13 year old son getting too ‘close’ with girlfriend

[Siandlae]

My 13 year old son is the funniest, loveliest boy ever. He has in the last 2 weeks got a girlfriend (they hung out as friends for weeks first) who is also lovely but seems a lot more forward than my son. (Previous boyfriends etc) They are in the same class at school although she is still 12. He proudly told us the other day that they had their first kiss and now jokes about them “snogging” all the time. My 10 year old daughter told me that they were kissing in front of her today ( which I’m not happy about as I don’t want her to think that this is the norm) and earlier I walked in to the room they sit in (downstairs room with sofa and TV) and they were laid on the sofa kissing with the lights off.

While I love that he feels he can talk to us about this and is comfortable at home, I worry that this is moving far too fast.

I want to talk to him about it but don’t want him to not want to talk to us and also worry that he will stop wanting to be at home and will just go to her house where it seems they are allowed in her bedroom alone. (His lockscreen photo is of them laid on her bed)

As they have only been together for 2 weeks, we haven’t met her parents yet but they seem more liberal than us (we are quite laid back by the way) and they are often at her house alone as they are at work. At our house, there is generally either me or his dad at home as we have flexible hours and have our daughter too.

I’m obviously worried about things progressing further at this young age but also don’t want to put ideas in his head. How do we handle this??

As a parent it’s your job to “crush their budding romance.”

Children don’t need to be in quasi-sexual relationships.

I had my first kiss with a boy at 10 (Jason, I have never forgotten you). You need to put the brakes on this very very quickly.

No. It's not difficult to ban a child from doing something which you believe to be harmful.

Exactly this. This definitely needs parental involvement.

What am I reading??

Set some boundaries!!

You know things used to be different. In some senses, I would say my generation (90s teens) were definitely more sexually active than our children's generation, but our relationships mostly existed away from our homes. I had boyfriends at 12. I kissed by boyfriends at 12. But I didn't bring a boy home and introduce him as my boyfriend at 12 because it would not have been appropriate. Or at least it felt that way.

While I do think it is best that the relationships aren't secret (I mean, bad things happened and we were reliant on supporting our peers through these messes, we often did that badly), I do think this idea where a 12 year old can bring home their boyfriend/girlfriend makes them think that they are actually "partners". They might not be sexually intimate, but it legitimises them as a couple. I mean Ive found it weird being out for a family dinner and sitting at a table with my 14 year old nephew and his 13 year old girlfriend along with my husband, SIL, BIL, MIL and FIL. All of us sat in couples.

It's not harmful for children to hear the word "no".

It's interesting, isn't it. It's as if some parents are fearful of saying "no", of setting boundaries, even of basic supervision.

Far too young for this IMHO.

What stage of puberty is he at?

You are treading a fine line between pushing him away and causing him to lie and setting some sensible boundaries.

I have early teen grandsons who have "girlfriends" but they really are just friends and enjoy each other's company. It really feels as though this relationship is inappropriately sexualised if they feel it is OK to do these things in front of family.

The girl sounds as though she comes from a family with no boundaries and that makes it hard for you.

I do think you need to set your rules, even though this will not go down well.

I( think your OH has an important part to play in dealing with this.

They seem to have skipped the stage of going out on dates - this is the prime age for bubble tea, mooching in town, ice-skating and yes, going to the cinema and having a bit of a snog in the dark (but in public, sitting on chairs).

I'd ring the girl's mother and ask her if her daughter has some form of contraception as things seem to be moving fast. She might put some boundaries in place her end if she thinks there's a chance her life will be changed with a grandchild at this point.

Discuss boundaries and what is / is not appropriate. Kissing in front of family - not appropriate. Lying in dark on sofa kissing not appropriate.

Discuss contraception and consent and how under 16s cannot legally consent.

BUT keep the conversation open - it’s great he feels he can tell you things / ask for advice etc.

I realise I’m not the norm here but I don’t think having a girlfriend / boyfriend in year 8 is abnormal. I had a boyfriend at that time. We were definitely snogging a lot! And my friends were all the same. He was allowed to my house but not upstairs and in a room that family members would be in and out of.

The slut shaming of a 12 year old girl on here is disgusting

I definitely don't think it is abnormal to have a boyfriend. But I do think we legitimise the relationships too much (as a generation of parents) in an attempt to have an open channel of communication (and supervision). They aren't getting too physically intimate (like we were), but they have more emotional intimacy and social acknowledgement as a unit, for want of a better word.

This may be an unpopular opinion but I didn't allow dating until age 16 for this reason.

My now 17 year old has a boyfriend and she said to me she preferred the blanket rule of no dating as it made the whole friendship/relationship thing clear.

I would certainly not allow them snogging in front of others. As PP have said they wouldn't be allowed in the house alone and certainly not in bedrooms etc.

Have you had the sex talk with your son? I'd also talk to the girls parents, imo 12 years old is far too young for a boyfriend.

Thank you for being a responsible parent.

Well, you and me both will be unpopular, because me and DH didn't allow our children to "date" or have intimate relationships until 16 either. We've managed to turn out well balanced, happy, successful adults in their 30s. We still all get on.

Lots of people saying they’re too young but I don’t think anyone has said this: A CHILD UNDER 13 CANNOT LEGALLY CONSENT TO ANY FORM OF SEXUAL ACTIVITY. The law has to set a bar somewhere to say below that age you’re a child, even if you say yes that’s not legal consent, and that bar is at 13. Even kissing her might mean he’s committed a crime let alone touching etc and worse. He needs to know this. She is 12. No he probably wouldn’t be prosecuted but it shows how wrong it is.

In your place I wouldn’t be forcing them to break up (how) but I would be saying no girlfriends round to the house until he is 14 (or whenever) and no going to her house.

This. I find it strange when people post photos on social media of their children with their 'partners' when said children are 12, 13, 14 years old. A mum from school is constantly posting about her son's (14) girlfriend (13, school year below her son), making comments about 'in laws' and so on. This girlfriend gets invited to family meals and holidays, and stays over at their house. I'm all for making my children's friends feel welcome at my house but pretending that they are in a serious relationship when they are so young is weird in my opinion.

Oh my god! My DC are adults and I'm not on sm so I've not come across this. Creepy.

That is absolutely wild.

I feel like the people who say their baby has a girlfriend at nursery are really taking it to the next level here.

People had boyfriends in year 8 when I was at school, for sure. They hung about and snogged (possibly more for some) in parks or at underage disco type places. They weren’t sitting round each other’s houses much while the parents looked helpless. I guess in SOME ways this is more wholesome? I get the perspective of keeping an eye under your roof but equally 13 and 12 is waaaay too young to have the possibilities you have at home.

Just let them be kids for god's sake! Plenty of time for all that later on.

You know mentioned this to a work colleague (younger than me, older than my kids) and she said it is because there is a "trend" where you are supposed to post pictures of you and your partner from childhood sweethearts until marriage/kids/whatever. She said the slogan is "same boy/man, different dress" and parents do it for their kids as well as people doing it for themselves.

So a mother of the bride might post such pics to commerate her daughter's engagement, for instance.