Literally at my wits end!

blankcanvas3 · 14/10/2025 15:46

There’s not much you can do with him directly as you’re not his parent, but I do think you can tell your partner that if things don’t change you will leave because this sounds unliveable. When my DS misbehaves we take his phone/playstation etc off him but that’s easier for me because I’m not his stepparent. Unless you can convince your partner to do this, things will never change

Original poster

RiledBeyondBelief · 14/10/2025 16:14

That’s my concern.

My partner is my world and I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

But this is having such a detrimental impact on my home life I’m really struggling.

OP posts:

blankcanvas3 · 14/10/2025 16:18

Can you sit him down when his son isn’t there and have a proper chat about it? No arguing/shouting, just tell him how you’re feeling/what you expectations are? Is it your house or his?

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 14/10/2025 16:30

RiledBeyondBelief · 14/10/2025 15:43

Hi all,

My partner and I have been having drama with his now nearly 15 year old son for the last 3 years.

Lying, lying about being bullied, detentions at school, fighting and getting suspended, stealing money off his brother, vaping, vaping in our house, having a vape in his pocket on a rugby trip to Holland as well as money he stole off one of the other kids and blaming one of his team mates, stealing vapes and vape juice off his Mum, ruining my birthday cake, going into our wardrobe and opening Christmas presents… I mean it’s too much.

My view is that this boy needs consequences for his actions, however my partner has another view. He never wants to deal with his ex over this boys behaviour so he just gets away with everything.

This boy still has his phone, access to Netflix and his PlayStation 5, goes to rugby, goes out with his mates and he’s even been treated to a holiday abroad with his Grandma.

He lets himself into our house whenever he feels like it and it absolutely makes me so mad because I’m made to feel like I’m not allowed to say anything because of who he is.

I am drained to the point I don’t even want to look at him or talk to him when he’s around. My whole demeanour changes and it’s hard for me to be any other way. This boy has stared me in the eye and lied to my face several times and I don’t see why I should have to just accept that. I don’t want him in my home, especially when I’m not there and I feel I shouldn’t have to keep my mouth shut just because of who he is.

He is the only reason why my partner and I argue and I’m tired of having my views and opinions shut down.

Any advice gratefully appreciated!

Unfortunately his behaviour won't change unless your DP steps up and actually patents his own son.
You have two choices im afraid...

Put up and shut up and accept you fait of misery
Tell DP that unless some serious boundaries and consequences are implemented immediately, you're over.

Unfortunately your DP is showing you his true colours that your health and mental wellbeing come second to his son and he'd rather see you be a stranger in your own home than address these problems. Not really a good foundation for a long and happy life together is it?

ThejoyofNC · 14/10/2025 17:43

You called it your home, what's the housing situation?

aCatCalledFawkes · 14/10/2025 21:41

RiledBeyondBelief · 14/10/2025 16:14

That’s my concern.

My partner is my world and I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

But this is having such a detrimental impact on my home life I’m really struggling.

If your partner can’t see how ill this making you then I would question how much of a partner is he?

It’s not like you have fallen at the first hurdle, he’s bad behaviour is so far down the line it’s hurting your mental health.

I’ve had a bumpy time with my 14yr old, my boyfriend is incredibly understanding about him from what he has seen but I think he would have real concerns about some of his behaviour if he had seen it.

Original poster

RiledBeyondBelief · 21/02/2026 12:58

So… Update.

Step son is a big boy. Last time he was weighed was probably middle/end of last year at 16 stone. Recently we have been finding a shed load of sweets, full fat bottles of Coke and wrappers in the Step Sons bedroom. All hidden. And when I say a shed load all of his Christmas and birthday sweets, an amount you would expect to last a while went in 2 days.

Last weekend I went to get a packet of mini biscuits out (I can only eat certain foods due to allergies) and expecting there to be 4, there was one.

I quizzed both kids (I have one) and they both said no.

I went into the step son’s bedroom and surprise surprise there was one of these packets empty stuffed down the side of his bed. Once again he stared me in the face and blatantly lied saying he didn’t know how they got there because he doesn’t like them, then changed his story to “yes I ate them but I got them from my Mums”.

He's still been given zero consequences for any of it and my partner is expecting me to just move on and deal with it when it happens again because he’s a 15yr old boy and that’s what they do. My partner also keeps asking me how long do I give it before I forget all of the Step son’s past misdemeanours and just get over them but I can’t if things keep happening!

Step son and I have zero relationship and my partner wants this to change and because I’m the adult it’s up to me to make the effort. How do I make the effort with someone who steals my things in my home and lies to my face?

What my partner doesn’t get is that my feelings and emotions are reactive to my own personal experiences with this boy and his behaviours.

I literally have no idea what to do and we have argued more and more about this one issue.

OP posts:

Rumplestiltz · 21/02/2026 21:22

“Lying about being bullied”? Maybe that is the problem. Bullied kid who needs some help.

Original poster

RiledBeyondBelief · 22/02/2026 07:41

Rumplestiltz · 21/02/2026 21:22

“Lying about being bullied”? Maybe that is the problem. Bullied kid who needs some help.

Meaning it never happened.

He was telling us he was being bullied by some kid at school to steal money and vapes from his Mums house but we found out in the end that wasn’t the case at all. There was no one doing the bullying. It was just him stealing them and then lying about why he was doing it when he got caught.

OP posts:

Lurkingandlearning · 22/02/2026 08:51

RiledBeyondBelief · 14/10/2025 16:14

That’s my concern.

My partner is my world and I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

But this is having such a detrimental impact on my home life I’m really struggling.

Where ever your partner lives is his son's home. But it doesn't have to also be your home. You could live separately and still have a relationship and as his son is the only thing you argue about, it would be a much happier relationship. There's no point digging your heals in because you are right in saying his son's behaviour is bad and your partner's parenting is poor. The situation isn't going to change or it would have by now. Just move out and make a happy home for you and your son; and your partner when he visits.

Billybagpuss · 22/02/2026 09:03

Sorry if I’ve missed this but do you have kids together?

your partner may be your world, but this situation is not working for you and it is not going to change until the boy is at least 18 probably much older.

if partner refuses to engage in the situation and orchestrate change, you literally have 2 options: put up and shut up, or live somewhere else (imagine a beautiful calm, clean apartment where things stay tidy and food is where you left it)

Original poster

RiledBeyondBelief · 22/02/2026 21:58

If I move out that’s the relationship over. There’s no bigger statement to make.

We’re engaged and meant to be looking forward, not taking a huge step backwards and living separately.

OP posts:

Original poster

RiledBeyondBelief · 22/02/2026 22:04

Lurkingandlearning · 22/02/2026 08:51

Where ever your partner lives is his son's home. But it doesn't have to also be your home. You could live separately and still have a relationship and as his son is the only thing you argue about, it would be a much happier relationship. There's no point digging your heals in because you are right in saying his son's behaviour is bad and your partner's parenting is poor. The situation isn't going to change or it would have by now. Just move out and make a happy home for you and your son; and your partner when he visits.

Show quote history

You misunderstand. It’s my partners son, not mine. It’s my partners son that has been causing all the problems for the last few years and I’m the one who wants to deal with it but my partner says I should just move on. I don’t have a bond with this boy and that’s purely on the fact that I can’t get over that he has lied to my face and now he has stolen from me personally and lied about it.

Its so frustrating as my partner and his whole family think this boy is an angel, even after they all know what he’s done over the years but because I’m the one person who calls it out, I need to get over it.

Make it make sense.

OP posts:

Itwasallyellow2 · 22/02/2026 22:11

I very rarely say to anyone they should move out or end their relationship but, in your case, I’m saying it. Your partner’s son is not going to change overnight. Your partner doesn’t seem to recognise the seriousness and impact on you. For your own wellbeing, you need to live separately or end the relationship. You deserve peace.

Right now you think your partner is all-important because you are living with him and he’s part of your daily life. Distance creates space to see things differently. Do what is best for you, not the relationship. Don’t sacrifice yourself.

I wish you all the best for the future.

MasterOfOne · 22/02/2026 22:16

Whilst this is a terrible situation you fond yourself in, it was literally posted back in October your 2 options. Either put up and accept nothing will change for a long while or leave....

Thats it?

Not sure there is more advice to be given?

Whatwouldnanado · 22/02/2026 22:25

I wouldn’t be leaving all this to your partner. The boy isn’t going to go away, he’s at an important time in life and if he goes completely off the rails it will have consequences for years for you all if you stick with the relationship. He comes as part of the package.
You might not want to, but I would try and engage with him. Often with teens the more horrible they are the more they need to know someone is there for them.

How does he do at school Have you talked to the boy about any of this ? Do you talk to him anything, praise the positive (there must be some?) Think I would start by saying something about the biscuits, such a shame he misunderstood they were just for you because you can’t have other stuff. Does he get an allowance? Have responsibility in your home to earn it? Vapes, junk food absolutely no way - show him the health info. What’s his career plan? Ambitions? Get to know him, make him feel you are on his team and get rules in place.

Billybagpuss · 23/02/2026 06:40

RiledBeyondBelief · 22/02/2026 21:58

If I move out that’s the relationship over. There’s no bigger statement to make.

We’re engaged and meant to be looking forward, not taking a huge step backwards and living separately.

Then you’ve made your choice.

this phase will pass, but it might take years and unless something truly dramatic happens your partner is not going to change the way he handles him, so he’s going to be constant source of angst in your life.

there are small things you can do, like lock your food away, go out when he’s in your home etc.

Hopefully there are some things you can take comfort from on this thread and may help 💐

malificent7 · 06/03/2026 12:31

The vaping is annoying but they are all at it unfortunately. You are right not to allow it in your home but all you can do is educate him on the health problems as if they want to vape they will do it behind your back!

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/03/2026 15:51

It sounds as if your dp has a lot of dad guilt. ATM what your dss is doing is relatively minor. Unchecked it could go two ways. By 17/18 he could be a lot better or at the other end of the spectrum, dealing drugs or worse . It really depends on the crowd he hangs out with and the parenting.

I think I’d be talking to your dp about this again. And from a point of concern for his ds. He thinks you should just ride it out. So right now, you’re not going to get anything from this angle.

Ifeelfat · 08/03/2026 18:38

You don’t sound like you like this boy very much? Understandable perhaps but if you could see his good points it might help?

obviously your partner has to support his child. Teens can be objectionable which is easier to cope with if they’re yours, less so if they’re not. (FWIW none of the behaviour you listed is particularly awful.) But you want to stay with your partner so…

I think improving your own relationship with the boy is the way to go. Try and think as though you were his mum - largely ignoring obnoxious behaviour and praising anything good you see, no matter how small. He may start to blossom and if you can see small changes, or any recognition of your efforts, it gives you something to work on.

even the most hideous teen has some strengths in my experience - look for them and praise him for them. If he likes you he’s less likely to want to piss you off.