15 year old, completly at loss..

[bluesquare]

I am a 15 year old girl who for the last year has ben going through a rough time.
My parents went through a messy divorce during that time because my Mum had an affair with a man who came into my school and taught us. That obviously shocked me as I thought their marriage was okay, they had no obvious fights and my twin sister and I took it quite badly.

My Dad suffers from depression and is quite hard to talk to so we used to find it quite difficult going round there and he would cry alot of the time or say things about our Mum which made us feel uncomftable. Now a year on, it is still prety much like that except he went to rehab and now no longer cries, well in front of us anyway. I don't dislike seeing my Dad but as a teenager, I have other things on my mind: school, friends, music and my boyfriend.
This upsets him as he thinks I am ignoring him and that is not the case, he wants to see me every weekend but I also want to see my friends and boyfriend then!

My Mum continued her relastionship with this man (who was the local priest and taught us during school mass.) They broke up after he decided to go back to his wife and then, a few weeks later my Mum met this man over the internet. He immediatly move din with us and my sister and I found this very difficult to cope with, after losing our Dad in such a short time we were now being faced with a new man, basically a stranger living with us. My sister hates him so much that she moved in with my Dad for a week, but couldn't cope with his moods. This was around May. I try to get along with him because I think he makes my Mum happy but a part of me just thinks she feels that she thinks she has to have a man in her life. Sorry if that doesn't make sense but she has rushed into so many things. Often my sister and I are woken up during the night by them having sex next door which is also distressing as we feel it should still be her and my Dad.. which sounds silly I know.

My twin sister alson suffers depression and may have to go into rehab because of this man and I can't bear to see her go.

My older brother and sister now refuse to talk to my Mum because of the way she has treated my Dad and because of the way she introduced this man to our lives. I agree; it could have been slower so we had got to know him but it wasn't.

My older sister is now divorcing her husband and has two young children who I love sososo much. Often I find myself babysitting so she can go out with her new man. I feel she is going the same way as my Mum and I don't want her children and my neice and nephew to have to go through what I did.

Sometimes I don't know what to do anymore. I have my exams now, well in the Summer, and my friend and boyfriend expect me to be happy. Which I want to be and am. But sometimes things become so big that you can't control them. I feel I am constantly trying to make people happy and am forgetting about myself.

Any words of anything would really help me.
Sorry for this essay btw, I just had to let a few things out.

Oh BS- what a horrible situation for you. I think you are being really brave to post this and ask for help.

I used to teach in secondary schools- so first, I'd ask- do your teachers know all of this? They should. Do you have a head of year or a tutor or a school counsellor you can talk to? They need to know so they can help you and give you help if needed with your work etc.

Your mum has, imo, behaved badly-one upset is enough for teenagers to cope with, but all of this!! She sounds very insecure and is bed-hopping to try to make herself feel better.

There is nothing you can do about your mum- unless you can show her this, or talk to her. Can you do that?

Can you talk to your friends? Don't feel you have to put on a brave face- they are your friends- why shouldn't you feel sad at times?

I don't know what else to say- other than talk to your teachers.=, your mum and your friends, and hopefully your mum will see sense- this new man doesn't sound as if he will be around very long,imo.

Good luck.

BS - what a horrid situation for you
Just wanted to say, please don't feel guilty about not wanting to see your dad every weekend. I have a 15yr dd and of course she is off out every w/e with her friends and bf. This is the way it should be at your age.

Feel very sad that you are having to live like this with your mum's new bf. Can you talk to her at all and let her know how you feel. xxx

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Your mum and dad are both in a mess and failing to support you and your sister because they are caught up in their own problems, and I find it sad that at 15 you are forced to confront the fact that your parents are normal human beings who do the wrong thing sometimes, who can be weak or selfish, who make mistakes. THat's always a tough lesson to learn at any age. I'm sure few people would think your mum's decision to move a new man in so hastily was a good one, and you're showing an amazing level of understanding for someone so young to see that she's probably doing this out of fear of being alone. Are there any other family members (an aunt, uncle, grandparent?) you could confide in about this, or would that complicate matters even more? Is your mum open to talking about how you and your sister are feeling, when the new man isn't around?

Bluesquare, you sound so mature, dealing with a load of crap tossed at you by your parents. Please don't feel guilty about anything that you do. Your parents are adults who are responsible for their own actions. Your mum sounds very mixed up and rather desperate. It may be that she felt the priest was the man she would spend the rest of her life with and, now that he's no longer around, she has found someone else in order to "prove" that she was right to split up with your dad. However, she is very wrong to inflice this on you and your sister.
Could you not move in with your dad - both you and your sister? Perhaps his moods would be better if he saw you more frequently? You wouldn't have to spend every weekend there and you wouldn't have to listen to your mum's sex life.

What about your older siblings? Any chance of staying with them at all? It does sound as though your life at home is pretty unbearable.

I presume your school has some student counsellors. Could you talk this through with them?

Well done for finding us here and having the courage to talk through your worries. We may not be teenagers ourselves but many of us (myself included) have teenagers of our own.

My one piece of advice to you would be not to worry about all this all of the time.
Set aside a period of time once a day when you can have a good think/cry/punch the pillow about the situation and then the rest of the time, try to forget about it.

You deserve to be happy, regardless of how other people are messing up their lives, and although this has an impact on you, try not to let it take over everything.

Good luck.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.
There are people at school that I can talk to, and have talked to but all say the same thing. They basically want to know if it is interferring with my studies and if not, they just make me talk about things over and over again so we go round in circles.
I don't really like talkign about it alot because it feels as if I'm just going through it all over again.

With my Mum we have often spoke about how it is affecting us but she does nothing, she ovbiously takes our feelings on board and last week she told us that he would be living with us only at the weekends.
It lasted about 2 days, and now he is back here permantly and I feel so hurt that she can go back on her word.

Sorry, I missed out on Freckles question there.
I can't really move in with my Dad because he works alot and he wouldn't be around. Also I never feel 100% comfortable around him, we've never been the best of friends.

Maybe you need to talk to your mum again- also- have you anyone older in the family- aunts or anyone who could talk to you r mum and tell her what you are feeling?

Most of my relatives have now decided they don't wany anything to do with her, apart from my Uncle who is her brother and has to stick by her. I can't tell him because I don't want to damage their relastionship.

I agree about trying to talk to any older relatives.

I am aghast that your mum, with two 15 yo girls in the house, would invite a man to live with you, someone she scarcely knows. Do you have any concerns about this man that you haven't shared with us? It just worries me as a single woman with young female children is a prime target for paedophiles. I am concerned that this doesn't seem to be an issue for your mum.

My older sister and brother felt the same about him moving in adn the fact that she didn't know him well. I remember the first time I saw him was when the first time they had met & he came back to our house and slept on the 'sofa'. Thats when we heard it the first time and it was embarssing as I had my best friend round.
She met him over the internet on a dating site and I don't know anything else about him really.

First of all, Bluesquare, forget about making other people happy. You are absolutely not responsible for other people's welfare, that is for their own account, not yours, at your tender age. You are a 15yo girl who should be concentrating on your education and on enjoying and experiencing life.

Try to work out what bothers you the most and see if anything can be done. Eg, if it's your mother's 'new man', have you told her you can hear them having sex? Can you move rooms to sleep elsewhere? Often, solving one big issue means the others diminish in importance.

Try to shake off the things you can do nothing about, eg your dad's depression. And tell people not to involve you in their quibbles and disputes. It's not fair to expect you to take sides - it's Murphy's Law that you end up on the 'wrong' side!! Remind them you are still a child (I know at 15 you must feel quite grown up, but using the child card can come in handy at times!) and it's not up to you to solve anyone's problems.

Do what is best for yourself. You are on the cusp of going out into the world and you need to concentrate on giving yourself the best chance in life.

And do come back to Mumsnet, there will always be people willing to lend an ear.