Autistic 14yo communication and visit struggles

[Ribenaqueen7]

Wondering if anyone’s got experience of autistic girls and blended families. For as long as we can remember we’ve struggled with our stepdaughter and communication, she visited ours 2 weekends a month as a small child, but from the age of about 5+ things got harder. We’d make loads of effort during the time we had, but no matter what we did she’d go back to her mum and cry and scream, slamming doors, telling her she’d had the worst time with us and didn’t want to come to see us any more. We’d be completely bemused hearing this afterwards, with no idea what had gone wrong or any indication during the visit that anything was the matter.

Fast forward 8 years and she’s now nearly 15, we’ve barely seen her for 2 years. Initially she was constantly cancelling us, it started with excuses , then progressed to wanting to see friends. We figured it was fine and just a teenage thing, so we didn’t pressure her. Whenever we have asked to see her and tried to remind her she’s got a 5 year old sister who wants to see her, and an elderly grandad to visit, she gets nasty with us.
the only time we’ve had with her in the last 12 months is when we’ve booked expensive holidays and she has wanted to come. We took her to France with us for a week in July and made loads of effort, gave her plenty of space, her dad took her out for an evening in Paris, we went on day trips just for her. Since getting back we’ve been completely ditched again for 3 months, and when I’ve tried to say ‘come on, you can spare us an hour just to come have lunch with us?’ She’s been nasty again. We received a rant via WhatsApp saying she had an awful time on our holiday, we made her uncomfortable, we don’t know her, we don’t care about her… the list goes on. Totally out of the blue again, no indication whatsoever that there was a problem on holiday! It’s just the same thing on repeat.

we are exhausted and feel like for a decade we haven’t been able to do anything right, we seem to have a nice time together and as soon as she goes back to her mum she goes mad and says it’s all awful. I’m writing for advice because I am tired and I feel like giving up. We don’t mind the distance and the need for independence, but equally we don’t think 3-4 lunch dates a year is too much to ask ?! She also refuses to FaceTime her younger sister, who’s only a little girl and doesn’t understand why she’s been completely ghosted.

at a loss. Feeling really sad.

I think her father needs to go back to basics and make it clear HE wants to get to know her, spend time with her as her. Don’t try to guilt her about siblings and grandparents but focus on her for a bit.

There has obviously been a lot of damage to the relationship for whatever reason so he needs to keep it simple and get to know her.

He’s doing a pretty good job of staying in touch on her terms and going to watch her play sport when he can, but it’s hard when every time you meet up you’re getting messages weeks after to say what an awful time it was… it’s almost getting to the point where we’re concerned about engaging now as we don’t know what the issues are. I suggested to her mum today that maybe she might like to speak to a 3rd party about how she’s feeling for some support. Her dad is going to keep trying, but otherwise we’re at a loss really

For as long as we can remember we’ve struggled with our stepdaughter and communication, she visited ours 2 weekends a month as a small child, but from the age of about 5+ things got harder. We’d make loads of effort during the time we had, but no matter what we did she’d go back to her mum and cry and scream, slamming doors, telling her she’d had the worst time with us and didn’t want to come to see us any more. We’d be completely bemused hearing this afterwards, with no idea what had gone wrong or any indication during the visit that anything was the matter.

That doesn't mean she had a bad time or that anything really was wrong. That's just one of the fairly typical autistic responses to change - cope and enjoy a trip at the time, then decompress and make a huge fuss afterwards when she is safely home. Children with autism can react in different ways - I've seen a child behave beautfully visiting her auntie and then act like a monster to her parents afterwards until she'd recovered! - but it's the same general problem. I hope your DSD's mother didn't take her complaints too seriously.

Whenever we have asked to see her and tried to remind her she’s got a 5 year old sister who wants to see her, and an elderly grandad to visit, she gets nasty with us.

That is a lot of social pressure to put on someone with autism. Social pressure causes anxiety, anxiety causes anger and the urge to push back (which you recognise as nasty) These things need to be introduced gradually and in a way that she doesn't find threatening.

Autism is very much a communication disorder. Communication needs to be on whatever level that she can cope with. That varies a lot by individual but your expectations may be too high for her. And it needs to start with her father.

Words like "ghosting" are not meaningful. They imply an intent that your stepdaughter probably doesn't feel. OK, she doesn't want to talk to her sister by facetime. Maybe she doesn't know what to say or how to behave to a five year old over facetime, maybe she doesn't enjoy facetime communication at all. Maybe she needs some lighter way to stay in touch? How about sending her cute pictures of her sister now and again that she could respond to with just an emoji? A lot of people with ASCs find it much better to communicate with messages or emojis than with live face to face communciation, even online.

I do agree with the other poster: first of all her father needs to focus on getting to know his older daughter and understanding her needs so that they can rebuild their relationship; and so that she can start building a relationship with the rest of her family.

Just seen your most recent message - yes, it does need to be on her terms. To be honest that's just how it is with autism.

Oh and "on her terms" might not have to mean spoiling her with trips and expensive things. It's more about: giving her plenty of notice when you invite her, letting her know in advance who will be there, what you will do and where you will go (a plan for the day); mixing in some aspects of the day that you know she will enjoy (such as a meal out if that's what she likes); not cramming too much into the day that she finds tiring or demanding because even if she's enjoying them she may get overstimulated.

Most kids with ASCs respond well to plans and advanced warning and predictability. But I know some girls with PDA are the opposite so this is the kind of thing your DH needs to find out about!

And try not to worry when she goes off at you afterwards with messages. These things are never perfect.

@Ribenaqueen7

It would appear that your expectations from an austitic child are both unrealistic and somewhat insensitive.

It would benefit you all if both you and your patrner could inform yourselves better.

"Trying to remind her", that she must engage with a five year old and your Dad, could be something that even an NT teenager could struggle with.

And as for "‘come on, you can spare us an hour just to come" is emotional blackmail, is it not?

May be useful to have a re-think, about your approach, if you would like a more beneficial outcome for all concerned.

Not blended families but I have a girl with autism and adhd.

sorry but this is just standard autistic behaviour.

autistic people often struggle to communicate their needs and wants. It’s a communication disorder. She’ll come visit you, find it hard, not really know why she finds it hard and then the autistic response to overwhelm is meltdowns and crying and anxiety.

basically the only way to fix this, because she can’t communicate her needs is to either get advice from her mum about what she can cope with (free clue, start small and for short time periods) and watch the reactions.

so find out what her special interest is - trains, or knitting, or whatever. DO NOT try to take her somewhere big, just maybe meet for coffee and ask some questions about it so she can info dump on you.

if that goes well (and by that I mean that her mum reports afterwards she was ok) then you can start to build up.

most likely with the holidays she has been really wanting to go which has overridden her anxiety but then massive meltdowns and stress and anxiety while away. My DD once ran away et 2am in the middle of Berlin.

an autistic person isn’t going to adapt to your communication style very easily.

The one obvious issue here is that she clearly doesn't like or care about her little sister. So I would drop that argument with her. She's not interested and you can't force her to have a relationship with her sister.
If this is a step little sister, just forget it. They never will be close. The window of bonding has long passed.
It is very likely SD can't stand you. Not a lot you can do about it.
The relationship here must be between SD and her dad. You need to back away and have zero expectations. You are not welcome in their world as far as SD is concerned and the little 5 year old even less so.
Not your fault and the younger girl obviously has done nothing wrong either.
That's blended families sometimes.

Let SD and her dad do whatever they want together. He needs to put the effort in. You need to be completely removed from their relationship and don't get involved in any of their communications.
You should still welcome her into your home if she ever wants to visit. But, as far as she's concerned that's not her home.

Not what you want to hear but that's how it looks like to me.
I don't think any possible ND matters in this scenario. The girl wants to be left alone, she's under a lot of pressure by the sounds of it and she simply explodes because she can't communicate in a mature way yet.

The pressure of school alone is extremely difficult for many autistic girls at that age. You need to step back your expectations hugely and just try to offer her somewhere safe to be with no pressure on her to do anything else. She probably cant cope with more than that.

Don't expect her to interact with anyone whilst at your house even you and your husband. It might be helpful to read some books about autism and how it presents in teenaged girls and especially about masking.

Have her Dad and you learnt much about autism and parenting an autistic child?

This is so true. My son is now in year 11 and the past two days he has hardly left his room because he is so burnt out from this half term. He missed a couple of days school in the last weeks because he just needed the down time.

It sounds like as things are now she feels the needs to mask when she is with you and that’s not good long term. She needs to feel she can be herself and is she needs to escape she can.

It sounds like she has to mask when she’s with you. It is not a safe space where her needs are understood and she can be herself. So she avoids contact or else bottles it up to explode in a safe environment.

Her father and you need to educate yourselves to facilitate a relationship going forward. You might find you are less bemused and have no idea what went wrong or feel exhausted and like giving up if you had better understanding. You might be able to find ways of doing things differently.

SDC are autistic and ADHD and I could have written the this post. It’s not you.

They’re young adults who struggle in the world, I think there’s a tendency to think any issues in a blended family are due to the issues of a broken home etc, but sometimes is just a feature of a personality.

@OnlyMabelInTheBuilding

Just to correct, autism/Audhd is nothing to do with personality, it's a neurodevelopmental disorder.

Although you are correct, in that, that their struggles are real wrt interaction.

advice is openly welcome, criticism isn’t. The diagnosis is a recent thing. We have read books, we know about masking, but sometimes the theory doesn’t always match what’s happening in practice and it’s good to ask advice from people with experience as well. Not all context has been provided in 1 post, we were a fairly close family, even if a blended one, my SD had a nice relationship with her sister from birth to 3 years. This is our first teen experience as well as our first encounter with autism with somebody close to us, so of course we will have things to work on. Some of the comments and tips are genuinely helpful so I’m grateful for those.

Apologies. I didn't mean to sound patronising. I still think it's worth reading more things about autistic girls though as i have found it really hard to get my head around exactly what it going on with my daughter, even though I have lots of autistic friends, female and male, with different sets of needs. The way I have sort of got my head round it is a bit like she is experiencing death by a thousand blows at the moment, in that, so many things in her life are a bit harder that they are for someone else, and individually she could manage them. But with her age (14) and the social and academic pressures at school, neither of which can be reduced, everything which she could normal cope with is now too much, including talking to family, eating at the table, etc.

I think it's interesting you said "our" stepdaughter when she is your stepdaughter and your dh's daughter.

In your shoes I would be letting DH get in with it and not getting involved other than being a friendly, supportive and low demand presence when she is around. My autistic 15 yr old and I have a joke/not really joke that we should not expect anything of her we wouldn't expect of the cat. Eye contact? Threatening. Arriving for meals? Certainly! Making it to a vet appointment/school on time? With careful planning. Social interaction? If she feels like it.

It is hard and it requires a change of outlook - and yes it requires her to be the centre of things which can be really difficult and annoying but not as difficult and annoying as if things go wrong. And as she grows and puberty fades away she is more and more able to cope with things too.

Kindly, just is not your and DH first experience of autism. Your step daughter has been autistic from birth. It’s vert likely that at least in part this nice relationship with your daughter wasn’t always nice for your step daughter and she would often been masking and performing in a socially acceptable way.

DH need to focus on his relationship with his DD. For you I work send a funny video or photo once a week. Just a thought you would find this funny, or I think you like this author and they have a new book out. Messages which have no pressure for her to comment on.

Just echoing previous posters here - please ask your DH to concentrate on his relationship with his daughter. And please don't worry too much right now about her relationship with you, her half-sister or her grandfather. That is a lot for an autistic teen to deal with. My autistic teenager is quite similar - she can get through a day of school or a day out with a friend and seemingly have a good time but will come home and vent to me about how difficult she found it (like your stepdaughter does to her mum). I think your husband needs to work on making his interactions with his daughter enjoyable for her (as others have said - no pressure, something to do with her special interest if she has one) and re-build his relationship with her. Then you can move on to her relationship with the wider family. This is not a criticism of you - autism and blended families are both tricky things to deal with!

My daughter is autistic and I cant even imagine how hard she would find a split home situation.

Have you read about demand avoidance?

It may he that your sd literally cannot cope with the move between home ahd another family setting. Its normal for this to become harder as she gets older and social interaction and demands become complicated

Can you strip away all demands and dad now just sees her in her home on her terms?

Like many autistic kids my daughter cant even cope with going to school let alone holidays or staying with family she isn't used to

I would start again at the beginning and work out how her dad can spend time with her that is safe and completely low demand for her

I would imagine the holidays...however well intentioned..were very difficult and she had to mask heavily.

This isn't about lack of love or effort. Being autistic is so so hard when the normal demands of life involve changing routines or safe spaces and people

My autistic daughter was a bit similar when younger. She’d seemingly have a good time while with her dad and step mum, they didn’t see any problems but once she came home to me she had huge meltdowns. Used to tell me she had a terrible time several days later etc. At the time we didn’t know she was autistic.
Now she’s much older and with hindsight we can see that she was masking while with her dad. She didn’t feel like he knew her or understood her well enough despite his best efforts, and as a result she wasn’t relaxed. Time with her dad was emotionally exhausting for her although none of us realised at the time what was happening and she couldn’t explain it herself.
Its a very difficult situation, I think the change to/fro with blended families is incredibly tough for autistic kids however much parents try to be nice and fun - ultimately everything is just different and that’s hard.

Just to add - and this is said as constructively not critical because it's a massive learning journey with autistic children, especially when you may see them as 'high functioning'.

Things my daughter can't do or finds incredibly difficult

• having friends over (an absolute no now - and hasn't since she was about 7 - but before she was 7 it was completley fine - just to illustrate that becaue a younger child is okay with something it can get much harder)

• sleeping at anyones house without me - she is 12 and has never done this and I struggle to imagine it happening - this includes close friends and family (and yes, despite being autistic she has good friends although making new friends is very difficult for her)
• going to school - has below 50 per cent attendance, is being supported in many many ways, huge ongoing battle, has an EHCP still can't go etc etc -
• holidays unless very specific ie. with close family, has her own room (as needs to retreat and be alone for hours each day)
• can look forward hugely to a holiday then spend entire time hiding indoors talking to herself/ playing with toys/ listening to audio books unable to join in
• video calls with family - would absolutely HATE to be 'expected' (ie. demanded or asked) to have regular video calls with someone she isn't close to - all her friends video call frequently and this stresses her out as she would never be able to join in.