16 year old with awful attitude

[chickencuddles]

Any tips would be welcome... 16 year old son, did well (but not up to school's predictions) in his gcses, but was a mammoth family effort to get him through them.
Now, 4 weeks into A levels and have received emails from teachers to say he is disengaged, sloppy homework, poor attitude (in what we understand are his 3 'favourite' subjects). We've taken away his PC and said we will ask for updated reports before half term, with a view to him having it back if he can get back on track. (Having said that, his test results are high, the teachers are more worried about engagement and homework standards.)
He just doesn't seem to care, or understand the consequences of not trying at school. He is lazy, complacent and arrogant, and thinks that everyone else is the problem, not his attitude. as parents we have modelled the value of working hard in life to him.
He is probably able to get A*s, too early to say what he is on track for at this time, but that's not really the point. I guess the point is that he is falling well short of what he is capable of. Nothing we say at home inspires him to try harder or apply himself! He is at an excellent school, but even with the most supportive teachers and parents, if he isn't self motivated, he will fail at some point.
I guess my question is, do we just say, right son it's over to you now, we've done all we can to encourage you and you've not listen to a fucking word of it because you know best, or is there something more useful that we can say/do? I can't go through the next 2 years like this, with school chasing us about poor homework, lack of engagement etc, and if all the pushing comes from us, he will end up at a university and fail immediately because he doesn't know how to push himself! I'm honestly baffled at how a clever kid can be so stupid. I have a psychology post grad degree, so I know his brain isn't properly developed yet, but all his friends seem to be engaged and managing well, even with their 16 year old brains. Any advice would be very welcome! If anyone has been through anything similar I would love to hear what the secret to getting through this stage is.

Why would you take his PC off him? How's he meant to do his work?

I have every sympathy for you and both had teenagers myself and taught A levels so I understand what they're like, but honestly when you say it's harder for kids nowadays I really think you're imagining things.

He has absolutely everything he needs and wants. He has too much and he's disgruntled about it all. You're paying a fortune for him to do virtually nothing at school. He doesn't need to have a part-time job. Look around his room and think of all the things he's wanted that you've provided.

Honestly, I'd start by telling him I was not going to go to work in order to pay for an expensive education that he was going to waste. If he didn't pull his socks up by half term then I'd be ready to pull him out. He could then go and get an apprenticeship or a job in a shop or anything, but he wouldn't be able to sit around doing nothing.

You're doing him no favours by spoiling him. "Spoiling" someone isn't just an expression - it means ruining someone, making them worse.

I'm struck by how he has a "spoilt" life. It is likely that he has not had a lot of "cause and effect" experience to help him realise why he needs to work.

Let's face it, while it is great to work for intrinsic rewards, many of us work for a huge extrinsic one, our pay/salary. It is the knowledge of what not working would do to our living standards that helps us stay motivated to turn up to work on time, do a good job etc

You might think about this type of approach maybe.

Add up the things you spend on him that are not essentials ( eg expensive tech, phone contract, expensive label clothes) and see if you can come up with some type of system where he earns these things in exchange for taking study seriously- maybe connected with marks/ visible effort put into study/ good reports on engagement from teachers. At a private school you may well be able to request teacher(s) giving you some kind of regular update report.

Then I would explain to him that you feel you have let him down when he was younger by not allowing him to experience more of the consequences of his choices. He clearly still believes that he can do whatever he wants without unpleasant knock on effects and you are concerned that if he continues in that attitude then he will have some nasty shocks in his adult life that you don't want him to have to experience. Therefore you are introducing an "earn the treats/expensive things in life" system. Say that it isn't punishment but a structure to help him . Say that you/other family member are still willing to help him study but he needs to be responsible for asking and arranging a time.

I would imagine the school would not want to keep a student on that would bring down their results.

Certainly my private school asked students to drop an a level if this were the case which obviously will restrict his choice of university if he goes down this route.

Can you work in conjunction with the school to explain this to him? I feel like if a senior teacher explains this to him, he may take it more seriously than a parent “nagging”.

Has he visited any unis yet or thought about courses? Having a particular aim was motivating to mine.

Does he want to do A levels? He doesn’t seem interested or inspired by the A levels. He should be doing something that motivates him personally, whatever that is. In your shoes I’d get him to an independent professional careers advisor and let them work out a future career and then the different routes to that career - apprenticeships, A levels or whatever.

It might be that traditional classroom study is not a good fit for him, he might prefer something a bit more grown up? An apprenticeship in which he can earn and gain qualifications?

This is what I would suggest.
Rein in both the punishments and also the spoiling. He needs to appreciate that good things in life won't always fall in his lap with no effort.

I say back off a bit and let him figure it out. If he is passing assignments and not being rude to staff, I'm not sure why they are calling to be honest.

I possibly could have got A stars (edit.. the asterisk just made everything italic!) at school, but didn't. I got Bs and Cs because I knew I'd pass and didn't bother revising or putting much effort into coursework.
I thought I wanted to do A Levels, but then I hated it (sixth form, full of promises about it being very different to shool but it just wasn't!). I dropped out and did an industry specific course that was "A level equivalent" in college instead, and then started working. None of that would have been different if I had As and A star.
(I did then do a degree later, when I saw the value of it for myself rather than it just being the done thing)

Thanks again for all the advice. I took him out earlier for brunch and we had a really good chat. I said he's got 2 weeks of us stepping back and letting him manage himself, before half term, when they get a short report. Depending on how that looks, we will then decide what to do next. He says he definitely is enjoying his A level subjects, but doesn't get why he needs to do 'extra' work if he is already doing well, which his test results seem to confirm. I suggested he could ask his teachers to explain why this might be helpful. He doesn't want to go to uni, but he does want to try for an apprenticeship. He seems keen to get into the workplace, and I'm happy to support this. I said good A levels are probably the best way to get onto a decent apprenticeship, backed up witb some relevant work experience. He's going to ask next week at school about what steps to take. We talked about money, and what he thinks he needs 'loads' of money for, and he seemed to realise that he doesn't need as much as he thinks, as he's not into flashy stuff. All his tech is second hand, which he is fine about, and he says he just wants a normal house, and was perhaps overestimating what these would cost. He doesn't spent money on much and isn't bothered about labels etc, which is a positive. He said he thought people would respect him more if he was wealthy. I said perhaps some people would, but personality is much more important. We talked about his friends and why he likes them, and it was all about their personalities and interests.
He's got the PC back, as I said it was a snap decision. He's currently practising some coding and has asked if we can look at apprenticeships and how to approach applying for them later on today. It seems really positive and he is being lovely. I think he feels like I really listened to him. However it's only been 2 hours since our chat 😂 but I remain hopeful.

To add, I think the 'attitude' is a lot of bluster and bravado. That still need a lot of unpicking. Maybe by someone at school. He told me who he respects most at school who is the one teacher he wouldn't want to disappoint, so I may chat to them or point the head of year in her direction.

This sounds brilliant, well done. I think the "do some work" message can be difficult for people who find things easy but there is always a point where it is suddenly difficult and then their world comes crashing down because their self esteem etc is so clearly tied to being clever rather than working hard. I'm sure this will turn out to be a series of conversations rather than just one, but sounds like you have both taken the first step and you've handled it really well.

Fantastic update op. Well done.

It sounds very familiar. A lot of bright teens go through this stage where they think they know best and don’t see the point of effort. You’ve done your part with support and structure, now it may be a case of letting him experience the consequences. Sometimes the wake-up call only comes when they realize grades and opportunities really are affected. Keep the communication open, encourage him when he makes the right choices, but don’t carry all the stress yourself – it has to come from him.

As an employer, a person who gets a 6 in their GCSEs on their own is a far better employee than one who got a 9 with his mum sat next to him.

I am not a fan at all of helicopter parenting, I don’t think it does any good.

as difficult as it would have been, the time for him to ‘fail’ would have been his GCSEs. He would still have got enough to get him to alevels but also with a kick up the arse. Now your choice is alevels or degree.

you can’t force anyone to do anything over about 15. They have to want to do it themselves.

absolutely yes to stepping back.

I think you have taken the right approach. A collegiate work with them / respect their views one. Ignore the ridiculous “take away his pc” nutters they clearly have no children or their eldest is 3.