Teenage pregnancy

[2dogs2cats1teen]

My DD (just turned 18) is pregnant by her 20yo boyfriend. She thinks she wants to keep it and I want to support her in whatever decision she makes, but I’m feeling stressed and worried.
She’s a lazy madam - her room is a shit-pit, she only cleans up grudgingly, and it’s a constant battle to get her to clean up after herself around the house.
She doesn’t help with household chores without complaining bitterly.
She does her own laundry, but more often than not won’t put it away - just piles it up.
She doesn’t look after her pets - won’t walk her dog (or if she doesn’t, it’s a literal 10 minute walk around the block, so the dog regularly poops in the house).
She believes it’s “literally my job” to cook and clean for her - according to her it’s a mums responsibility to do so.
she was recently in an apprenticeship but was fired for being argumentative and refusing to apologise.
i know that all sounds negative, but she is a loving, funny and kind girl! She’s been in a steady relationship for 4 years. Her boyfriend is beside himself with fear and panic - he was hoping to join the police and thinks he now can’t. I’ve told him that just because DD is pregnant, that doesn’t mean he’s tied to her for life, and that he must absolutely pursue his chosen career.

I don’t think DD is at all ready to be a parent, and neither is her boyfriend. My fear right now is that DD will expect me to help both practically and financially. Things are tight enough as it is and I struggle to make ends meet already. I work full time and I just envisage a chaotic home, nightmare financial position and a DD who will not look after herself, her baby or our home - and I’ll be the one carrying the burden. I’m a single mum myself, and just feel like my own life is about to be turned upside down for the foreseeable future. Anytime I try to talk to DD about practical stuff, or to ask how she thinks she’ll manage, she flies off the handle and storms off. I don’t know what to do.

I am really not minimising your fears. I've known things to go the way you seem to expect them to with teenage parents, especially when the signs are already there.

However, I probably know as many teen parents who really stepped up to the plate and those anxieties didn't materialise.

I wouldn't ask how she thinks she will manage because nobody knows that. I'd help her do things like look at maternity benefits, write lists of things she might need and sources she could get them from. I'd focus on some of the nicer, fun stuff, like thinking about rearranging and maybe decorating her room.

my initial reaction from reading your post is say what you’ve said here -
the boyfriend is panicking
she has demonstrated no ability to be a functioning grown up yet - she sounds like a slovenly lazy teen who couldn’t behave herself in her apprenticeship and got fired -
she has no business thinking she has anything to offer as a parent when she is incapable of looking after her pets …

I wouldn’t sugar coat it -
why collude with bringing a baby into such an awful situation
she needs to learn the basic skills / activities of living and be able to communicate with people in a normal way - not be argumentative and petulant -
feel for you OP, what a nightmare

The problem with this approach is that she could still decide to continue the pregnancy and she would know her mother never thought she was good enough to be a parent. Going into parenthood with that hanging over your head will make the tough times even tougher and you'll never open up when you feel like you cannot cope.

That can turn into a dangerous situation.

But it isn’t just the mum’s unfair appraisal of her, if the post is true - it’s true !!
IF the girl continues the pregnancy and has a huge turn around in behaviour it would be reasonable to say wow - given how much u struggled before, im so proud of how you’ve turned things around / stepped up whatever …
The real problem is a baby coming into existence to a teen who had absolutely no ability to look after herself currently - it’s neglectful to not call her out on that and pretend to have no concerns about the outcome based on her behaviour

nothing predicts behaviour …. Like behaviour

this is car crash 💥

I would't be supportive of her decision to have a baby when she has no job and cant even manage a dog. But then I don't believe in supporting my DC if they make stupid, life altering decisions.

Others may disagree and clearly do.

I think there is a way to communicate those concerns to your daughter without isolating her and your even more vulnerable grandchild.

This
100%

i am watching the destruction of a family and marriage due to something very similar. Immature 19 years old who tried (& failed) at various employments (always the evil boss fault) then got accidentally pregnant. Her parents were super supportive for fear of it being held against them but it’s been disastrous. Their daughter does nothing with child - she treats it like a toy to be picked up and put down when bored. The parents have now been lumbered with practical and financial liability of raising a child whilst the D goes out partying and doing her own thing. Their marriage is crumbling and they are in serious financial difficulties due to having to reduce working to look after baby.

I’d make it crystal clear you will not be parenting (or paying for) this child. I’d be giving them a deadline and then making them homeless so that they are housed. If she wants a family then they need to be living as a family and taking full responsibility as a family

Agree 👍
be really hard line -
OP says she is not in a position to take this on - and needs to be really clear that she will not.

You are spot on.
i would be doing my nut.

Make it crystal clear, OP. This is her baby and she will have to fed, clothe, house, raise and love it.

Also, how has this happened. Yes, two to tango and all that jazz, but was it failed contraception or none at all. In which case, why didn’t they seek MAP?
If she decides to abort there will have to be major discussions about protection going forward.

I feel of you, OP. Very hard

I hate seeing the posts about not continuing the pregnancy.

There are so many potential parents out there desperate for a baby to adopt. Put adoption on the list of choices, please.

How would she respond to you gently pointing out that you can’t have a baby in a house where a dog regularly craps indoors? That she hasn’t been interested/dedicated enough in the dog to properly look after it (despite, presumably, choosing to get it)? You don’t have to be mean or anything, but babies are much harder than dogs!

I have to agree with others, your daughter can't even look after a dog, let alone another human being. You need a frank conversation with her - tell her straight that the baby will be her responsibility to look after, you won't be reducing hours/giving up your job to care for her child. Be firm. Her flouncing off because you're asking difficult questions is immature, and isn't going to solve anything. You are the one who is going to have to tell your daughter how it will be if she continues with the pregnancy. By all means lay adoption on the table, as well termination. The fact she's argumentative and managed to get herself fired from her job doesn't bode well for future employment either.

Have you ever adopted a child?

That’s not how it works…”You can’t have a baby, so you can have mine.” Having a baby is extremely hard on a woman’s body, with lifelong effects, and potentially is very dangerous. Young women shouldn’t go into it lightly just so an infertile couple can have her baby.

@2dogs2cats1teen She needs a dose of reality and this may well be the making of her. If it’s what she wants then she shows it by her actions starting now. She shows her responsibility and starts doing “mum jobs” as she sees them. Encourage the boyfriend to continue his recruitment process as they will need a steady income and help her to make plans for moving in with him and how the future will look.

FWIW I totally remember my mum having a rant at me about how my baby would be taken off me if my house resembled my room (I was also a pregnant teen but was moving out after I got married- also as a teen) and how social workers would get involved etc if I made up milk for him that went rotten and bottles werent cleaned (as she found dirty dishes in my room!)
The reality was I grew up pretty damned fast once I actually had a flat to look after and a baby. And whilst I maybe was never a house proud clean freak- my son was well looked after, breastfed for a few years (I was too lazy to make bottles up and wash them tbf!!) and no social workers needed to ever get involved. I grew up and am a great mum. It’s possible.

If she’s flouncing off in the home, can you go somewhere neutral for a chat like a Coffee Shop? I always find mine respond better if they think a, I’m treating them and b, there are other people around so there’s an expectation on them to behave in a mature way.

You can set out some guidelines, like you can’t afford to give up work so she will have the baby all day, you will be too busy to look after the baby in the evening so she will need to think about baby sitters to she wants to out.

You could offer to help her clean her room, if you wanted to.

And if you know anyone with a baby could you arrange for them to meet up? I find that lots of parents these days find that the first baby they’ve held or changed is there own and it can come as a big shock.

And absolutely do encourage the BF to carry in with his application for the Police, the baby will benefit from a Dad with a good job and work ethic.

Has she looked at things yet like what equipment she will need and what benefits she will be entitled to?

How far are they off a point where the boyfriend could work in the police and he, your DD and the baby could live in a one-room flat near you?
You keep the dog at yours and are an involved granny who does a few stretches of regular childcare and maybe helps them with a load of washing-up sometimes, but then you go home.
Your DD looks after the baby at first but then gets a job - even if to start with it is one day a week (or even volunteering) while you do childcare, to get some experience on her CV for when the baby is a few years older and to practice her people skills.

Maybe if they knew they were working to be at that point even in two years time (bearing in mind there is a whole pregnancy to do first too), it would give them a fixed point in the current chaos.
Given she has quite fixed ideas about the role of a mum which do involve a responsibility to provide and care, and her boyfriend sounds employable and unlikely to be hanging around stoned/drunk all the time if he is interested in the police, it could possibly be the making of them.