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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Lying and meeting a boy

26 replies

Mumma3teens · 07/10/2025 06:14

My daughter has been acting up for the last few months and it's escalating. She knows I randomly check her phone due to a previous incident with her being bullied.
this morning I found out she's planning on lying to us this weekend. She has told us she is going to a local town with some friends but turns out she's going on her own to meet a boy who
doesnt go to her school. There is nothing in this town at all for anyone to do.
i don't know what to do, I don't want to keep fighting her and I don't want her lying to me.

OP posts:
sagebasil · 07/10/2025 06:17

How old is she?

GagMeWithASpoon · 07/10/2025 06:18

How old is she?

Original poster
Mumma3teens · 07/10/2025 06:25

Hi sorry 13

OP posts:
sagebasil · 07/10/2025 06:29

Hmmm in that case I would definitely be concerned and want to know exactly who this lad is, and why does she feel the need to lie about it. He may be a lot older? Grooming her? Confused hopefully not, but still.

Can you ask her directly why she's lied?

stopitcow · 07/10/2025 06:36

When my teenager was lying a lot I actually flipped things around. I told them that if they were open and honest with me about where they were going etc, then I would allow them much more freedom and they can do what they want (obviously within reason). However, if they lie then I can’t trust them so couldn’t go out.

It’s not easy but I try to appear very lighthearted with them and make it seem we are having much more adult conversations, ie “oh where are you off to?, do you want a lift, have a great time and I’ll pick you up at 10pm. Just let me know if plans change”. I don’t ask much more but, by being more lighthearted, she is much more forthcoming.

She also knows she has to answer her phone if I ring.

We persevered with this and fortunately it appears to have worked.

Sometimes I want to ask her lots of questions but she would close down and do things behind my back. Doing it this way means she will let me know where she is (although I don’t always like it)!

Billybagpuss · 07/10/2025 06:40

There’s definitely a place for @stopitcow s suggestion but it’s so blatant I think this needs to be addressed directly, how is she planning on getting there?

HugelyExpensiveCrystalDuck · 07/10/2025 06:55

I suppose you are going to have to tell her you know now because you have checked her phone. I think I would ask her why she’s has felt the need to lie about it all. And go from there. I would tell her that I didn’t want her lying to me, not because I wanted to stop her enjoying herself but because if she needs help because she’s in a situation then I don’t want to be at the gym with my phone in a locker of an hour away with no car.

Then I’d facilitate her meeting this boy because I’d feel like if I didn’t then she’s going to lie in the future and things are going to get harder and harder.

I think the most important thing in this situation is getting it into her head why she shouldn’t be lying to you about things like this. And the reasons are it’s dangerous and you don’t want her to be in danger.

Hurumphh · 07/10/2025 06:58

What’s the rest of your relationship with her like? Kids lie when they feel scared of telling you the truth. Notice the ways you might make her feel scared and bring her into more connection and a sense of safety with you.

ByGreyWriter · 07/10/2025 08:25

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cannyvalley · 07/10/2025 08:32

Hurumphh · 07/10/2025 06:58

What’s the rest of your relationship with her like? Kids lie when they feel scared of telling you the truth. Notice the ways you might make her feel scared and bring her into more connection and a sense of safety with you.

This is a sweeping generalisation and not true.

teens lie for many different reasons.

its not really ok to suggest that this OP makes her teen feel scared.

Meadowfinch · 07/10/2025 08:36

13 is a difficult age. Can you suggest that they meet at your house? Or agree that she can meet him at a local pizzeria, where you'll be eating at another table.

Make her understand that you aren't trying to prevent them meeting, just that you need to keep her safe.

Hurumphh · 07/10/2025 08:55

@cannyvalley can you expand on some of the other reasons please?

ByGreyWriter · 07/10/2025 09:30

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BoredZelda · 07/10/2025 09:33

If she knows you are checking her phone, she obviously isn’t very bright if she has left her plans on there for you to see.

Presumably you simply tell her you’ve seen what she is planning and she is now grounded.

sashh · 07/10/2025 09:35

Time for you both to watch Kayleigh's love story together.

https://www.leics.police.uk/kayleighslovestory

I think you both need rules, because at 13 she is interested in boys and she isn't going to get less interested.

Obviously no going alone to meet a boy. If she wants to meet a boy you have to speak to his parents first. They meet in a neutral place like a café, with at least one parent each.

Something like pizza hut, you and the other parent can talk and the teenagers can sit at another table so they are constantly in view.

My parents were incredibly strict so I lied a lot and the other thing was I didn't know how to get myself out of situations.

A quick glance up tells me I'm not the only one with this idea.

Poppingby · 07/10/2025 09:41

The best advice I had about having teenagers is that they lie, they just do, so don't make it a big deal.

However if your daughter is 13 the problem is not so much the lie as the fact she's meeting someone who may or may not be a boy her age. You're going to have to tell her you found out from her phone but don't bang on about the lies. Take her out for a hot chocolate or for a drive somewhere and ask questions in a light and curious tone to find out if she's safe i.e. who he is, how she met him, what she plans to do. You may feel that she is behaving badly by lying to you but with teenagers getting cross about that is throwing the baby out with the bathwater. You need to know what's going on.

CuriousKangaroo · 07/10/2025 09:54

You need to have a calm and grown up conversation with her about how she needs to be honest about her whereabouts and who she is with for her own safety. And that you never want her to be in a position that if something happens, she feels unable to reach out to you.

If she is old enough to be meeting boys, then she is old enough for you to explain the reality of the danger of doing that, especially if meetings are in secret with boys she doesn’t know.

Ahwig · 07/10/2025 10:30

I mentioned this before on Mumsnet but my dad was a policeman and would often be involved with missing children, especially girls. He found time and time again that he would talk to the parents and ask about friends and boyfriends and the parents would often say “ oh no she’s too young for a boyfriend “.
Dad would then ask about the missing girls best friend and would then go and speak to her. Best friends really know what’s going on . He found so often that yes the girl had a boyfriend but kept it a secret because her parents didn’t allow it. Sometimes the best friend knew the name of the boyfriend, which was a starting point but sometimes not so they weren’t much further forward.
As a result of this I was allowed to date at probably a younger age than most of my friends but: the boy had to come to the house first and write his name and address down. I had no reason to lie then . If any boy hadn’t been prepared to do that ( none ever refused) my dad said they weren’t worth my time. Of course I still had curfews and dad also wanted to know exactly where we were going. After the first time I could meet them elsewhere.

ByGreyWriter · 07/10/2025 12:25

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waterrat · 07/10/2025 13:37

I have a 13 year old and while this would worry me its tricky as different children are hugely varying levels of maturity at this age

One of my children...tells me nothing and is super independent and I wouldn't be worried

Other one id totally freak out !

BadWoIf · 07/10/2025 14:40

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She is 13! It really is her parents' problem. I don't think you can abdicate responsibility to such a young child. Even if she has the knowledge of what may happen, she's very unlikely to have the maturity to make sound decisions based on that knowledge, or the experience to know how to assess potentially dangerous situations and avoid them.

Do you have daughters of this age? Would you really allow them to do this?

TheDenimPoet · 07/10/2025 15:11

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Yes this is excellent advice.

Parents should all absolutely definitely allow their 13 year old daughters to go to another town to meet a boy they don't know, who doesn't even go to her school (how did they meet? have they even met before?) and then say well that's fine it's her own fault if she's hurt - or worse.

Perfect advice. Everyone definitely do this.

allwillbe · 07/10/2025 16:15

Hurumphh · 07/10/2025 06:58

What’s the rest of your relationship with her like? Kids lie when they feel scared of telling you the truth. Notice the ways you might make her feel scared and bring her into more connection and a sense of safety with you.

i agree that this is a sweeping generalisation. My teen lied about tons of tings at this age- it was mainly because she wanted her own way and thought she should be allowed to do what she wanted at about 13/14. She is nearly 20 now and when we talk about it she just says she lied because it was easier then getting.having to persuade me to let her do some things

ByGreyWriter · 07/10/2025 16:22

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GagMeWithASpoon · 07/10/2025 16:38

Mumma3teens · 07/10/2025 06:25

Hi sorry 13

Yeah, at 13, this is a fight you’re going to have to have.

First, I would give her a chance to come clean, asking about her plans at the weekend. Then I’d tell her I know the truth and that there are two issues with that, first is that she lied and second , that you don’t know this boy(and neither does she?!?, it’s not clear how they met or if they actually met before). I’d remind her of the dangers and be very clear about them and why you are concerned. I’d remind her that you are her mother and you have a responsibility to keep her safe. That you trust her (or at least did until now), but you don’t trust other people, especially someone you have never met.

Then the biggie , she’s grounded this weekend for lying. Make it clear that If she had been honest, you could’ve worked with her to find a compromise. Tell her she can meet the boy another time , or even better he can come over to the house (watch a movie , have dinner etc.) so you can meet him , but she needs to be honest about who he is and how she knows him. If she is adamant she wants to meet him in town, you will drive her there , meet him and they can have a drink/something to eat while you do some shopping and you’ll be picking her up to take her back home. If she doesn’t agree, it doesn’t happen.

At this age , these are the fights worth having. She can hate you all she wants, scream,shout ,swear whatever. You have to parent her.