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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS friend is being abused! What can I do?

13 replies

arcticpandas · 17/10/2025 09:23

Complicated situation : DS15 came home in a state yday. His friend told him he hadn't been in school for a couple of days because his dad had been drinking and beating him and his younger brother (15 and 11).

DS was made to promise not to tell anyone because they don't want SS involved (parents divorced but they live mainly with their dad). I have never met these boys or their parents. They are all in mainstream secondary but in a class apart because they got special needs (my ds asd, the other boys are in this class as well). My ds is adamant that I shouldn't say something to their teacher because then it will come out that it's him and 1. He will lose his friend and 2. He's afraid the dad will take revenge on his friends and on our family because he has given his friend my name and number which he has given to his dad so that we could arrange for the boys to meet outside of school. Due to their sen they need parents to organise things whereas my ds12 is independant before anyone jumps on me for babying him. This was before his friend told him about his dad abusing him and also selling drugs(!). When my ds told his friend that it was horrible and that his parents had never beaten him his friend didn't believe him. He said all parents do and atleast it wasn't with the belt!!!

It's a moral dilemma. First instinct was to call his teacher. DS got into a state crying, screaming he was afraid the dad would kill us all. I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone in order for him to calm down.

I have to tell someone. I can not live with myself thinking of these boys being abused. If I report anonymously to SS it would be hard because I don't have their name just first name of one and the school.

Can anyone intelligent please advice me how to get help for these boys while leaving my son out of it? And also our family since the dad is a violent criminal apparantly.

Thankful for your input.

OP posts:
SisterMargaretta · 17/10/2025 09:25

You can inform the school, you could contact Social Servicds yourself or you could call the NSPCC helpline. You must inform someone though. Personally I woukd start with the school.

IReallyNeedThisToWork · 17/10/2025 09:29

What a horrible situation for all of you. Good on your son for having the courage to tell you. It speaks volumes about your relationship.

Honestly, I would speak to the school. They may already have concerns and their safeguarding team will take it from there.

I know your son has serious concerns about what will happen next but this isn’t something teenagers can sort out themselves and nor can it just be left. Sometimes change has to happen even when we don’t want it to.

Rainbowshine · 17/10/2025 09:29

On your local authority website you can report safeguarding concerns anonymously

StarlightRobot · 17/10/2025 09:33

Speak to the school immediately. The red flags are probably there from the school's perspective and it’s not necessarily right that the family will immediately guess this is connected to your son. The right thing to do is very clear cut and not in any way a moral dilemma.

SingtotheCat · 17/10/2025 10:13

I’d phone the police OP. Now.
Look at it as you having no choice. The police have the power to act and do an emergency protection order.
This would also shift “blame” in that the call is less likely to be attributed to you. Neighbours often hear things and report, so it would not lead to you.
Children die in these circumstances. Please don’t leave it any longer.

Placestogo · 17/10/2025 14:15

Speak to school and/or police and they can make a welfare check (home visit)

Autisticburnouthell · 17/10/2025 14:16

Call the police on 999. Now. Ideally you should have done this last night.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 17/10/2025 14:24

I wonder if this might be the perfect time to ring the NSPCC hotline tel:0808 800 5000 0808 800 5000
i can understand your want to remain anonymous if this man is local and violent.

BunnyRuddington · 18/10/2025 09:27

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 17/10/2025 14:24

I wonder if this might be the perfect time to ring the NSPCC hotline tel:0808 800 5000 0808 800 5000
i can understand your want to remain anonymous if this man is local and violent.

I would do this too.

TheLivelyViper · 21/10/2025 20:02

arcticpandas · 17/10/2025 09:23

Complicated situation : DS15 came home in a state yday. His friend told him he hadn't been in school for a couple of days because his dad had been drinking and beating him and his younger brother (15 and 11).

DS was made to promise not to tell anyone because they don't want SS involved (parents divorced but they live mainly with their dad). I have never met these boys or their parents. They are all in mainstream secondary but in a class apart because they got special needs (my ds asd, the other boys are in this class as well). My ds is adamant that I shouldn't say something to their teacher because then it will come out that it's him and 1. He will lose his friend and 2. He's afraid the dad will take revenge on his friends and on our family because he has given his friend my name and number which he has given to his dad so that we could arrange for the boys to meet outside of school. Due to their sen they need parents to organise things whereas my ds12 is independant before anyone jumps on me for babying him. This was before his friend told him about his dad abusing him and also selling drugs(!). When my ds told his friend that it was horrible and that his parents had never beaten him his friend didn't believe him. He said all parents do and atleast it wasn't with the belt!!!

It's a moral dilemma. First instinct was to call his teacher. DS got into a state crying, screaming he was afraid the dad would kill us all. I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone in order for him to calm down.

I have to tell someone. I can not live with myself thinking of these boys being abused. If I report anonymously to SS it would be hard because I don't have their name just first name of one and the school.

Can anyone intelligent please advice me how to get help for these boys while leaving my son out of it? And also our family since the dad is a violent criminal apparantly.

Thankful for your input.

Report it to the schools DSL, ask her to lie not on the forms but if she ever has to talk to the dad.

Say it was from school concerns, most of the time they are happy to lie, to ensure other people feel safe etc. It wouldn't be on the forms etc or when they tell SS but they can say to the dad that the school had concerns or just not mention you or your DS. But do report it even though they'll probably have a bad resolution, especially with his age, you can't not report it.

Blessedbethefruitz · 21/10/2025 20:08

Is there an update @arcticpandas ? This obviously won't have been the first time at those ages :(

Andregroup · 21/10/2025 20:23

Set up a new email address, and email the school saying you are a concerned neighbour of these children, but that you only know a first name. Say you heard noise/crying, and not for the first time, then saw they were not in school. This way, it can't be linked to your son (assuming you are not neighbours). Say you do not want to be identified for fear of repercussions, but that you could not let it lie.

Original poster
arcticpandas · 21/10/2025 22:31

Thank you all for your input. I didn't see that I had any replies to my post before today. You will be happy to know that I have filed an anonymous report to local authorities. I gave them the dad's mobile number so that he could easily be identified. Good thing I had it and even better that I hadn't used it yet. I didn't want the school's involvement because they would talk to my son who has already spent 2 years out of school due to anxiety so I couldn't risk anything being said to him.

Thank you everyone. It was never a question of not doing anything- it was just a question of how to go about it.

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