I’m not sure what to do

[Bathandbed]

I did something I shouldn’t out of desperation and ready my 16yo daughters diary, she has been so distant for a long time.
She Is doing really well at school and plays in a few sports team, she has no special friend though or someone to hang out with outside of sport.
she feels lonely, she is questioning her sexuality and also she has self harmed at least once last year. She feels like when I talk she can’t stand it and if I touch her she wants to scrub off her skin. We had a chat a few days ago where we managed a rare heart to heart. She feels disconnected from me, like we are very different. I said I imagine I give her the ick but that’s normal and what nature does to allow her to seperate and become independent. I said I don’t think she likes compliments (she rolls her eyes and looks annoyed) or affection so instead just know that when I make her favourite meal or get her snacks in that’s my way of telling her I love her. I don’t know what to do with what I have read. I already suggested she could go to counselling of she ever wanted to talk to someone if she doesn’t feel like she wants to talk to me but she strongly rejected the idea. I am desperate for us to be connected. I can see any of my attempts smack of desperation. Id
love to do things together but she is so busy with school and all of her various sports that when she has time at home she just wants to blob out. It doesn’t help my MH is through the floor although I’m on medication to get on top of it…on HRT for peri too….so this is kind of feeling a lot like the straw that breaks the camels back. She will be moving away to uni in a year and I want it to be a nice year. I asked her if she thinks things would be better if I changed any of the ways I parent, she says no. Any advice?

You cannot do anything, that is a MASSIVE breach of trust.. wtf?
If you suggest either by word or action that you have done this then she will rightly never trust you again.
You carry on as you are, you respect her need for space and you wait for her to come to you.. because she will, unless she finds out that you have read her diary.

@Orangepate thank you for the reality check. Yes I shouldn’t have done it…I didn’t intend to, it was lying there when I was doing something else and I just felt compelled to look as I’ve been worried about her and she won’t communicate. But none of that changes I didn’t intend the wrong thing.

Meant to say none of that changes I did the wrong thing

Don't be too hard on yourself, I'm sure many parents would read a diary and it's not like you were doing it to catch her out as you say.

This bit stands out though, "She feels like when I talk she can’t stand it and if I touch her she wants to scrub off her skin." I remember being a teenager and getting annoyed with my Mum sometimes but never such a visceral reaction like that, do you think something has happened to make her feel that way? The self harming would worry me as well as a Mum, I know plenty of emo kids who did it when I was young but I was not one of them and it seems a cry for help to me.

I'm sorry anyway it sounds really hard and I don't know what you can do other than be there for her and hope she improves her mental health. I'd be keeping a close eye on her but trying to remain at a distance at the same time, if that's even possible.

@KylieKangaroo thank you. Yes that’s what worries me - scrub skin, can’t stand it when I talk…I’ve rationalised it as giving her the ick which she kind of agreed with…but there might be more to it and if there is I’d really love to know and do what I have to do to make it right. Yes the self harm does worry me, it makes me feel she has huge feelings she doesn’t know what to do with …yes close eye but from a distance…I need to stop “trying to connect” by saying dumb shit …

Park the diary thing, that was a massive mistake and you need to forget that you even did it.
I think this is one of those times when the best thing you can do is have some confidence in yourself and your parenting. However hard that might be. Feel your own self worth, spend time on your hobbies, but also be available for her should she need it. This might not be the case, but if you are very emotional you might be coming across as needy and cringey (as my kids say). I think you need to model being independent and not just ‘mum’, this will give her space to grow up and pull away safely.
Aside from that, i think your chat, which basically sounds like it was about love languages, was great. You might find that your emotional needs are different but if you look closely there might be signs that she loves you (in between the teenage-ness) but she’s just not showing it in the way you need or expect.

You don't do anything. If you're overstepping and interfering in other ways too aside from reading her diary, which is SO wrong btw, she nah pull back.

give her space and show her kindness and don't ever do that again, she's 16 and deserves some privacy.

That must have been grim reading but I don’t think that teenagers feeling repelled by parents is that unusual. I felt like that aged about 16 and by 20 I adored by mum and loved hugging and talking to her. Hang on in there OP and giveDD lots of space whilst feeling lots of love.

@dicentra365 thank you, yes I am emotional and trying not to be..I think it makes her think less of me and also this whole thing isn’t even about me and I should be putting my own feelings to one side. It has just been us and her sister and being a mum has pretty much become my identity …although that’s not the same as over bearing or overstepping (usually) - she has heaps of freedom…more internal. Thanks I think if I try to get my own life more once this stupid depression has lifted it a bit it will take some pressure off the whole situation.

@MeEspresso yep I hear I don’t do anything …I don’t think I do overstep in other ways…but I’m trying to be mindful of what I think is overstepping and what she might think is overstepping.

@Puzzledtoday thank you, it’s actually good to know that it’s not entirely abnormal to feel the way she does and maybe there isn’t something big I feel the need to fix. Your post has given me more faith to just wait it out.

Is she ND in any way? I only ask because I completely sympathise with the hate of being touched, and someone just winding me up so much. It doesn't mean I don't like them, it just means that I absolutely cannot deal with it at that moment, and that's neither my fault nor theirs!

@TheDenimPoet thank you, I don’t think she is neurodiverse at least not in any obvious way ….

Stop trying to connect.

she almost certainly doesn’t like it and it probably comes over as needy and emotional.

i’d be concerned about the self harm but the rest is completely standard teenage stuff.

if she comes to you and asks for something, do it or give it to her (if not illegal). Support her by being there in the background if she needs you.

I remember feeling like that about my mum. I really hated her. Every question she asked annoyed me. The way she walked or looked at me or ate or just EVERYTHING. The reason was simple - I was a teenage girl.

Shes now one of my best friends. I completely grew out of it.

@Octavia64 thanks, yes, I will stop trying to connect. I struggle so much to just leave undesired situations alone, but that’s my problem. I really just want her to come back to me, and not let my actions over this period fuck it up for good. So leave it for now seems to be the advice.

@isthesolution your post made me smile, thank you. I really hope it’s normal. It’s just night and day compared to how we once were, so it’s good to know lots of people felt this way. I had a really really chaotic childhood that was one trauma on top of another so I don’t have a great idea of what normal is.

I also wondered if she was ND.

The lack of friendships, sensory issues around touch and low mental health stood out for me.

Very hard op. I do think it is probably normal, I despised my dad at times as a teen. I felt left out and defo middle child syndrome. It's a difficult age. It's horrible to think your child feels this way but it too shall pass. Regarding reading the diary yes it was wrong but I understand, when my dd was 11 I knew something was wrong, I read hers and realised she had an Ed and had for longer than I had suspicions about it. Sometimes we do bad things as mums but it's due to fear not because you want to be nosey. Going to uni and being apart may improve your relationship and give her more confidence in herself. This parenting lark is hard bloody work!

@NessShaness not liking to be touched is new. The only thing i can really see in her is she is a little bit socially awkward and she is v young for her school year so she is maybe about a year to a year and a half younger than the others which i think is showing itself now more than ever and makes her feel a bit lonely.
@Hereforthecommentz im sorry to hear about the ED, yes sometimes you just know soemthing is wrong but when they won’t tell you and there is a piece of paper with the answer in front of you it feels like a compulsion to look.

@NessShaness the lack of friendship is a relatively new thing too, her best friend relationship seemed to break down in recent ish times because the other girl is older maybe nearly 18 she has a boyfriend and goes out drinking which my daughter isn’t into yet.

Girls are amazing maskers so I wouldn't rule it out completely

Check out the autistic girls network and see if anything jumps out.

But agree with others don't tell her you read this and maybe do some things for yourself for a change. She may notice and it might give you some space and you may even enjoy it.

I understand. She may not be, there were just a few things that jumped out at me as the mum of an autistic girl that’s all.

I would wonder that she’s looking at on the internet. So I would look at her history. This is in relation to her suddenly not wanting to be touched.