How much freedom you give your 14 year old

[Autumnsunnyday]

DD is 15 in 2 months. She has started a new coed school and started to go out more, more interested in makeup, boys, etc.

So far she has gone out with old friends I know; but today she just texted me if she can go to her friend house after school which is further away. No idea who the friend is, is it a boy or a girl; don’t know the house or their parents. I have said not.

I am worrying sick and thinking the worse.

Did you ask her whose house and where it is?

I think it was fair to say no this time, but when she gets home ask all these questions so that it's ok next time. Maybe offer to drop her off so you can see the house/briefly see the parents etc.

She said where the area where the house is; that’s all. She has not read the other messages yet.

I think she is being restless and it may be a boy; but I have a good imagination; she did say they live in xxxx, which is not local.

she said they, no she

Thanks. I said not. I don’t want her to go to a house which is a bit more than an hour away, on a weekday and a friend I don’t know.

I need to have a serious chat with her about this,

Can’t wait for this stage to be over.

Unfortunately, this stage is the rest of her life now...going to meet people you don't know in places you haven't been. It's only going to get worse on that front. You need to give her the skills to do that safely and make your peace with it.

Really? Should I just relax and let her go?

I am not sure I agree with you; I think they are quite restless at this age and immature. 16 and over is a bit different though.

Of course not, you should continue to parent her. Give her the skills to manage what comes next.

But the exploring the world and being outside of your safe parameters aspect will only get worse. She could be off to Uni in a few years at which point she can go to whatever house she wants with whoever she wants whenever she wants having drunk/taken whatever she wants. There won't be a point in the future where you regain control over where she is or who she's with. That's fading out of view.

Totally agree with @NuffSaidSamabsolutely continue to parent and advise how to navigate difficult situations. Today probably caught you off guard and I understand your instinct was to shut it down. I have a dd who is 15 next month and she’s allowed plenty of freedom as long as she’s honest with me. We had an incident last week where she had been drinking it ended up leading to a very frank and honest discussion and I actually feel like we are in better place now because of it.

Thank you. I do appreciate that and she is gaining more freedom.

Thank you. It did catch me off guard; I don’t think she is being completely honest or giving me all the information.

There’s a big bridge between “just relaxing and letting her go” and also outright saying no!!

We’ve always taught our teens that trust breeds trust. In practice this means gradually slackening the metaphorical reins, letting them prove that you can trust them and gradually build it up.

Personally I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to say an outright no. But they should be sharing address, perhaps sharing live location on Life360/WhatsApp etc and agreeing - and sticking to - a return home time.

There’s a big bridge between “just relaxing and letting her go” and also outright saying no!!

We’ve always taught our teens that trust breeds trust. In practice this means gradually slackening the metaphorical reins, letting them prove that you can trust them and gradually build it up.

Personally I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to say an outright no. But they should be sharing address, perhaps sharing live location on Life360/WhatsApp etc and agreeing - and sticking to - a return home time.

She just finished school. She called me and said it is a girl and put her through, she sent me the address too.

Thank you. She called me and put her friend through and sent me the address.

I gave her permission for a couple of hours as it is a bit far. It is hard to let go.

We have share location

You are not going to know all her friends at secondary school. You do need to cut the apron strings and trust her a bit more. Just give her a time to come home and ask for the address.

Thank you. It is a learning curve as she has started going out more in the last few months and further afield so all happening quite suddenly.

I still think she is too young to be navigating the whole of London and further away; but probably is me being overprotective. London is where we live after all.

Do your kids go out much during weekdays. I would rather she would leave those outings for the weekend. Kids at her school come from all over London, and further away I think.