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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Girls and their friends AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHH

11 replies

blush00 · 21/01/2005 19:53

What should I say to my DD (12)? She is 'best friends' with two girls at school, L and W. DD and L live fairly close by and get on better with each other than with W. Problem is W is and DD comes home in tears having fallen out with her yet again - but they ARE friends! Feel like I am fobbing DD off with 'W will grow out of it/ don't let it worry you/ it's all part of growing up/ all friendships have their rocky patches?? Come on mums - I know I'm hopeless but I really don't know what I'm supposed to say.

OP posts:

winnie · 21/01/2005 22:28

blush00, I think you have to be honest without undermining the friendship but perhaps encourage dd sticking up for herself and talking to her friend about whats going on. The endless falling out I seem to have heard about in the four years dd has been at secondary school and the best thing is to talk to her about it but not actually act (unless there is bullying going on). As her mother you cannot win. Can I recommend a book called Queen Bees and Wannabees which is a must for all parents of teenage girls. It is very much about this issue. Best wishes

JanH · 21/01/2005 22:48

Oh, god, groups of 3 girls, aaaaargh!

DD2 went through this a lot, with K & S at primary school and then K & - good grief, I've forgotten the child's name! - ??? at secondary school. DD2 was often (but not always) the one who was elbowed out, and at 19 she now has a better relationship with K than with either of the others (although K now has a live-in boyfriend to the exclusion of most other relationships, honestly, these girls!)

You aren't fobbing your DD off, everything you have mentioned is true; maybe you could encourage your DD to invite W round by herself more often, if that would help, but you can't make them feel differently, unfortunately.

HTH.

jampots · 21/01/2005 22:50

my dd was also "one of three" and it just dont work. Seems to with boys though. A few weeks ago a group of girls from dd's class/year group went shopping into town and 2 of the little cows decided they didnt want to go round with one of the girls so whilst she was in the loo they ran off and most of the others followed - only my dd and another girl stayed with her. Was v cross

Original poster

blush00 · 21/01/2005 23:02

What a lovely bunch of mums you all are - and so much more sensible than me. Thank You. Gotta go look for Queen Bees etc on Amazon - sounds like the next few years could be a bit turblent!

OP posts:

Stepprincess · 12/03/2006 23:00

Hi,

I have just been sitting upstairs whilst my step daughter has spent at least an hour on the phone with another girl (A) talking about a 3rd girl(S). I dont want her to think I have been evesdropping, however I heard her mention that S is always crying and I worry that there is bullying or nastiness going on. My sd has only recently discovered the telephone and is spending lots of time talking with A about all the other girls. she is also on msn a lot with A discussing S.

Any suggestions as to whether I should let this run its course (I know its a mean phase girls go through) or should I intervene in some way?

fairyjay · 13/03/2006 11:12

Girls do go thru' mean phases - my dd learned how to cope with this in Yr. 6 when she was on the receiving end.

However, when there was some nastiness between dd and one of her friends, friend's mum decided to go into school, and complain about dd making her daughter upset.

The school clearly felt that it was a storm in a teacup, and didn't bother to mention it to me, until dd spoke to me, and I contacted them.

I said that I felt the girls needed to sort it out, and unless it moved on to bullying, I would keep out of it. School endorsed this approach.

The problem was that friends' mum really thought (thinks?!!) her dd is perfect, and could simply never be nasty. Not true - they all can.

But, given time, they work it out between them, and I really think that mums getting involved can make the situation more more fragile.

desperateSCOUSEwife · 13/03/2006 11:16

grab the three of them together
and bang their heads together
not physically but explain how friendships work to all of them at same time

how you can be friends with such and such but still be friends with such and such

brimfull · 13/03/2006 11:52

my dd is 14 and it's better now than it was at 12.

I agree ,mum's are better out of it,but I kept telling dd to act towards others as you would want them to act towards you.

She was on the receiving end of bitchiness and has learnt a valuable lesson.

Girls are a nightmare though aren't they.

Stepprincess · 13/03/2006 20:26

I decided to stay out of it for now as her school is an all girls school and they are all very into "Care for each other" its one of thier mission statements and all the girls get lectured on it to a degree! actually to the point where my dsd didnt like to say anything when she was upset by a girl for fear of getting other girls in trouble and therefore not caring for them!!!

her dad is convinced the girls are all crazy! I clearly remember all the nastiness as a girl at school. Its a very bizarre time. If there are any more mean phone calls I think I'll initiate a topic related conversation as opposed to a direct questioning approach. But more than likely its all blown over by today!

mumeeee · 15/03/2006 12:32

I have 3 girls and they have often had this problem throughout their school years. The youngest is 14 and she finds it difficult to make friends but seems to be geting on with others at school at last and she has friends in drama clubs and guiddes who are completly seperate from school friends.My 16 year old has fallen out with various friends in the last couple of years but seems to have sorted this now and has 2 best friends and a handful of other close friends. My oldest daughter is noew 18 and at uni when she was at school her friends seemed to be always falling out with each other and she was the one caught in the middle. I never knew what to say but have since learnt just to be there and listen to them with a sympathetic ear. They don't always won't advice but just to know you are there for them. the 18 year old now gets on with everyone and is good at sorting out their problems. So don't wory but just be there when she neds you.

Stepprincess · 17/03/2006 04:02

Ok, so I have managed tostay out of it all so far, and even subtly dropped it into the conversation about how difficult it is to stay friends with everyone and the whole 3's a crowd blah blah, and she said everything is great at school. The long conversations with A continue...
So, today I went downstiars and DSD shot acoss the room and not so subtly hid a bunch of lettters in her drawer...okay bad I know but after that I had to see what it was about and read one of the notes, it was from DSD and A adressed to the third girl, nothing too mean but saying they arent happy with the friendship etc I would like to stay out of it still, however not too happy about letters by 2 girls to one (which in my opinion is ganging up) and even less impressed that she set her alarm early today to use my computer to write it on!!

Any sugestions!!??

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