Advice on 14 year old son

[Focusplease]

This is very new territory for me as my teen is the eldest. I'm also a single parent and don't really have anyone to talk to about this.

My son is 14 (year 9). He appears to be in his first relationship. He's gone from wanting to spend loads of time with me and his sister, to spending most of his time in his room and on his phone. He's generally a good lad, no real issues but I've definitely noticed a change which I know is normal and to be expected. But he is now constantly texting and calling and appears uninterested in anything else, looks bored by everything, which makes me feel quite sad.

He hasn't told me about the girl. I make him put his phone on charge outside his bedroom at night. I occasionally check it as he hasn't changed the pass code...yet.

Anyway, he's at the stage where he is wanting more freedom. So I've been letting him go into town after school or see friends in the park. Seems like he has been lying about who he's with recently...eg saying he is hanging out with friends in the park and is actually with girlfriend.

Anyway I've read their messages and some of them are quite sexual and suggesting they're getting up to stuff whilst in the park (hickeys). Should say it's a very large park with a lot of wooded areas. Girlfriend has made a few comments which suggest that things have the potential to go further. (Unsure if I should specify on here).

Do I stop him going out at all?

I don't really want to let him know I've seen the messages because he's obviously not being honest with me and he'll start hiding his messages etc. At the moment it's the only way I've got of finding out what he's up to.

I don't want to be naive, I know teens do stupid things, but I'm conscious they are much too young for all this.

Sorry, I'm not really sure what I'm asking. I can't talk to his dad (ex husband), who is quite abusive, narcissistic, and would likely use anything I tell him against me. I have to grey rock with him. Just not sure how to navigate this new territory. He's changed quite a lot quite quickly. Unsure if I should stop him going out at all, stop them seeing each other...allow him to have her at our house with door open etc so at least they aren't alone in the park. He hasn't actually told me about her as such yet.

Does he have set time limits on his phone?

How about a last minute short break over half term to break the cycle a bit?

With less time spent with gf/ on phone he might start talking to you about it.

I don't think banning him from seeing the girl will work.

I'd work on conversations about respectful relationships, consent etc etc - tho this will be much easier if he'll admit to having a girlfriend!

I'd also work on getting him off his phone for a bit each evening - we started with Clarkson farm once a week! Also 20 mins of a boardgame after dinner can give them chance to chat.

Thankfully the hickies seem to have calmed down between DS and his gf. Took a couple of months tho!

May I ask @Cantseetreesforthewood where are you watching Clarksons Farm? We'd like to start again from the beginning! (Sorry OP)

Thanks for the replies.

A change of scenery over half term would have been ideal but I've only got a couple of days off unfortunately. I know what you mean though, maybe I can try and think of somewhere he'd enjoy for the day where he might get distracted and live in the moment a bit more rather than the constant texting and calling.

And yes, the suggestion about spending some quality time together in the evening is a good shout, we've kind of drifted away from that a bit recently. Up until a few weeks ago he would always come downstairs in the evening and spend time with DD and I. Over the summer he'd love being outside on the trampoline until late. Feel like he's gone from enjoying different activities to a secretive teen within quite a short space of time. I'm obviously most concerned about what they're getting up to.

I think reconnection is key here. It sounds like he wouldn't be too hard to pull back into the fold.

There is a book called Hold onto your Kids - I haven't read it yet but I do own a copy and just thought of it again now. Might be worth a read.

it is our job as parents to successfully ensure the separation of our children from us. Even though it is painful.
he is growing up and starting to explore the sexual side of him. Talk to him about it, let him explore his own boundaries in a safe space. This is going to happen whether we as parents like it or not. I suspect we’ve all been there too.
be the safety net when he comes home.