Things going missing all the time at home

[kkgirl]

Can anyone please help us, we feel like we are going mad.
There are always things going missing at home, ie money etc.
Tonight DH has come home from work and some beer has gone missing from the fridge. We know how much was there last night. We have asked all three kids and all have denied as usual. Pretty sure it is DS1 (14) he is denying it and its getting to the point where I am wondering if I have dementia as I am always forgetting stuff, and wondering if 1) we have a poltergeist or 2) I've lost the plot.

Its so difficult to resolve without blaming or accusing him directly. He has other issues, like school so don't want him to feel persecuted.

Personally I would come down hard on whichever child is doing this. Far better to deal with it now within the family than a few years down the line when the culprit is caught stealing elsewhere - I know they might not do that but ime people who are not good at respecting the property of other family members often do go on to shoplift, etc

The problem is though Grapefruitmoon is getting a confession. We have had stuff appearing in the house too, and despite threatening to ring the police etc, stop pocket money, grounding it took months to get a confession. Should we punish who we think it is, or all three?

Can you set a trap? For example, leave money lying around when the other two are not there?

Maybe tell them that no one will be topping up their phone / playing computer games / going out (delete as applicable) until you get to the bottom of this.

The innocent parties may put pressure on the culprit to own up.

Did DS1 go anywhere that he could have taken the beer, or is it likely to be in his room?

How about if you sort this one out the other issues may well fall into place. Ok so you punish the three of them and the other two will deliver the real culprit, easy. You don't want him to feel persecuted but perhaps he needs to feel persecuted? Or at least to learn some boundaries?

maybe do that thing where you say 'we dont know who it is, so with regret we are going to have to withdraw privileges from all 3 until we find out' . that way, the other 2 have an incentive and excuse to tell you if they know, and theyll also put pressure on the guilty to confess.

theyll all bleat its unfair, but if you say it calmly and regretfully...'i dont want to have to do this but it is my job to be the parent and i cant just let this go. if you have any ohter ideas, let me know' sort of thing theres not much they can say.

I had the same prob, it is horrible and you do feel like you're going insane. My DD was taking money out of my purse, my other DDs room, and out of my bank account but would always vehemently deny it.

They rarely admit to it. I think they deny it to themselves that it's happening.

The only thing you can do is not leave things around that they can take. They won't resist temptation if it's there. No loose change, purses, wallets, cash cards. Food and drink is more difficult to regulate but, again, if it's there they will take it. It's not done maliciously in most cases but more a self-obsessed, blinkered, I-want-it-so-I'll-take-it teenage thing.

It is horrible to feel as if you're going mad. I've been through it with DD (16). She's stopped taking money (I'm pretty sure anyway)but only after endless rows and the final straw was that I broke down in tears which shocked her (she said the shouting was just noise and easy to tune out) but she still pilfers annoying things like my make-up and stuff. I wish I knew how to handle it better myself.

I know it sounds mad when you suspect them of taking money but does he get pocket money? Maybe he wants the money for stuff he can't ask you for (I won't speculate what that might be though!)

It's so difficult to find out what's going on with them and hard to question them in a way that won't make them clam up or get defensive.

(Just caught up with thread replies - FWIW it might be an idea to have a word with the police and see if they will have a chat with DC. I know it sounds heavy handed but it could bring home the seriousness of what's going on or where it might lead. Nip it in the bud is best if you can)

Thanks for all the advice.
We have talked to them all and warned them that unless the culprit owns up tonight, there is going to be big punishments, and the culprit will get a punishment anyway even if he owns up tonight.
I think we are going to get some counselling for him, he is troubled

My son, 13 was accused of stealing some stuff at school and would not admit to it even though he'd been caught in the act. I ransacked his room which he likes 'just so' turning out every drawer/box/nook/cranny until I found what I was looking for. When he got home from school that day the place looked like a bomb had hit it, I left everything where it landed in my frenzy.He went to pieces and told me everything.
That was 7 months ago.
Now he is one of my best friends, and a lovely individual. Long may it continue. What I'm saying here is: Go to the extreme....kids need to know that you will do ANYTHING to sort out the problems.

It's so stressful living with teenagers you can't trust kkgirl. I was constantly strung out to my limits with my DD1. And she would say things like 'Calm down mum' and 'I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be like this' - had me drinking heavily and taking Kalms and StJW for years

But in the end it becomes ridiculous, you end up apologising for getting tough with them when they are stealing, and worried about finding evidence and being fair when really you know damn well what it happening. You can see which of your children suddenly affords things they shouldn't be able to and is generally acting sneakily.

Just to satisfy myself that I had the right culprit I would snoop in their room for evidence or lay a trap of some kind.

Anorak, I know what you mean. I also did the room snooping. Unfortunately, the trust between us was virtually destroyed and I wish I'd done things differently. It took another unpleasant incident to, ironically, bring us closer together again. I still don't like to have my purse out of my sight though. She's not a bad girl but she's certainly tried my parenting skills to say the least.

It's also hard as I don't have anyone to share discipline with so I feel like I have to be harsh with her and also be understanding and supportive at the same time. It's very frustrating and I've said some horrid things in the heat of the moment. I didn't handle it well at all.

I read somewhere (after threatening to chuck her out) that they do these things to test you and see if you abandon them. I've since tried to make sure she doesn't feel left out and spend more time with her. I didn't want to be in the same room with her when she was stealing so it was a bit of a vicious circle for a while (she'd take money, deny it, i'd go ballistic, not want to speak to her, she'd feel left out, which led to taking stuff etc)

DS1 has finally admitted it to DH. They have had a long calm talk which has probably done them both good, and DS will get punished, but I am thinking of trying a counselling service/drop in centre, he seems so troubled and having a hard time as a teenager.
Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it.

That's good KKgirl (that he's admitted it I mean).

I admire the way you and DH have dealt with this, kkgirl.

I must admit it is very hard, you feel like you could shake him, but then I think, it must be so hard to be a teenager in these times, so much pressure on them from school, mates etc.

I always feel lucky to have this site for all issues and problems that crop up, always someone who has been there, or can offer sympathy, support or a shoulder to lean on.

Thx
K