Advise needed please!

[Stressedoutlittleme]

Well this is my first time posting and it could be a long one. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone that I know without being judged. My partner and I see things completely differently and I don’t know where else to turn.

my 13 yo son from my previous relationship has always been a struggle, he has a terrible attitude, lack of respect for others, has been aggressive towards his sister and to be honest just a bit of a pain in the backside. It has always been a hard discussion point for my partner and I (his stepdad) because being his mum I stick up for him when maybe I shouldn’t and don’t see things the same as my partner.

A little while ago my daugther (his sister, also from previous relationship) made a confession to me that my son had been inappropriately touching her and showing her his bits (absolutely awful I know). We sent him to live with his dad whilst we got ur head around things. Social services were involved and decided that we were doing all the right things so closed the case. I got my son a private psychologist and he has been attending for 9
months now.
My problem is that my partner won’t have anything to do with him, won’t let him in his house, won’t see him very often and won’t let him around our own son. My son’s father who he lives with now isn’t the best of dads in my opinion and isn’t the role model that he needs. He has gone on holiday twice this year and not taken him with him.

Now my partner wants to book a family holiday but not take my son with us and although he has done the most awful things and caused so many issues with his attitude etc I just don’t feel as though I can leave him out especially as his dad doesn’t take him with him.
It causes so many arguments between me and my partner now that I fear it’s going to ruin our relationship and consequentially have a knock on effect on both my daughter and our son together.

I sometimes feel like the stress from this is going to cause me a breakdown, I am on anti depressants already and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I am in a waiting room for my life to go back to normal and every now and then I get a day out but then I end up back there. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place because I feel like I am doing wrong by my son but by doing right by him I will be doing wrong by my other children.

Please be kind.

Way way above my pay grade

I have no real advice but this must be an awful situation. Have both your children received therapy? When did you notice any change in your son’s behaviour? Is there any chance that he has been the victim of abuse? For your other children’s sake, I wouldn’t take your son on your holiday. Could you take him for a short break on his own?

So your son has sexually abused his sister??
I wouldn’t trust him on holiday with other children either.
This is all such a mess and I understand that you desperately want this to just all be fixed and your family back together but the reality is that protecting your daughter has to be the number one priority. I highly doubt social services would approve of him being taken away on holiday with the little girl he’s abused. This happens less than a year ago. He needs some serious therapy and to show genuine remorse and changes in attitude to be trusted again. Does he have any contact with his siblings?

Hi both, thank you for your replies. We have been through the motions of has he been abused etc and that doesn’t seem to be the case. We have asked him out right and gone through the thought process of how and where etc and can’t see that has.
His behaviour changed when his dad and I split up. He has been having therapy.. as I said I have been paying for a psychologist for him.
He has very little contact with his sister only when I take her to see him but none with my other child. He definitely knows that what he did as wrong and was only young himself at the time so as much as he needs to show remorse, respect etc I always don’t feel
like completely excluding him from the family is the right thing way to go either.

And what does his sister feel about it all?

I don't believe your life will ever go back to the normal you say you had, it just can't. How does your DD feel about being taken to see her brother who sexually abused her? I agree with fruit this is way above the average person's pay grade.

I would be guided by your DD's wishes and any professionals with experience in the area of sibling sexual abuse. I know your son is seeing a private psychologist has your DD also been able to see one? You said your son was young and I am not sure if you are minimising what he did.

I think you need to talk to social services again or NSPCC about how this will look moving forward.

How historic is the sibling sexual abuse? How old were they both at the time it occurred? How long did it go on for?
What qualifications does his private psychologist have? What therapy and support has your daughter had? What parent work have you had? You don't mention any CAMHS involvement, are you on a waiting list?

On the face of it, you should not expose your other two children to the risk your 1st son poses. And your partner's attitude is appropriate to safeguard his biological son and his step daughter.

I think you need more professional help to find a way forward as a family together or separately as appropriate.