How much freedom does your 13yo have?

[norestforthewickedwitch]

DS13 (year 8) tells me all his friends are allowed into our nearby city on their own.
Everyone he knows has no WiFi or screen time restrictions etc etc

I only have one child so no precedents set.

What is your 13yo allowed to do?

My 13 year old takes herself on the bus into town ( which is actually a city) she also hacks out our horse on her own. .. I think you need to ease up a bit.

Mine had a basic phone and internet restriction but was allowed into our big ish city with friends and to travel on public transport there and to walk around local town/park etc at 13.
my older kids travelled to London independently at 6th form age.

@SpaceRaidersto not be allowed to go into a city until aged 16 is crazy.

Mine started to go to the local town on their own in year 7 or towards the end of year 6.

DS was allowed into the city in the day - never in the dark. Usually I'd set a time limit, say 3 hours and get an idea of where they were going. We are lucky that there are some specialist cafes that cater for kids in our (small) city so they have somewhere to go and chat rather than hanging out on the street.

Agree with the first poster who said limit screens over real life meet ups. It's the ones at home with no social interactions that get into their heads and have a tough time.

DD is Y8, 12 and I've got no intention of removing the screen time limits - she has 2 hours a day and it turns off at 8pm.

She can walk into town with her friends, the only rule is she is not allowed to walk through the park on her own, so if she is alone she has to go along the road.

I intended to teach her how to read a bus timetable this summer but never got round to it. At some point I will so she can go a bit further afield. At the moment she needs to be driven anywhere more exciting than our suburban town centre!

Local large town - no problem. Our public transport is basically non-existent but I will run the kids into town - I open the offer to friends if she can get a group together as anything is better than pickling in front of a screen.

She has a phone (which I regret but was necessary a couple of years ago for reasons relating to my work - lived overseas and buses relied on QR codes) but I have blocked YouTube, have Google Family Link so it shuts down at 5pm on weekdays unless she asks for extra time to check it or do her Duolingo. It also has a hard 4 hour screen time stop. We do have WhatsApp but I check it regularly. She is not allowed to delete conversations or have disappearing messages or it will be removed. She is not allowed Tiktok, Instagram or Snapchat for as long as I am paying for the phone and the line rental.

We live in a big city and my 13 year-old DD goes in with her friends all the time. I’m fine with her going on buses and trains, and she’ll go to other cities (that she’s familiar with) with her sister or a friend. I will always pick her up if it’s dark, but otherwise she’s pretty independent. It can be a minefield though!

Our Y8 13yo DD just spent a week commuting by herself into a suburb of london (bus then tube) for an activity. It was a first but after the first day when I travelled with her she wanted to go alone. She had to learn how to navigate delays and zip card not working etc and it was a good experience for her. She still has phone restrictions (time restriction and off at 8.30pm) - although we had to allow tiktok and snap last year due to activities she does sending their comms via those channels 🤯. Rule is we have access any time to check messages (and I do), no disappearing messages and devices must be in the study overnight.

I agree with others that online is the danger and learning to navigate the real world (during daytime!) Is good. Also we/ she keeps very busy so limited time to get up to mischief online!

That book has been thoroughly debunked

The thing is that you can’t entirely separate the ‘internet’ from the ‘real world’. So that doesn’t surprise me at all.

TikTok is really good for exam revision fwiw. Everything has positives and negatives in the end.

DC1 started going to the nearby town with a friend in Yr7. The learned so much. The benefits of actually looking at the bus timetable rather than just turning up (buses every 30mins); the benefits of not spending all of your money in Krispy Kreme and only then remembering you’d bought a single and not a return ticket; having to speak to a member of staff in the cinema when the ticket machine broke; having to actually engage with “strangers” when the bus didn’t appear; not being so engrossed chatting that you forgot to get off the bus; perhaps taking a coat so that, when you did miss your stop and have to walk back in the rain, you didn’t get soaked. Go for it! Even on the days when there has been a problem, they were always quite proud of themselves for having dealt with the situation and full of laughter about all of the things which had happened.

We live at the edge of the city, so she can go in with a trustworthy friend as long as she has her phone.

She has screen time and content restrictions on the phone (age appropriate). And it’s technically my phone so if she screws up it comes back to me.

I keep an eye on what’s happening in her life, and sometimes we have discussions about safety etc. But we push her to be out and about/walk herself to things etc.

We live close to a city centre, and both DS’s last primary and his secondary are city centre schools, so he’s gone down town with friends after school for years now, and got himself on foot or bus to sports and after school activities. I keep an eye on his phone use and check his phone periodically. His PC is currently used for mammoth sessions on remarkably juvenile games with his friends.

This is untrue. Some of his arguments about social media being the principal cause of deteriorating adolescent mental health have been criticised by people who point to other causes (COVID etc). Thats how social science works - through argument and criticism.

The main criticisms of his recommendations for parents have been that they are too obvious and all the relevant professional bodies have been saying the same thing for years. Which might be true, but is the opposite of invalidating them.

somewhere like where you live, yes i’d allow by 13. I was going into our local city from year 7. No screen-time limits for my DC, but both very sensible and academic, may have imposed some if refused to get up in morning etc.

She is allowed into our local town ( walking distance) with friends and into the city with an adult supervising eg her mates plus a mum. She is allowed to the local cinema ( walking distance) and swimming baths ( walking distance). No social m DIA and that won't change anytime soon. She is allowed WhatsApp. She can go for walks out with friends and to their houses including for sleepovers occasionally but only once I have spoken to the parents first. She has screen restrictions ( off at 8) and phones/ computer stays downstairs overnight. Same rules for any friends who stay over.

Both my DDs, as 13 year olds were put on planes by us (with a similar aged friend) and flew to South Africa with a change of plane in Joburg. They then did 1 term exchange in a South African boarding school. Some dc just can do things and others remain over protected. They were met by school staff at the airport near the school. For second DD we used BA unaccompanied minor service. DD1 - useless SAA service and they had to negotiate Joburg airport and change terminals. Going to a city nearby is nothing. We allowed this too but with a friend.

The problem is his argument is too simplistic and populist. A phone is just a piece of technology like a TV or laptop. Issues can be caused by how they are used and what they are used for.

There is a big difference between spending hours watching crap on TikTok and using Duolingo or listening to a podcast.

I would happily let DD go round town with her friend/s, but would probably drop her off and do my own shopping while their.

She's not very adventurous and I encourage her to things with her friends. She likely wouldn't want to get the bus, but I would let her if she asked.

She has no social media and we restrict screen time.

My 13 yr can go out locally with her friends to Starbucks/ bubble tea etc. I allow this during the weekend and after school, probably will be less after school soon as it gets darker earlier. So all this is in daylight. She has a phone with no data but can call me the regular way or text me if needed. Most of her friends are allowed to do this bar a couple who for some reason are not allowed. We live in suburbia so it’s either a walk or short bus ride away.

Just to add, my DS moved to the 14+ college for year 10 & 11 so was catching the bus to the city to go to college every day at 14.

Ds is 14 and is not limited in his travel, he regularly uses the bus and train to go different places with friends. The only rule we have about screen time is that he must hand his devices over on school nights at 11pm.