Battling with teen daughter

[Changeusername19382]

We have teenage daughter 14 years old.
Her attitude stinks, she seems to gravitate to the worst possible friend choices. We moved her school to move her away from some really vicious drama which she instigates as much as she was victim to. Anyway new school and she’s making just as shit friends choices even though we’ve explained time and time again the importance of making better judgements with friends.

Anyway in her teenage years her attitude, manners and behaviour have been particularly bad. She’ll play adults off against eachother and often gravitate to whichever adult she believe she’ll get her own way with, for example when there’s a disagreement in the house or rules to follow she doesn’t like she will run to her grandparents to escape doing whatever she wants to do.

I take the firm approach whereas my DP tries a nice chilled one however her manner and respect are dyer. I was a pretty well raised well mannered child growing up and would never ever dream of acting how she does. She’s entitled and pretty unkind most of the time. When DP tries to correct her over behaviour she can be pretty vile, condescending, sniggering in his face for the things he’s saying, turning around on us, she has absolutely no respect for us. she never has anything nice to say about anyone it’s so sad to see. It’s like being in the next season of mean girls. She tells us to piss off or calls us whatever she pleases and masks it as a “joke”.
Can anyone else relate? I don’t think this is normal teenage behaviour but is it with teenagers these days?!

Sorry that you haven’t had any replies. I would report your own thread and ask for ot to be moved to the Teenagers section where you’re likely to get more replies.

The first thing I’d do at the minute is order a copy of Untangled by Dr Lisa Damour to help you understand what is going on

Thank you! I didn’t even realise there was a teenager one I will move it over

Sit down with your DP and discuss what approach to take when dealing with her behaviour. You both need to be on the same page. I would also get grandparents in the loop.

Stay consistent and firm.

If she is telling you to piss off what do you do or say? Does she speak to teachers like this?

Is there punishment for her behaviour?

I would start restricting her phone access/ meeting friends etc every time she starts back answering or behaving badly.

I imagine school punish if she is causing problems there.

She needs to learn there is no positive outcome in behaving like this. Would counselling be an option to try unpick the reasons for her behaviour. There could be something else going on that she needs to sort out in her head.

No problem, I just thought you’re more likely to get some replies in there

And sorry I forgot to ask, is she NT or ND?

Thank you! What does NT or ND mean sorry?

i don’t think this is just what teenagers are like- she seems like she’s being especially difficult.

what consequences are in place at the moment for when she misbehaves? What happens when you and DH have different approaches?

For me, and I've been through five teens, I'd say building your relationship with her is key to solving all the difficulties. She's not going to listen to you when there appears to be a lot of bad feeling between you. You need to build the connection so that she feels that you are somebody on her side rather than somebody in opposition.
Learn not to hear the swearing or see the smirking or pull her up on it. If you bite at even the small stuff she isn't going to listen when it's the big stuff.
Don't tell her her choice of friends is poor, get her to invite her friends over you will see what the dynamics are really like they may prove you wrong. But also IME there is nothing works so quickly to see off unsuitable friendships as them being friends your parents welcome into their home as they lose the attraction pretty quickly and if they really are dubious characters they won't want to be friends with your dd when there is a close family around to keep a watchful eye.
I rarely issued consequences but they did have to sit and discuss when they messed up and we'd work on what would have been better choices. Mine hated it far more than had I grounded them or took their phone and hopefully some of what we spoke about sunk in as well.

NT is neurotypical and ND is Neurodiverse. I’m guessing that as you’re not aware of the abbreviations that you’ve never had any niggly feelings that she may be ND?

We’ve ended up parenting pretty much like Hire. So I looked for ways to positively interact with her avd do things she liked.

What was her childhood like? Did you have a stay at home parent? I only ask as my sister is a primary school teacher and always says the daycare kids are more aggressive

I’m a primary school teacher and have not seen this pattern at all.

What?!! That is absolutely not the case

Struggling with this too at the moment.
16 year old and she will not wake or attend school without a 2+ argument every single day.
When grounded she just waits for us to go to work or to the shop and leaves to do as she pleases anyway.
Changing the WiFi password has no effect.
Changing her phone data also has no affect she just goes to friends houses to sit and scroll there instead.
At the end of my wick and thoroughly exhausted.
She has told me to f off.
She doesn't help at all around the house, won't go to school without new eyelashes every single week, (suspected BDD but not entirely sure at this point), she comes home and pretty much goes straight to sleep and then is up all night. She never apologises.
I'm here step parent with her mother and we used to have a great relationship but lately it's just impossible and I am really struggling.