It sounds like you have slipped onto opposite teams… I have a boy of a similar age and similar diagnosis. He also has friends that don’t go to school and are a bit wild. He also doesn’t do homework.
Our situation got a lot better when I realised that he is not a normal kid. It simply isn’t as natural for him to worry about time, obligations, engage in productive activities etc, under all the ‘not caring’ is actually quite a bit of overwhelm and anxiety and simply not knowing how to be like most people.
the more understanding and empathy you have for him, the easier it is to get back on the same team.
our conversations have shifted from ‘how dare you, this is unacceptable etc’ to ‘I know this is important to you/ difficult for you, but I worry. Can we figure out something that works for you and also isn’t unreasonable’ etc.
our conversations have got a lot better, and he’s inclined to meet me half way because I am not his enemy. We are in a relationship where he wants my good regard. If I should and lay down the law, he just thinks ‘stuff you, this is my life, I’ll do what I want’
its not what people of more straightforward kids want to hear you say. They want you to say ‘I am being super firm and now he is complying’ - but it doesn’t work.
people talk about parents being to soft and say things like ‘it’s not an option, or he simple must do x y z, I wouldn’t tolerate it etc’ … but the reality is, they are talking about a different kind of kid, and their tactics just don’t work with the kind of kid you have.
people find it hard to think about or sit with an unresolvanle situation, it’s uncomfortable to think about, so they try and ‘solve it’ by being forceful and absolute. Rigid rules and punishments. But It doesn’t work. It just makes your kid feel lonely and more inclined to not care what you think and stay with his friends.