Little things you do to show your teen you love them.

[Sortoutthehouse]

Struggling a bit with my relationship with dd13 in year9. She’s wonderful but being a teenager is hard and on top of that her dad has left and has a new girlfriend (who dd adores- younger and better put together than me and clearly excited to have a prospective step daughter to go to the cool shops with etc). I feel like we are becoming more and more distant despite her only being with her dad and his girlfriend eow. Between work and juggling siblings( one of whom is a terrible sleeper), cooking dinner and dad hanging out with her mates or in her room, we get next to no quality time together. I really want to make an even bigger effort to show her how much I care for her and love her and what a brilliant person I think she is and really just grow our connection in little ways, so she knows and feels it without being suffocated. What little things do you do that help build that connection with your teen?

I literally ask if I can come and have a chat and go and sit on her bed for an hour and listen to her talk about anything and offer advice where I can

Pretend I don't exist

I try really hard with my 14 and 13 year old dds to at least set aside 10 minutes at bed time to let them just offload about their friendship group traumas. I try and be relatable and find out what music or tik toks they’re into. My 14 year old especially is super difficult, she’s just started her periods so hormones are absolutely raging and it’s hard to know which personality I’m going to get from one hour to another but I’d just say to try and keep yourself relatable to her without overstepping the mum/daughter boundary. A new make up product every now and then is a win. When she goes to her dads maybe give her 2 mascaras and encourage the relationship with the new step child who is no doubt having her own set of issues right now. I have also from time to time drawn a smiley face on their lunch box fruit which sounds silly or leaving a lunch box note with something funny on it. You will always be her Mum don’t lose sight of that fact. The step daughter is no way going to want to share her own Mum I’d count on that for sure, it’s a novelty to everyone and it will wear off. Hard as it is id also try my hardest to build some sort of civil relationship with the step mum. Let her know you’re very present and that ultimately you’re not going anywhere.

Taking a real interest in their music, friends, TV and so on.
Bringing small treats home like a favourite chocolate bar.

Asking for their help or opinions, I used to ask my d for help with things she could 'do best' like arrange my photos on my iPad or I'd ask her advice on a small life matter like ' should I call my friend to meet for coffee or stay home and make a cake' silly example but I'm illustrating not dumping a real issue on her just interested in her thoughts.

.Breakfast in bed occasionally. Offering the use of my posh bubble bath or hair conditioner. Bigging her up in front of her to my friends ' you should hear this great song 'mary' likes, amazing taste in music ' for example. Just little things that show she really matters.

That sounds like a really tough situation OP. Dad and step-mum get all the fun stuff and you are juggling the day-to-day essentials.
i am still married to my DC’s dad so have no experience of that complication but the issues of connecting with teenagers remains the same. Mine are grown up now but a couple of thoughts:
when she’s older, your DD will look back and better understand everything you are doing for them. Doesn’t fix your immediate problem but hold onto that thought.
At 13, she will appreciate being treated like an adult. Try to involve her in day-to-day stuff. For example, ask for her help in planning meals for the week and then create the shopping list together. Get her involved with meal prep, you can chat while she peels and chops and she will be learning some life skills along the way.
if it’s possible for Dad to have the siblings separately next time she need a haircut, take her for a hot chocolate & cake/ cafe lunch or whatever she enjoys. Mine always talked more about things that are important to them in that environment than at home.
if you wear make up, give her some makeup lessons and experiment together.
Teach her skin care routines and have a pamper session at home together.
These things may not appeal you her (or you) - but just look for opportunities in the things you need to do / she needs to learn.
having typed all that, I am also thinking that at 13, it should be possible to put the question from your OP to her directly and ask her for suggestions. That in itself shows her that you care about her and value her input

WhatsApp them, even if you're in the same house. If you see a funny meme or hear a good song, send them a link. It's speaking their language

Maybe a bit different as my DD is autistic and emotionally probably a bit younger for her age but I am trying to support her through something very challenging at the moment and we have been connecting over card games, Uno etc.

Thank you, there’s some really simple but useful advice here like letting her know I’m present and asking for advice / opinions on low key things etc. Also reassuring to remind myself that I do a few of these already, like big her up to my friends and share my hair straighteners. My own mum has always let me know how much she loves me though was never approachable or someone to confide in when I was growing up, she just didn’t get it and was very judgey. I really don’t want that for my relationship with dad. My own dd said that she sometimes doesn’t tell me stuff because she thinks I’ll get angry (despite not really having ever been angry with her - I’m generally quite calm and go with the flow, perhaps my increasingly wrinkled brown bone / frown lines are setting the wrong tone for me!

Just seen a few more reply’s from when I was typing that. Thank you @OMGitsnotgood that really resonated with me and was pretty much what I needed to hear I think (apart from she will probably be the one to to teach me about makeup / skincare, though that would be a good bonding time too!).
I should try the game thing a bit more too @SisterMargarettashe has said she enjoys doing that when her and her siblings are with her dad / his girlfriend. I need to get over thinking it’s just a million times easier when they are there because there’s two adults to juggle everything and team up with, rather than just me.

I go for a drive with my youngest (only one at home). She opens up far more without the pressure of face to face conversation! A Starbucks and a sunset drive usually makes us both feel more connected. I call it a magical mystery tour and off we go!

Cook his favourite meals
Drive him to cricket practice and stand in as scorer when usual scorer unwell so game can go ahead
Ask his opinion on things
Praise his efforts around the house
Leave him a bar of chocolate if I am going out
Let him choose TV Chanel when it's just the 2 of us at home.
Not nag him about tidying his room. I just think his room his mess.

I stash nice snacks in my bedroom and both my DCs for some reason seem to come and see me just when I’m settling in to watch tv in bed and see what snacks are on offer! We usually then have a few minutes with them both chatting to me. It seems they come awake on an evening just as I’m getting tired!
My DD14 also likes a peruse of the middle aisle at Aldi especially when the skincare is on, so we have a bit of a trip then.
Otherwise at the moment any time we’re in the car by ourselves both of mine are chatty, to the point I sometimes have to say give me a minute as I need to concentrate!

When my daughter was that age we had movie nights when we took it in turns to choose the film. I would choose classics from my teen years (Ferris Bueller, Breakfast Club, Princess Bride etc) which she ended up loving.

Watch a box set with her , DD and I watched Gilmore girls when she was a teen, just me and her with treats and made it our time. So nice chats about the characters, the mother daughter relationship and it was as easy way for her to articulate her emotions and feelings via her options on the characters . Took us a few years to watch it all.
she’s 26 now and we are still v close

Make his bed now and again.
Make hot choc at bed time.
Get his fave chocolate bar.
Bung £20 in his bank account.

Pretty much everything already said above for DD Yr 9:

• movie night + snuggle on sofa with snacks
• send her funny insta reels
• take an interest in her friends/life etc
• listen and don't offer solutions unless requested
• Cafe for coffee + cake
• make her water bottle up each morning
• see her out of the door and tell her I live her even if she doesn't reply

We also share a hobby which helps.

Me and my son (nearly 14) have a TV show that only we watch - it's currently Brooklyn 99. We try to squeeze it in where we can, sometimes only half a episode, but we end up a bit snuggled on the couch, laughing. I also initiate it regularly, so it's me asking to spend time with him, not the other way around. I drop in when he's in bed every now and then, sometimes he wants a chat or a cuddle, sometimes not. I try to keep up with his interests so I can 'get' the things he's telling me about. I try to listen and not solve (but this is hard and I don't always succeed) so that he will tell me things and see me a safe space. He has a hobby in the city and he can go in and out himself, but when I can I go in too and afterwards we get a burger, he gets to choose the restaurant. Then small things during the day that just say I'm thinking of you - I remembered the cereal you like, I remembered you don't like to be kissed, I remembered your favourite dinner, etc.

Thanks everyone. Great suggestions. I’m finding it hard to do things like a box set, which we would both love, as one of her younger siblings is a nightmare going to sleep and still wants me to stay with them while they settle and it’s so late by the time it’s done - I should probably try and sort this issue on a separate thread (though they have found the changes going on hard too). Reassuring to remind myself that I do do quite a few of these things when I’m able. I never thought I’d be doing it all on my own and in what feels like competition with someone who seems to have completely wowed my children over, they don’t stop talking about the amazing prospective stepmum and the fun stuff they do with her and dad. I probably need a million threads to sort my life out but at least I can start with some ideas on this thread, relationship with teen dd feels like the first priority.

I’ve posted a similar thread today so I completely understand how difficult it is.
As she is with you/your house the most then she will relax more and feel she can switch off and hide away in her room (mine does), however at her dads it’s more of a novelty and he probably tries hard to make the most of the limited hours.

I try to comfort myself with the thought she is the most at home/relaxed at my house and doesn’t need the bells and whistles. I also assume it’s all fun and laughter at his house but she’s assured me not.
Dads girlfriend will do the best to please and be super fun, however in reality she’ll get irritated by a teen.

But yes, always good to re-connect and this can be hard. Car journeys and bedtimes are usually the time I get the most chat. I ask for make up/clothes tips, she shows me daft reels she finds funny, we try new recipes etc.

My dd year9, likes a trip out to Costa, I buy her a frappe & a treat then a small gift from the nearest shop.
My dm used to win me over with shopping as a teen.

Sharing a tv show together is a great way of bonding in a very chilled out way. It gives you something to talk about but also starts other conversations. Plus, watching tv with a teen is kind of like driving with a teen. You're not looking at each other directly the whole time and, for some reason, this helps them open up.

Also, don't rise to the competition. They will know, ultimately, that you were always there for them.