12 yr olds “in a relationship”

[Namechangemillionandone]

posting in teens for advice from parents who have been through this age bracket

My yr 8 DD is “in a relationship” with a really lovely lad in her form. They are about 3 mths apart in age, have been together around 5 mths and are quite smitten

they meet up on the way to school, talk on socials and Hang out sometimes after school and at weekends, either out at the local park with friends, or at our home where he is welcome.

my DP (our daughters dad) and her boyfriends dad have known each other a long time so there is a mutual familiarity and trust between both sets of parents but we haven’t sat down and had a discussion about how we are parenting our children through this stage of their lives individually.

my DD and I have an open and honest relationship. We try to advise and guide her on what’s right and wrong as all parents do and encourage her to make her choices but talk to us about things. She talks to me freely about her feelings, periods, problems, friendships and her boyfriend.

we have had conversations about what sort of relationships and boundaries are age appropriate and I feel fairly confident that she’s not silly enough to go beyond the bounds of reasonableness at this age although she gets embarrassed if I try to bring up physical relationships in the sense of telling her it’s inappropriate. (She tells me I’m embarrassing her and she’s not silly - she’s only 12 and that’s not something that would happen)

however … I also know kids are daft and do daft things and no matter how much we “teach” them - things go wrong

I just wanted to hear from others who have been through this their experiences and advice for setting boundaries, rules etc.

An I doing my the right or wrong things? Can I do anything better or different? What are the pitfalls that I may be missing?

Things can go too far even at that age. The boy being the son of her dad’s friend so very familiar and trusted might not be an entirely good thing. It might reduce boundaries your daughter would have with someone else.

Maybe try to explain if she isn’t mature enough to have a conversation about relationships and not shut it down from embarrassment, perhaps she isn’t mature enough to have a boyfriend. (I know it’s impossible to completely stop that, but it might make her feel she ought to have the conversation as part of being all grown up now

I do tend to agree that the two Dads having a good relationship isn’t necessarily a good thing.

Thank you I didn’t think of it like that - I can have another conversation with her and take that approach.

Yes I can see why that may be an issue in terms of us being too relaxed about them being alone together.

for clarity they have only known each other 12 months as they were are separate primary schools.

the dads were childhood friends and had lost touch and it was only when the kids got together they realised they knew each other. therefore when I said we are comfortable with the family I meant we were happy that the boy has grown up in a family unit similar to ours - same values, morals etc. in other words he’s a good kid.

although that doesn’t negate the fact that even at 12 things can be too familiar and go too far

Oh my goodness. I was still playing with Fuzzy Felt when I was twelve.

Tell her she is far too young to be 'in a relationship'. But they can be friends.

At 12 they are friends, and shouldn’t think of each other as anything else. They are both still very much children and not mature enough to be engaging in anything other than platonic relationships. Being close is fine, but anything ‘romantic’ is inappropriate, and is just a crush and they need to acknowledge as much. Be open and honest and talk about sex in correct terminology, no euphemisms or subtlety. If she can’t deal with you mentioning it, they are too young to be getting mushy over each other.

I would be asking her what she means by defining him as her " boyfriend " and what this entails. I would be very much suggesting to her that she should be having a wide and varied social life at this age.

Me too. I went to an all girls school too where there were definitely some teen pregnancies. I was so naive til the 18 yr old office junior who I fancied the arse off nearly took my virginity on the floor of the supplies on work experience 🙄 thankfully I was far too scared of getting pregnant to let it go that far. For a girl that had only kissed 1 boy before it was everything I didn’t need but let him have because I was so naive.

So I guess in a way I’m glad she’s going through an experience where we can be open and talk to her and (I pray to god) make sure there are no nasty surprises- but I still rather she’d be playing with fuzzy felt

She does - she has a large friendship group at school and outside of school and they both hang out with friends separately too.

i will check with her what she defines as a boyfriend at this age. I mean they are obviously “together” mushy tiktoks, sweet messages, gifts (think the teddies with hearts saying I love you etc) they hang out go on little dates to the cinema etc. just generally a different relationship than what she has with her other “boy” mates and him with his “girl” mates

but I think it’s a good idea to get her definition and come up with a way to ensure it’s age appropriate cos obviously it’s going to be very different to an adult definition

She can talk about her feelings etc for him. Shes fine with that. It’s when I broached the subject of what’s inappropriate physically at this age she got all “mummmmm we aren’t going to do that shut up that’s so weird you are bringing that up!”

Yes its not a 'relationship'

I think allowing children to use adult terms for their associations and other behaviours is adultification of children and yet at the same time we're leaping all over them helicopter style and alerting safeguarding about kids about every other little thing

Children shouldnt always be allowed to define something that is happening, thats the job of the adults around them. see also gender issues but thats another issue.

She can call it what she likes, but you as the adults shouldnt really indulge it.

It’s when I broached the subject of what’s inappropriate physically at this age she got all “mummmmm we aren’t going to do that shut up that’s so weird you are bringing that up!”

So, what exactly makes him her boyfriend and not just her best friend who is a boy, if there’s not even any hand-holding or kissing happening? Because in most cases, sexual contact is part of what you do with your boyfriend, that you don’t do with anyone else.

There’s hand holding, and I think they probably hug. I believe he’s kissed her on the cheek but I don’t think it’s gone further than that. She had a friend stay over last night so we haven’t had chance to catch up since I posted this thread.

If she were mine she’d suddenly be being kept very busy with other things

So what should we do? Ignore it? Tell her she’s not allowed a boyfriend? Assume that she’s observing those rules when she’s not with us?

Is that not turning a blind eye to something that could lead to something that is much more inappropriate such as underage sex and teen pregnancy because we as parents buried our heads in the sand shouldn’t indulge what both her and him see as a boyfriend/girlfriend ‘friendship’ as opposed to their other many platonic friendships?

how is keeping a watchful eye on this particular relationship she has with this particular boy and talking to her openly and honestly about it the wrong thing to do?

Well in her head its a relationship and over time, the pressure and understanding and expectation of what a male/femal 'relationship' is could lead to sex or behaviour she doesnt want or isnt ready for

Thats the point, she needs support to understnad its a friendship, they like each others company, bit of a crush, fancy each other but its not a relationship because thats a grown up thing and you're not grown up or ready for grown up things.

And I didnt say you dont keep an eye on it, you certainly do keep an eye on it but as someone else said, you need to busy her days considerably and create a bit of distance between them

I would definitely make sure she has extra curriculars keeping her busy and that she's still seeing all her friends, I would also explain to her how important these things will be if things come to an end for any reason. But I wouldn't say she can't have a boyfriend or try to put a stop to it altogether. I'm not sure it matters whether it's called a relationship, boyfriend, a crush or just friends - those are the sort of semantics adults tie themselves up in knots over, not kids. I also don't think it matters what she defines boyfriend as, lots of kids have a GF or BF and it just means they're a bit romantic towards each other and has nothing to do with sex.

I would keep things open, encourage her to talk honestly and keep a close eye on things. I'd be talking to her about the possibility of heart break and importance of making sure she has a life beyond him, I'd be talking about the importance of consent (around anything not just full on sex) and not doing things to try to impress someone or keep them - the importance of her self esteem and that she doesn't need to change to do anything she isn't comfortable with for anyone. And that you'll always be there for her, doing your best to support her.

I think you’re absolutely right to be keeping an eye on things, and talking to her like this. Absolutely don’t bury your head in the sand, or dismiss it, especially not to them, or you’ll push them towards a Romeo & Juliet situation, and lose her trust. As @soupyspoon says,
she needs support to understand its a friendship, a crush, but its not a relationship in the true grown up sense, as she’s not a grown up or ready for grown up things.

Thank you - I did kind of expect that my wording (in quotations for a reason) would get some responses for the wording choice, but as you say it’s just semantics and people love to get in a tizz over it. I didn’t expect anything less from mumsnet 😂

At the end of the day all connections with other humans are relationships and it’s just how we define our boundaries in each one that makes them different.

They have a BF/GF relationship- I’m not going to insult or diminish their feelings by telling them they are invalid.

Whats important is that they have and continue to have an age appropriate relationship which is why I was looking for advice on how other people may have navigated their own tweens in similar circumstances.

thank you for considered advice. It’s really appreciated.

we’ve spoken about consent before (she had a female friend in primary who was very touchy feely and we had to speak to the teachers about reminding kids of boundaries)

we’ve spoken about it a fair few times since, as well as boundaries and only consenting to things she wants to do (eg he asked her if they are supposed to hold hands on the way to school as that’s what “year 11s do” but she said no as “it’s embarrassing” and he was very relieved 😂)

we also had another conversation about sex last night and age appropriate levels of physical intimacy.

She’s still embarrassed but she did listen and the bottom line is she knows how important it is to keep talking to me about all things related to this.

So now we cross our fingers hope she crosses her legs and keeps the door open 3 inches 😬

You keep on saying you want it to continue as an "age appropriate " relationship. What do you actually mean by this in terms of physical actions ? Have you communicated to your daughter these ideas? You say you have spoken about "consent" - consent to what though at this age? Are you leaving it up to her ?