In despair over DD13

[Indespairmum]

My daughter’s behaviour has been up and down for over a year. Last year included A&E visits, CAMHS, counselling and school involvement. Things seem to calm down most of the time this year until the last 5 weeks. She has been with her boyfriend for 7 months and the last 5 weeks have been overwhelming. She was getting herself in trouble at school to ‘declare her love’ and school informed of a safeguarding issue which resulted in her being grounded and no access to digital devices. 2 weeks into a month of being grounded she ran away, her friend told me she was with her boyfriend so I went and to pick her up. She attacked me and her boyfriend’s mum rang the police. She then made an allegation about me to deflect from her behaviour. She attacked me again a few days later. I have been in contact with school a lot and trying to get support from other agencies. Children’s services say there are no child protection issues so looking at Targeted Early Help. Worker came Wednesday.
She had a good couple of days so I said she could go trick or treating due to it probably being her last time. She came home and attacked me again and was slamming doors. One neighbour came to check everything was ok. The other has reported it to the police online. Saturday I was going to go out for coffee. And she ran away again. Police phoned and I explained what had been going on. She’s then made another allegation when they found her! The policeman showed bad attitude towards me. I rang duty social worker and they’re saying I’m doing everything I can.

I’m at my wits end! I’m told to phone the police when she keeps doing these things but she deflects from her behaviour making allegations about me or other people.

I am really concerned about her behaviour and presentation. Professionals keep pushing ASD and ADHD assessments but I’ve been trying to get these for a year and label won’t actually change the behaviour.

I feel unsafe in my own home, feel trapped here because she will just runaway. It’s impacting my work and my health.

I’m a lone parent so no support.

Any advice please?

A label won’t change the behaviour, but treatment for ADHD will.

DS1 spent the first 3 years of school falling off his chair and getting into fights. ADHD medication literally changed the course of his entire life and he’s now top set/follows rules and routines (Y8). He’s simply not able to without meds.

(Basically, if you can pay for an ADHD assessment, treatment is available).

Diagnosis could be helpful to suggest strategies and so you and she don't blame yourselves unduly.

It is very common for undiagnosed ASD girls to have big problems with the year 6 to 7 transition.

I’ve looked at paying for the assessments privately but social services suggested to wait and do right to choose.
I don’t think she’ll meet threshold for medication. I personally think it’s more ASD that she’ll get diagnosed with, she has always had issues socially and doesn’t really have friends.

ASD and ADHD are often ‘paired’; it would still be worth investigating both.

Yes I would be getting her assessed for both. School were supposed to be starting the process last October. She walked out when they met to talk to her

I’d be surprised if they don’t explore medication with her with what you’ve described, my son shows little to no issues in school with his ADHD/ASD and we had no issues getting him medicated.

You said you are waiting for right to choose, how long have you been waiting? Have you tried multiple clinics?

Family worker is ringing the clinics as most are still 12 month+ lists but a couple are due to start opening lists to young people winter/January.
If I go private there’s still a high chance she won’t engage. She’s being very oppositional and manipulative

Have you been on the ADHD charity website? They usually have a list of clinics currently taking on, you don’t need a family worker to do it, you can yourself (I’m a bit of a control freak and like to have a grasp of a situation). We went through Psicon last year, application went in January, we had the ASD assessment by late spring and ADHD early autumn. It took a few more months after that to get to titration.

It’s worth being proactive as the clinics wait times change all the time as they close and open books.

Although just missed your last sentence, I’m so sorry how challenging this is for you.

I would act as though she has a ND diagnosis. If it turns out that she doesn’t then it won’t matter, none of the strategies are harmful to NT children.
Look at strategies for parenting PDA children, look at children with high anxiety and the effect that can have on their behaviours.
Have you heard of NVR parenting? https://www.nvrparenting.com It might be helpful.
For kids like your DD you have to let go of everything you thought parenting was, and all the ideas and strategies everyone else thinks you should be doing (like being ‘firm’ or ‘not letting her get away with it’), and parent the child you have in front of you.

Agree with the above. ADHD also causes friendship issues especially if there is a lot of impulsive behaviour and emotional volatility which it sounds like there is with your DD.

I can see it’s very difficult if she refuses to engage with the process though. Does she say why she won’t cooperate? Does she hate the idea of a diagnosis or is it more just being difficult on principle?

Another one with a child with ADHD and Autism where the meds are making just enough of a difference that life is livable though often quite a challenge.

Thank you for all your responses.
Post meltdowns she gets embarrassed and confused so will not discuss her behaviours. As I mentioned she’d often make allegations to deflect from what she is doing so this makes it more difficult.

I will look at the parenting stuff suggested. It just feels all so overwhelming for both of us. Maybe I need to open my eyes more to the fact medication could be the way.

She also has a fear of being seen as ‘weird’ and we’ve discussed famous people with diagnosis so I’m hoping that she’ll see it’s not weird. She seems to have become more judgmental as she’s gotten older.

Yes I can see mine being like that. 13 is an age for just wanting to be the same as everyone else so I can see she might resist any “different” label.

How is her school about neurodiversity? Are they open and positive about it, do they have assemblies with ND kids speaking and that sort of thing… DD’s old school did that and I think it was so helpful.

I will enquire more next week, they’re currently still on half term. She does visit the inclusion hub for support and knows others that have adhd. She does know something isn’t ‘right’ and struggles to regulate.
Looking at private the cheapest I found is £1750. The most local is £3450! I don’t understand how the prices vary so much.