I need help my daughter is angry with me most of the time, feels she hates me

[SueElla]

Angry 15 year old DD. Help. I work extremely hard to do everything for everyone, my family, extended family, at work, I’m actually jeopardising my own health stretched myself to the limit just because I care and I want everyone to have the best chance in life and the best things and care that I can possibly give. My DD 15, is constantly argueing with me, she’s upset that I check on her, that I ask if she did her homework, about everything really. She’s turned off her location for two hours and I go crazy with worry, and then she’s mad at me for asking why… She says she’s not allowed to do anything which is not true, there is just some mild limit to what she’s allowed (eg she has two holes in each ear but I won’t allow a nose piercing); she’s not allowed eyebrow slit. I tell her her homework is overdue (I get email notification) and she gets beyond angry and argues it’s not true. She gets so so mean and shouty and treats me disrespectfully and she is hurtful. I cooked her nice dinner, she didn’t even help or clear up (I was happy to do it as she’s been at school) and then she started blaming me for herself being unhappy because I’m apparently always worrying about her. I just can believe the things she says , she was always such a kind and thoughtful girl . My husband has cancer, quite a bad one that is not easily treated and we’re praying for a miracle. This has been 1.5 years now. You’d think at times like that everyone would try to be kinder and nicer, but she’s not seeing it. I’m begging her to lower her voice so dad doesn’t hear us and get upset, she says “it’s your fault for starting it!”. I just don’t know what to do and how to handle her. I don’t hold a grudge and try to behave as if nothing happened, and she says “oh now you’re all nice” in a really mean and smirky way. She says “I don’t care anymore, I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to see you”. It’s like she’s possessed. I’m worried about what is going to happen to our family. My other dd is away at uni, my husband, I don’t know how long he has left to live, I don’t want my little girl to hate me so much, especially after I haven’t done anything bad. I just give give give. I’m scared to forbid her things as she’s self harmed before. And she says it’s my fault she is angry, because of me being worried about her. I know a lot of teens are angry but I can’t recognise my child any more and I’m so worried that she’s becoming a mean person that doesn’t love her family or herself anymore. (She says she’s nothing to look at because I don’t allow nose piercing, eyebrow slit and to colour her hair!). Any advice most welcome please!

Is it possible she is very angry about what is happening to her dad and is lashing out at you (the only safe person she can take it out on)?
Do you think she would talk to a counsellor?
You sound like a brilliant mum in a really horrendous situation.

Thanks. She wouldn’t talk to councillor or pastoral support at school. But… We have an appointment (20min telephone call) with a Pediatric Psychologist this week to assess if she’d benefit from some help, as she’s been having these tummy aches but all the blood tests and scans showed nothing wrong, so the pediatric consultant believes that is caused by anxiety that represents as pain. My DD is quite defensive about it and never wants to admit fault/ not understanding/ being weak, therefore I hope she’ll be willing to accept the help. I hope they’ll advise her what to do to be able to deal with the anxiety of her dad being ill and explain to her how the anxiety could manifest in pain, fatigue, anger… 🙏🤞

Oh it sounds really difficult. It’s a really difficult time for the family. I heard an expert on the radio talking about teenagers and about how the hormones really add an extra (difficult) layer to their personalities. Which can make them unrecognisable.

Why do you not want her to pierce her nose or colour her hair? I just think you have to pick the crosses you’re willing to die on and it wouldn’t be things that fade out or grow over for me.

She definitely sounds like she had a lot going on and she’s taking it out on you.

That sounds really gard. In the grand scheme of things nose piercings and coloured hair aren't a big deal unless school won't allow. Not sure what an eyebrow slit is. At 16 she can experiment with her look...it might help her feel like herself.

Hard.

But try not to take it personally. She is angry about her dad. Sounds very tough.

I would pick your battles, like insisting you can see where she is at all times on her location. No need.

Maybe she’s trying to emulate you? You say you work hard for everyone at a cost to yourself - well her not wanting help as to her it’s a sign of weakness could be that she thinks you are coping so she should? Maybe you need to show some vulnerability yourself.

im sorry for everything you are going through.

My ds at that age wanted an eyebrow piercing. I hate them but let him off as l wanted to keep NO for essiential things. He wore it for a few days and as it wasn't allowed in school he took it out and l never saw it again. I think he was disappointed l wasn't mad over it. Some teens like to shock to show they are separate from you.
Pick your battles. Say yes as much as possible so you can say no at important times.
As my dc are a bit older we didn't have tracking and neither did your parents or mine. Show her some trust. There is nothing more annoying to a teenager than a constantly worrying mother. Its extra difficult for you as your dh can't help and it's a very upsetting time for the whole family. But try to ease up. Remember your parents or mine or my children's didn't get reminders from school about essays. We had to remember ourselves.
Try to stop reminding her . Just say l'm sure you are on top of it.
This is not blaming you but giving you permission to ease up a little bit for your own sake. If you have friends with similar aged kids chat to them as it helps to hear their stories.
Take care as this stage will pass.

Your DD has 4 things going on in her life

Her dad is seriously ill
That's upsetting, scary, unfair. Some people may react with a happy family facade and appear to pull together. I image that's more of a Disney story than real life if that's what you hope for 24/7. Other people react with anger, confusion, denial, anxiety.

She's a teenager, and they're full of hormones, a barely developed brain and hard wired to push back at authority and what they perceive as injustice, to isolate themselves from and reject their own parents

She has health issues which in themselves must be worrying for her, in addition to the unpleasant symptoms she's feeling

Lastly, the one thing you can control, and this is said with kindness, you sound overbearing and suffocating. Why are you doing everything for everyone? Is that a distraction from your own pain? Your teen is telling you loud and clear to step back. Do less in practical terms for her. Don't remind about school work. Turn off the tracker on her phone, don't do things like cooking nice meals that you'll resent her for not appreciating. She doesn't need any of that practical stuff right now. She just needs you to be as calm and open to non-judgemental or non-critical conversations as possible. She needs you to accept all her ugly feelings as normal and tell her that she's still a good person. Because right now, all that anger and pain and anxiety are entirely normal given what she's going through

For teens anger is a much easier emotion to show that love and vulnerability. She is going through so much and simply cannot deal with it so turns on you. It will pass but you have to just simply love her back. Have boundaries so if she is rude etc stay calm and just say you will talk to her when she is not rude, with the piercing honestly I would give in. Try not to raise your voice however hard this is.

This is very good advice. I’ve had two 15 year olds so far and I’d never dreamed of tracking them. We have open conversations and I accept I’m not in control of everything in their lives. We have had a horrible nose piercing thing that I hate. Your DD is in deep pain and worry she needs to be able to bring that to you and the small things you are focussing on distract that from being possible.

My DD is quite defensive about it and never wants to admit fault/ not understanding/ being weak,

This right here and all the anger she's showing to you are her way of protecting herself. She's trying to construct armour around herself built out of what she imagines strength is (not needing help, not admitting weakness, not needing mothering, being independent, being angry, having all the answers)

It's all fake, but it's what she has right now to support herself with. Inside this fake armour, she's crumbling. When she says hurtful things to you, don't take them at face value. Think about the crumbling girl inside that armour and try to help her.

Oh God, it's so hard and I'm not getting it right either. My 15 year old DS can be horrible- but in this case it's not the teen years, he's had this tendency his whole life. I tend to react really badly to verbal abuse, backchat, interrupting and talking across me. I do impose swingeing punishments (no WiFi, won't cook him meals), but it doesn't stop him doing it, so what's the point? But as a victim of verbal abuse in previous relationships I will not tolerate it from ANYONE, not even a child of mine.

It's notable though that the things I don't bug him about- like homework - he just ups and does. And the things I do bug him about- contributing to chores, basic consideration, being respectful and kind to both me and his brother- have become bloody battlegrounds.

Tbh I’d try and listen to what she is saying underneath the rage. She’s feeling suffocated- she’s at a stage where she NEEDS more independence, she needs to be testing her wings in the safety of a protected place.
I’d sit down with her, tell her you’ve been thinking about what she has said and you realise that maybe things need to change. Stop tracking her - I have a tracker on my daughters phone but I rarely use it, it’s for emergency use only and she is younger. Stop nagging about the homework etc - she knows what she has to do, just make it clear there will be consequences if it becomes a problem. Let her get her nose pierced and hair dyed if school allow it, if not do it in summer holidays. Part of finding your own expression is experimenting and that isn’t anything that can’t be undone, and she may well love it.

This

Thanks everyone, all very useful input. Your advise and examples have made me feel so much better. Im going to try really hard to chill and not over protect her. My DD is not very responsible in a clumsy sort of way, very good social skills and a great performer, but distracted and naive otherwise, not doing well academically, hence me trying to offer support and help. My older DD would have been trusted to be on her own for a week if needed at this age and I wouldn’t have worried for safety… but my little 15 years old one is likely to burn the house down frying an egg 😬😇.
I’ll still try to let her be, try to ignore the anger and hope for the best. It’s really hard I must admit.

I suspect it would be a good idea to talk to her @SueElla - don’t just privately make the decision to trust her more and change things, TELL her. Acknowledge how she feels out loud and and failings on your part, it will allow her to feel validated and listened too which is half the battle.