heard - it was traumatic for young people - my own children were younger but one of them was left with lasting OCD type phobias from the covid regulations. And I was anti them at the time!

You can then say - being angry with you is not reasonable and you are not prepared to take rudeness anymore. And then a bit of gentle mum advice about making sure there is learning taking place at Uni as well as fun.

I mean part of this is there is too much communication from young people to parents - when I was at uni we had a landline and I barely ever spoke to my mum!

Perhaps she needs to focus on uni a bit more and you need less chat!

Why did her flatmates come together and say she could no longer live with them?

Im sure she didn’t tell me the real reason but apparently they just didn’t get on , I don’t expect her to tell me everything but I’ve always reassured her that I’m always here if she needs me .
She has spoken to my oh and said she wants nothing to do with me , I’ve always supported her and I feel I’ve been a good mum
I think something else is going on My oh is going to phone her again tomorrow