17 year old house gathering.

[Isitmeffs]

My daughter wants to have 14 friends round on a Thursday night during half term. My husband is not ok about it and it’s causing all sorts of rows. He’s up early for work Fri and thinks the number is too high. Although she says it’s not a party just a gathering and they would leave around 11 with a couple staying over, it will still be loud!! She told us to go out for the evening but husband’s going to be tired and not in the mood to sit in a pub all night. I probably would give in to her to keep the peace but it’s all become exhausting. She won’t consider cutting the number down and can’t do the Fri as she’s going to a Halloween party. I have already said we would throw her a party for her 18th at a venue. 14 girls in the house we feel is a lot. i don’t know if we are being unreasonable. Any advice pls or if you have been through something similar. Thank you.

I had 9 boys here for ds 15th last month, it was loud! There's no way I would have done it on a week night and won't be doing it again for a while. They behaved themselves but any large group is going to cause mess and noise.

What about the neighbours, are you detached?

Just say no, it’s not fair if DH has to get up early because it will definitely be loud!
Maybe compromise by agreeing to do it a different night instead when it’s more convenient?

I’m Team Husband.

It depends op! I’d be inclined to say no if you don’t know them, and they are not an established group who are in the habit of gathering at other people’s houses and leaving early. I’d need far more information!

Do you know your DD’s friends? Does she know them well? Or is throwing a “gathering” a bid for popularity? (Definitely say no in that case as your dd won’t be able to enforce appropriate boundaries.) What happened the last time they all gathered together? Or is this the first time? (Say no if it’s the first!)

If it’s a collection of randoms who just want to drink then absolutely say no! My sister is still finding bright pink smears of a vile cocktail that her dd concocted for her 16th about a fortnight on! The vomit situation was out of control!

Your dh working is a good excuse to say no tbh!

I would maybe say yes to two or three but fourteen is a lot! Especially if they each invite someone else! Or words gets around that someone is having a party!

If your dd is going out to a Halloween party the following night, I don’t think it’s necessary for her to host tbh! It’s hard being a killjoy though!

No parties on a school night!

You'll just have to ride the wave of her sulking. I bet the other 13 parents in the group have said, 'No way.' So why are you the mugs?

She may be on holiday but sorry, I am not cool parent on a work night.

Am lol-ing at her suggesting you go to the pub though. Nice try. Imagining you sitting forlornly in the Dog and Duck nursing a pint while your 17 year old dictates terms at home. You'll be thinking 'um, wtf just happened here?!'

Hah. She doesn’t get to dictate. Here, rules have always been no more than 10, garden only (we do also have a summer house), everyone gone by 11, weekends only, and we’re always in the house. I remember many years back our neighbours made the mistake of disappearing off to the pub and leaving 20 sixteen year olds alone 😬

When your DD has her own home and paying the bills she gets to dictate. At the moment she is living in a home you and DH pay for - you are the adults so you get to set the terms. For me the answer would be a hard no - I suspect the other parents have already said no. It’s a work night and completely unfair / unreasonable on you and your DH to be expected to go out of your own home for the evening. So she sulks - ignore it , she will get over and will learn an important life lesson about reasonableness and consideration for others i.e. the universe isn’t all about her.

You don't need to indulge her with rows, just say no. She is free to go to any of the thirteen peoples houses.

Would you really go and sit in the pub so she can have a weeknight “gathering”?!?
Just say no! Nobody has ever died from sulking and I guarantee you and your husband will end up babysitting a bunch of pissed teenagers.

Sat in pub whilst 14 teen girls take over the house..hmmm.. how long before teen boys would be joining in
Just a flat NO and no discussion.

No way- I would only consider it for a birthday. I’d never agree to that many kids overnight in my house on a random Thursday!

She already has a party to go to on the Friday night so it’s not like she doesn’t have a social life. Absolutely no to a “gathering” for that many people on a Thursday night, I agree that everyone else has probably been told no and she thinks she can wear you down until you say yes.

I think it really depends on the people coming.
If they're a relatively close group of friends that would respect your house rules and a curfew time then I would be inclined to agree to it.
I think 17 is a crappy age when they're desperate to be adults but just not quite there yet.They're not that far off being able to go out to the pub. I'd rather know where my DD was and home is the safest place.
If it is a group you trust then maybe a compromise of you and DH going out for a while but say you'll be home around 10 and expect everyone to leave by 11pm? And no overnight guests when someone has to be up for work in the morning.

the idea of having 14 17 year old girls round sounds horrendous, but I don’t think 11 is very late if the majority of them leave on time. But I definitely wouldn’t go out and leave them in the house alone .

No, if one of the adults has work early the next day and needs sleep, that just isn't reasonable. She's asked. You've said no. That's that.

Your husband has to work... that's where the conversation ends surely? If she wants people over then it has to be on a day when no one has to get up early the next day.

Absolute joke you are letting her dictate this. You and your husband said no, that’s the end. She wants to sulk, fine she can miss the party on Friday and stay home sulking.

It wouldn't really bother me and we would just sit upstairs for the evening as it's a one-off in half term. How early is DH up for work? 4am is one thing but 7am is not a big deal for a, what, 1am ish bedtime once you've helped DD clean up?

I was always allowed 2 or 3 parties a year - maybe 20 or so people - as a teenager. Meant my parents knew my mates really well and was a safe way to spend time together when we were too young to go clubbing.

Had similar number and age this year 6-10.15pm
brand new house. Said only in kitchen, hall and encourage garden. 1 vomitted in kitchen sink, 1 in toilet sink, 1 down toilet and 1 on kitchen floor. Nice. By kitchen floor number I was cooler… (but thinking never again) and got on with the mopping up and stayed in kitchen with them cramping style rest of night. No way would I trust and leave my home.
also handprint of mud on brand new white walls and grass all over the floor. Never again.

There definitely needs to be some boundaries set. I have had similar requests and allowed 5 or 6 of my daughter's closest friends to attend, no more. There also needs to be some planning in advance as to what food will be provided and what they intend to drink. There needs to be some limits agreed with respect to alcohol, eg no spirits. Whilst I gave them the run of our living room, I always remained somewhere in the house, just in case. Note that if they ask for 11pm, they will try to push it to midnight on the night, so stepping-in the end the party is often required.