Is this the worst stage of being a parent?

[Thematic]

My boys are now 11 and 13. A year ago we used to do lovely things together like pub walks at the weekend or going pumpkin picking. I loved hanging out with the kids! Suddenly all they want to do is play sports, hang out with their friends or play computer games. Any suggestion of family time now elicits eye rolls from the eldest. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him a the time. But they aren’t old enough not to need us…as a taxi service and a food servers. So we also never really get to do anything of our own either. They aren't quite old enough or mature enough to be left on their own for long periods (we live in the Home Counties and a night out often means trekking into London and being quite late back). My eldest probably would be but his brother won’t do anything he says so no way can I leave him in charge. So get to go out. But they feel they are too old for babysitters and they’re probably right. Most evenings involve driving one of the other to a club or sports and leave no time for my own hobbies. Though if I’m honest, I’m not even sure what my hobbies are anymore anyway- I’ll probably have to reinvent myself having given up most stuff I used to enjoy to make time for the kids when they were younger. We used to love holidays but now I’m dreading spending that much time with the surly eye rolling teenager if I’m honest. And being perimenopausal I’m feeling so emotional, and it’s definitely making me nostalgic for having little ones who I was so close to and who wanted cuddles all the time, as I never seem to get any affection from either of them all of a sudden. It just all feels so thankless.

If i’m honest I’m also quite bored - something about having them hanging round the house staring at screens makes me feel so restless, and as I work from home and the boys are at private school and have VERY long holidays, that restlessness is slightly affecting my work as well.

I know, we’ll come out the other side and all that but just right now I feel really fed up with it all and sad we’ll never have that lovely family time back again. It just feels so thankless and unrewarding. Sorry, moan moan I know, but I just needed to get it off my chest!

OP, I think every age has its challenges. If it's any consolation, I think it does usually get a bit better as they get a bit older. DS is 14 and while he's still a moody teen, he's more independent so there's a BIT less driving around AND, for certain things, we can really enjoy time together. Him and DH went camping a few weeks ago or we'll find shows we all like to watch together. They usually like eating out so the odd meal out works, or movies. And actually, while I know a lot of people find holidays with teenagers exhausting, so far, we've quite liked it - but then we don't mind quite a lot of chilling out and then the rest of the time we're wandering around markets or going to the beach or hitting the pool.

Also, try seeing the lifting as time together. It's often the best chatting time and you get more info out of them in that 15 minute lift than in the previous full week!

It sounds like it’s more logistics. If you want a night out send younger child to grandparents or a friend for a sleep over if you can. 13 year old is fine on his own at home if you’re going into London. You may also find left to their own devices without you they get on better. Ours at that age loved the responsibility of being home alone. Left them with a take away and a film and they’d put themselves to bed. In terms of wanting to see friends and be out doing sports, this is excellent- read a lot on here about kids attached to screens who don’t have friends and won’t leave the house. If one is out at sport or with friends you may find other is more willing to do things with you.

Yeah it kind of is tbf, they do come and show you flashes of the old times occasionally though and it gets better, as they get older you will develop a different relationship with them which is fun as well. You will see their new characters in little glimmers peeking through the sullen grunts and eye rolls , you can watch them navigate their new challenges and places in the world and guide your 2 young men. Honestly it’s not that bad , but yes you will also feel a little bit sad and often surplus to requirements whilst still also being very much needed! It’s a strange time indeed. However one thing we did which worked at these ages , is pay them both when you go out , make it worth their while, give them £15 each to behave for the evening, snacks , list of what to do if there is an emergency , don’t open the door etc , if it’s successful do it again, if it’s not get a babysitter , someone will be happy with that gig, no toddlers! Start short with the cinema or something .

Also if they're into sport, use that as a thing you do together. We have always tried really hard to make sure we attend as many of DS' games as possible. It's so important to him and even when he pretends its not, we know he loves us being there and then over analysing every move after! I'm always a bit surprised on the sidelines to see how many children are at matches without a parent there. Ad then you also develop little rituals for before/after. DS and I have our favourite fish and chip shop near where he used to play tournements and stopping there was always a highlight, for example!

I actually found the transition from childhood to adulthood hardest 18/18/20/21.

In theory their problems are their own, although they still feel like yours, but there's nothing you do about it and they know far more about everything that you possibly could anyway!

We are in the midst (12,13,15). We negotiate some family time and we as parents have made accommodations. I'm watching more action films and spending more time in Primark than I would ever have chosen! One of ours now has a significant health issue emerging and I say this not to shame or guilt but I would try and rise above the grunts and eye rolls if that's as bad as it gets currently. 15 year old is very funny and sometimes lovely when he emerges now!

I certainly felt nostalgic about that golden phase from about 6 to 11 when they were thrilled with a bike ride or picnic.
I loved the teen from the perspective of watching them grow up. Yes there are lots of years of taxiing, especially if you live in the sticks as I do. I loved holidays at this age (well all ages apart from toddlers).
Problems become bigger, more painful and harder to solve. Girlfriends and broken hearts.

It gets worse........ Sorry to say, 16/17 is a tough age, they know it all, you are stupid, still a taxi but a dopey taxi driver. They start lieing to you and keeping secrets. I ld still say my 2 are v good overall, but as they mature they resent the mothering.

They fire you from your management role, despite still needing you, and full fridges and presses and washing machines and dryers. They don't need your opinions but they do rely on your home comforts.

Oh I’ve already got the joys of lying and keeping secrets @Mollydoggersonthats just making it harder. Finding apps on his phone that hide his search history has been today’s joyful experience!

I thought lieing looked weird, that ll be my perimenopausal brain lying to me. 🙂🙂. Solidarity 💛

I find this stage hard. I have a 13 year old and the summer holiday is just intense stress and worry - too old to be 'sent' to a holiday club - too old to arrange his social life. So just constant questions 'so, are you going out? so, are you seeing a friend? and arguing over gaming time.

Exactly @waterrati could have literally written that myself!

This is exactly what I was going to say. At least at 11/12/13 you’ve still got some authority but technically once they hit 18 that’s gone and you have to watch them make their own mistakes and be there to pick up the pieces.

It will get better. My 14 year old was shoplifting , self harming, drinking and taking drugs 😳 it doesn’t get much worse than that. Horrendous time. However now she is 17 and in the gym every day, super healthy and doing her A levels. Hang in there! Mid teens are the worst (though yours don’t sound too bad tbh - just norma!)

I hear you OP, it can be a bit of a slog, but they naturally start to distance themselves from us, on and off, while still actually relying on us fully to meet their needs! It takes them years to mature into adults and this is the start of it. It can be a real adjustment for parents, I think.

Mine are 17 and 20 now, and I’m loving this stage. Both have jobs, cars and girlfriends but live at home. We’re all quite busy, and we pass like ships in the night a lot of the time, but we book in things to do together like gigs, festivals and holidays, an escape room, a meal out now and then and it’s really lovely. They still need us and occasionally will present us with problems they need our help to solve (car problems, money issues, relationship woes etc), but they’re quite independent overall. It’s great that we’re not having to provide any taxi service now, and I also don’t have to cook as much as I used to as they often cook for themselves and friends, or eat at friend’s house, get a takeaway etc. (I work most evenings so wouldn’t be able to eat with them anyway). So even though we obviously don’t spend as much time with them as we used to; we’re getting the best of both worlds really- not having to do as much for them and being able to enjoy quality time with them without too much of the mundane stuff.

The mum’s taxi stage is very wearing.

i was very, very happy when my oldest passed his test.

It wasn't for me.
I liked seeing them growing a little bit in independence, and the first small steps to finding their way in the world.
I enjoyed the conversations and LOVED the fact I no longer had to get in the swimming pool with them!
I enjoyed seeing them develop their own friendships.
I really liked things like the fact they can put their own seatbelts on, no longer need car seats etc.

All of us like / dislike different stages different amounts.
All of our dc are also different.

Personally, the newborn stage was the worst for me - the total dependency along with the torture that is no sleep.