Dating boundaries

[kikkerje]

curious to hear others’ thoughts. My DD is almost 14 and has started dating. Seems young to me but most of her friends have boyfriends. I’m confused over where to set the boundaries. Her friends’ parents are very relaxed so she’s pushing back on me hard as she doesn’t understand why I’m (eg) not wanting her to spend time at his house. We’ve talked
about relationships and she insists I can trust her, but i know she’s easily influenced. I want to make sure she’s safe (and has teenage fun!) but don’t want to drive things underground. Any advice?
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How old are her dates?

They’re 14 - one year above at school.

My DD had a boyfriend at 13 but it wasn't what I hoped it wasn't. The two of them had agreed to spend most of their time together and made a declaration about this at school. They did a lot of whispered talking at our house, spent time at his, and went to a barn dance at his church. Could the same be the with your DD?

This boy was succeeded by another when she was 14/15. At this point, on the odd occasion they were left alone in our house, I made a joke about the age of consent and said I would phone the police if I found out that anything illegal had taken place. I also insisted there bedroom door be kept open when they were at our house. To DD, I said that there was pressure to have sex but that waiting so the occasion was a memorable one better thing to do than just having sex for because you could.

Very much centre of mind, though, was that really I couldn't control whether they had sex or not. (They didn't.) So PP's 'don't allow her to have sex' is not good advice IMO. (At 16, with boyfriend 3, DD did.)

The 'your house, your rules' is worth implanting at this early stage.

Firstly I would talk about the legal age to be able to have sex. I would talk to her about repeated enthusiastic consent. Don't buy the bullshit of we won't be doing anything because grown adults get "carried away" and the teen years are heady as hell. Any grabbing of her hand and putting it on his groin is not consent, otherwise she would put it there willingly.

Talk about contraception especially condoms that also protect from some STIs. I would also talk about period tracking, pregnancy and how she would need to test for pregnancy. Would she come to you if she thought she might be pregnant? I would talk to her about the options if she does become pregnant and the difference between medical and surgical abortion and the number of weeks pregnant for each option and how they date a pregnancy ie before you have actually ovulated.

I would talk about not sharing photos as anything under 18 is illegal and could see either of them on the sex offenders register. That if she chooses to do this that he could show it or send it to anyone. Also he could tell everyone in detail what they do together. Look, he might be absolutely lovely but he might also be a typical teen boy. I remember a boy I knew asking everyone to smell his face having just performed oral sex on his girlfriend, this was his way of proving it, he was 14 as was she. Sad, but true.

I would also tell her there are many things she can do that are not sex but feel good. Her body is not his personal playground to get satisfaction from. She is a person with feelings with wants and needs too. No means absolutely no and she can stop anything at any time.

I would invite him round for dinner, get to know him, talk to him. They stay downstairs, they are not unsupervised, she is 13 as we speak. In my child's school a girl was pregnant at 15 and the Dad was 14. It happens way more than you think. She kept the baby. Play adult games, get adult responsibility.

There is a belief that we are not mature enough to deal with the feelings and potential fall out of dating below the age of 16. That there should be dating in groups rather than 2 people on their own.

She’s 13?
bloody hell set some boundaries!

Oh for goodness sake.. This is an AI feed confection. 13 year olds are really not this sexualised. It's internet fantasy and please don't feed the algorithm

I started dating at 13, it was so innocent back then though. A peck on the lips was the wildest thing, holding hands was massive. "Dates" were walks in the park or in town with parents somewhere nearby...

Wouldn't trust it being that innocent these days, after hearing stories from my teacher friends. Especially with smartphones and the internet involved.

Personally for me, it depends on how much I trust my kid, but I likely wouldn't allow time alone inside his house at that age. They can meet outside and spend time together, with you not too far away together. Or come round yours, but not to go off alone into bedrooms etc.

I'd also be having a huge talk about camera and photos.. most of the nasty stuff I heard from teachers involved young students being pressured into sending pictures which were then regretted after the inevitable breakup, and the boys sharing them around.