Please give me your hottest teen tips before I run away screaming.

[Interpink]

Single parent in my 50s, semi retired, 3 sons aged 16,15,15. All doing ok at school, no issues with drugs/alcohol/truanting etc so in that way I’m lucky.

However they are so fucking lazy and entitled. I love them so much I ache and yet any requests/demands at all are met with argument or doing it so badly that I end up rowing with them or doing it myself. I’m knackered.

The final straw today was I had to go out (they’re off school here) and discovered that the dogs had pooed in their room (utility/boot room) because they haven’t been walked properly and instead of cleaning it up they threw it out of the back door so that the dogs ran in it and then ran back through the house. I absolutely lost it and took the router with me to my appointment and they kept calling and sending rude horrible messages.

They seem to leave everything behind them in a trail of mess. Eldest is doing well at college but has poor impulse control so gets issued with small amounts of cash throughout the week or he’d spend it all in one go. I was at the theatre last night and I picked up a message in the interval saying “I’ve only got 4p for the bus.” Grrrr!!!

I told them not to call me today as I was going to a funeral and they ignored that and phoned and left awful messages like “Josh called me a cunt” and then “Jake kicked my door and it’s made a mark” etc over and over. I turned my phone off totally then.

They’re driving me mental. Their father is beyond useless and disinterested so I’m on my own.

Give me your best survival tips please.

I went on strike when my teen DS was like this. It helped a bit. Especially effective if you can leave for a few days, but you may not be ready for that.

Withdrawal of money/internet is also helpful. The key thing, and the hardest, is don't back down, be stronger than them and extremely confident about your decisions and following through.

God it’s so hard. Thanks for replying. They’re absolute dicks to each other but unite against the common enemy (me) and its horrible

I’d have switched my phone off if I was going to a funeral.

Need to steer into it. Regarding the dogs: it is not fair to the dogs to leave them in their care. The rest of it: I would run a meeting and talk about it. Ask them what they think a reasonable division of labour would look like. What did you guys do during covid? We set up a massive rota and although don’t do it anymore has set the precedent. I still do too much for my teens (18, 16 & 16) but they step up when I ask.

Lockdown was great, we all stayed at home and played all summer. It was before their father left too so it was in some ways easier.

I suspect how their dad is and the marital division of labour might not be helping you here? I go away for work quite often for a week and although dad is here he is very absent so the kids have to do laundry cooking tidying up and basic cleaning in my absence. That helps too.

Their Dad was and still is a nob. So it’s all on me. One will do his laundry, the other two won’t and we have had some weaponised incompetence too - filling the dishwasher with the pans the wrong way, blocking the sink etc. It’s the god awful shit attitude of doing the absolute minimum and even then only after a row which is wearing me out. The sodding entitlement is amazing.

They need what’s called ‘natural consequence parenting’, eg if they are lazy then they will be the victim of their laziness, if they are forgetful they will be the victim of their forgetfulness.

If they forget their bus money, or spend it, they can walk home or wait for a very convenient time for you to collect them (ie make them wait at least an hour to hammer that message home. Preferably in the rain). Don’t leave the theatre early next time. If they spend their money, tough - no more. If they make a mess, their possessions are thrown out (start with a small easily replaceable one so they know you’re serious).

They’re a couple of years from adulthood and it’s time to learn the hard way. Stay calm. Don’t reply to those texts.

It sounds like you’re doing a great job, by the way, 3 teen boys must be very tough as a single mum and they don’t sound awful, just very ‘teenage’. But equally it’s up to you to lay the law down.

Refuse to do things, they sound ridiculous, i mean they can and should be able to deal with the dog. Rather than what they did which creates a whole load more mess. Just get stricter on consequences, they dont clean dont give them the money.

Have a family meeting and set out a cleaning schedule, make it fair with the workload, and incldue dad in it too. Use something online or AI etc, make it fair but don't go easy on the tasks or the consequences. For some things have a specific day - for others just say mid-end of the week and they can sort out their schedules to work it in. They may be more busy on x so they can do Friday-Sunday, its also good for time management skills.

Men can learn as can they. Tell them the tasks, so if its clean the kitchen then say sweep the floor, then wipe it with cleaning spray, clean the counters, aand the microwave etc. If they don't no allowance, no WiFi after homework etc done, and they have to do it downstairs. It's hard with cleaning as natural consequences are disgusting for you to live with. Like leaving their dishes after a while is unhygienic so I support that but with reason of stricter things as well.

If they don't hoover or wash the dishes, or cook, just cook for yourself and leave them to figure it out. They are more than old enough to cook once a week each. Again leave them to walk home if they impulse buy. I recommend monzo as it has pots for saving during the week and is a good way to get used to budgeting like I have to go to x next week, and I need yo pay x for the train so I have to only spend x on going to dinner or cinema with my friends. They need to learn they are almost adults.

If they leave plates in their room, then they can't use any downstairs till they clean those ones. If they don't do laundry, don't do there's for them, they'll learn when they have no clean clothes.
Do your own, oh and that applies to your husband as well, just leave his and see how he copes. He has a phone and Google and YouTube and AI to learn how to clean or do things if he actually doesn't know.

It's s not fair that they all act like babies and are useless around the house. Also they are going to uni soon, don't make the flatmates that never clean, help with the cleaning schedule and make and leave mess everywhere.

Poor dogs. OP the adult in the house should accept that if they get a dog them the responsibility is on them to make sure it is looked after properly. Your kids are clearly not interested in taking care of them so you need to make sure their needs are being met. Dogs will often get very distressed if they are forced to poo where they know they shouldn't be.

I'd leave your kids to their silly arguments and start concentrating on the poor dogs.

They should be ashamed of themselves.

Stop pocket money and WIFI. Show them how chores are done and if they don't shape up they'll have pretty meagre home life. No favourite foods, just what you like, no lifts, they take the bus, no online fun.

Reading this at the moment.
https://amzn.eu/d/aHqZbog
Raising Human Beings
Floats the idea of a problem solving collaborative approach. I’m trying it out and I’m surprised at the cooperative response. Early days though…

Don’t leave the dog with them.

sort a bus pass or give them the money but either way if they spend it not your problem.

they’re old enough to do their own laundry if they won’t they won’t it’s their problem.

buy cheap paper plates for them to use.

What happens with the washing of the two that won’t do it? Please tell me you don’t step in a do it….?

The lack of bus fare - again what was the consequence? Did you rescue or did they walk?

Message them - ‘I love you all to bits, but the house cannot carry on the way it has. I will assume full responsibility for the dog, and for providing nutritious food and access to the washing machine and cleaning products. I will no longer be cooking for you. I will no longer be doing your washing. If you run out of money I will not bail you out - if that means walking or going hungry, so be it. The router will be switched on for one hour each school evening, and two hours each holiday/weekend day. Unless anyone of you is rude to me or each other. Then the router will be removed that day. I will revisit this in three months and may allow more WiFi or cook for you if your behaviour has improved.’

Divide and rule. Get each them on their own and lay down the law as collaboratively as you can.

Taking the router is like setting fire to them. It’s the ONLY thing that seems to even get their attention.

I like the divide and rule idea. Going to think about that.

Re laundry I make sure they have clean school stuff. Two of them do their own cooking a lot. The third one would love on cereal if I let him.

Involving my ex husband is utterly pointless - he is a seething ball of rage at how I’ve ruined his life and therefore anything he can do to get at me is grasped with both hands. So I leave him out of it. The boys hate that I divorced him and the narrative from their Dad is I’m an idle fool and not to be trusted. He’s a prince.