Daughter doesn’t want to have a relationship with grandma

[Questioning222]

My daughter has told me recently that she no longer wishes to have a relationship with her grandmother. She very smart and bright so I know her reasons aren’t just out of no where and honestly I’ve just been waiting for this moment to come because I know she would see the family for who they are in time. I’ve never kept her from them. I wasn’t married to her father and she knows who he is but he’s never been involved. My daughter says she feels uncomfortable with her grandmother because of her behavior and personality really. She only sees her maybe once every couple months randomly and then for her birthday and Christmas. Other than that she doesn’t call and my daughter doesn’t ask about her. When she visits, grandma doesn’t really pay attention to her and she’s younger too so it’s not a matter of her being unable or unaware. Grandma invites over the other grandchildren who are considerably younger so my daughter feels lost In the crowd or even like she babysitting. She always comes back hungry, when she used to sleepover she was sleep deprived because grandma would let her stay up all night even from a toddler and basically my daughter would say there wasn’t anything great about the visit. Her father is also there sometimes apparently when she visits but he doesn’t provide any support or contact my daughter at all. Which is something I can only assume is extremely confusing for my daughter to see but the grandma has always enabled her son regardless of his doings and to who. How do I go about the situation and supporting my daughter? I’m not so worried about court but it’s in the back of my mind. I’m more worried about the grandmothers actions or how she will react to the news because she is extremely irrational, immature and controlling.

How old is your daughter?

Just be busy.

easiest way.

grandparents in general do not have rights to see a grandchild, the only exceptions to that are if they have effectively been acting as parents while the real parents take drugs/are not in the country for months etc.

When ever she messages to arrange seeing her just have an excuse.

“Sorry DD is going through a phase where she doesn’t want to be away from home so sleep overs are out of the question at the moment.”

”Sorry DD already has plans that day.”

”Sorry we are going away for the weekend.”

I wouldn't make a big deal of it. There's no reason at all to say to Grandma "DD doesn't want a relationship with you any more". If she's a teen, as someone else has suggested, just say she's busy/has a commitment when she'd otherwise be expected there.

There's no need to light any fireworks.

shes 12.
that’s what I’ve been doing for the past year basically always saying she had other plans and no more overnights when she would go. Grandma is young so she not 70/80 where she’ll forget about it. She will literally say “okay, next month then what works for her”. I feel I’ve come to an end with being able to brush it under the rug. Especially now with my daughter saying “no mom I don’t want to go”.
i feel if I stop communicating with her grandmother she’ll show up at my door.

Don’t have it out with Grandma. Just do as other posters have said and be unavailable the next few times. Hope things die down a bit and grandma’s attempts to arrange visits fade out. Surely she will get the message.

At 12 just be mildly honest and say that she’d rather be hanging out with friends than having sleepovers at Grandmas.

If she's 12 then she is old enough to decide whether she wants a relationship with this person or not.

What do you think the grandmother will do?
I don't really know why either you or your DD needs to have anything to do with her ever again. She sounds horrendous. Back your daughter up, go No Contact.

I’m worried about possible court because she’s been quick to say it in the past with her other grandchildren’s moms. I’m worried about harassment but obviously the police can help there. She lives for this stuff I’m telling you.

I’d say the court threats can be ignored as Grandparents don’t have automatic rights to contact.
Just keep stalling as others have said - your daughter has plans, a party, too much homework, been invited to a friend’s house. Be matter of fact about it and say she is getting a bit more independent & maybe she (DD) will be more interested in a month or two…..
Or develop a dodgy phone and block her?

I did that too lol got my daughter her own line so she could call her there instead of my phone but my daughter doesn’t respond, so grandmother comes calling and texting me instead. Telling me to have my daughter call her even after I’ve told her “it’s up to her if she wants to talk to you”
it doesn’t help that the holidays are around the corner too

If she wants to take you to court then let her crack on. I doubt she’d even make it that far. Grandparents can get court ordered visitation when they have a really close relationship with the child, look after them on an extremely regular basis and the child really wants to see them. In this case they’ve seen each other very intermittently, hardly anything at all in the past year, and the lack of contact has been your child’s choice as she doesn’t even want to see her. At 12yo courts rarely manage to enforce contact with actual parents, let alone unpleasant grandparents.

I wanted to cut contact with my grandma at 13 but wasn’t allowed. Instead it built up years of unhappiness and resentment. I did end up cutting contact completely when I was 18, which I didn’t regret in the slightest and was much happier.

Do you mean cut contact altogether or just not have overnight stays with her grandmother?

My mum was very keen for my dc to go and visit for a few days in the school hols but then after one stay they said no more, for various reasons. They were 11 and 9 then. I just said they were busy with other things after that.

They still see her though, only for a few hours at any time at family gatherings.

She can threaten to take you to court, she can even get a solicitor to send you a letter threatening it, but she has no rights to see your child, and at the age your daughter is, her wish not to see the mad old bat woman would be respected.
I'm guessing she must live fairly near to you and you are a bit scared of her, and that's why you haven't told her to sling her hook a long time ago. Could she actually make your life miserable if you and DD stopped seeing her altogether? Or do you think you could act like it didn't bother you?

At 12 she's old enough to know what she wants. You must back her up.
The courts won't enforce grandparents visitation, especially when the kid doesn't want it.

"My daughter says she feels uncomfortable with her grandmother because of her behavior and personality really... Grandma invites over the other grandchildren who are considerably younger so my daughter feels lost In the crowd or even like she babysitting. She always comes back hungry, when she used to sleepover she was sleep deprived because grandma would let her stay up all night even from a toddler and basically my daughter would say there wasn’t anything great about the visit."

This is an appalling OP. Why have you allowed this to happen to your daughter. All this time you knew what was happening to her and you didn't protect her.

If your DD is 12, she would be 13 by the time this got to court (if it did) and her wishes would be taken into account. Just say you've passed on the invitation but your DD doesn't want to go. The end.