University problems

[Mumbun73]

Son is living in at university, close to home. He has struggled with friendships in the past, found high school difficult and in particular sixth form. He worked hard to get the grades to get his place, so all looked promising.

He was excited about university as wanted a fresh start. Freshers went pretty well, lots of nights out, until he became unwell and came home for a few days to recuperate.

When the time came to go back, he was in bits. Didn’t want to go. We spoke a lot with him, explained it’s on been freshers week, not how it will be once lectures start etc. He reluctantly went with a lot of encouragement but was very upset.

He has joined a couple of societies, is on good terms with flatmates etc but he just seems to have lost his spark a bit and gone into himself.

Anyone got any words of wisdom? I’ve been awake most of the night worrying.

As he’s struggled through high school and sixth firm, I suppose it’s not unreasonable to happen at uni too.
I wonder if it’s not gone as well as he’s been saying, and now the truth is coming out.
Uni isn’t for everyone, and living in doesn’t suit everyone. I’d suggest he tries to give it until Christmas and see if commuting might suit him better.
I had one who gave up Uni, it just wasn’t their thing.

Give it time, I think living out is a great way for him to grow and become more independent, I wouldn't suggest commuting to him, unless he does, resilience is a good thing to practice. Also tell him having a good number of 3-6 good friends is better than having 30 bad or not very close friends.

He needs to go to society events, and ant residential life events - those will be in his accommodation building, and are often free, good way to meet people in other flats. It's also good to meet people in other accommodation buildings, as they are open to everyone even in a different building.

Also university is somewhat being on your own a lot, in between lectures and seminars, studying, reading, yes hanging out with flatmates and going to society and residential life events but it's more being 'alone' (not necessarily lonely) than we think. It's good for him to get comfortable with that, there's nothing wrong spending time on your own, and integrating that with being social as well.

He also should be instigating events, ask people do you want to do x, whether that's the theatre (good cheap tickets for students), cinema, going for dinner with flatmates, or asking other people if they want to go to go to the residential events, so his other flatmates etc. Also be comfortable going to society socials and residential events on his own, he'll meet people there, get him to look online for good questions to ask people and interesting questions etc to get to know people.

Don't worry to much, let him grow, which sometimes means you pulling back, he has to adapt and it will take time but that doesn't mean he should just withdraw.

Thank you both. I expected it to be hard but not quite as hard as it had been! I suspect being unwell has not helped the situation.

You have my sympathy. My dd is also struggling at the moment. She was upset last night saying she hasn't made any friends- she only got there on Sunday. I think she's just really disappointed with her housemates as they are not on the same wavelength at all and two are actually quite hostile. I won't go into details. But she's sad about her flat situation. It's so hard when they are so far away and struggling.

Feel for you, it’s awful. Once she starts lectures she will hopefully meet some people who have similar interests. My son had his first full lecture today and wasn’t blown away but did meet a boy he’d met on the induction and go for lunch with him afterwards.

Yes, it takes time. I keep telling her this. But I'm so worried about her. She's a gentle, sensitive soul and it breaks my heart to think she's so sad.

My Dd is now in her final year, she had a similar time to your dc in high school.

She moved to uni and I remember 2 years ago talking about how she doesn’t gel with her flatmates.

Now she’s living with the same girls and they’re the greatest of friends along with a few others they’ve gained along the way.

It’s something you have to give time to discover friends. My Dd uni city has made her and she knows she can come back anytime as we’re only 90 minutes away. So either she’s back or we’re up for a visit.