17yo daughter - treating the house like a hotel

[GoingOutOutAgain]

I’m Not sure whether this is really an issue so just thought I’d gather other people’s thoughts.

DD is well loved, no drama, no shouting /arguing or huffing.

she’s in year 13 at college doing well. Passed her driving test and bought her own car. Has a part time job where she earns good money and is doing well (offered extra shifts etc)

so… her room is a tip. It smells. She keeps very odd hours - goes out with friends and sleeps on her days off so never gets round to tidying. She doesn’t see the mess - I will gather plates/empty the bin but try and leave her to it.

I hate it though. It’s really unhygienic and imho pretty immature. Last year I said she could sort her own laundry out rather than me flapping on about it. But then it was just disruptive as she’d try and do a weeks worth of laundry in one day - not be here to hang it out, deal with the ‘turnaround’ so she said she’d keep her room clean if I did her laundry again. I kept up my end of the bargain but she didn’t.

ok so I don’t want to waffle on more. I swing between ‘meh she’ll grow out of it’ to ‘ewww this is gross and disrespectful’

anyone have any thoughts?

Other than this, it sounds like she’s lovely and working hard and doing well, so I’d keep that in mind. This is a small thing in the grand scheme of life. If she didn’t keep up her side of the bargain, then don’t keep yours. But communicate it calmly. It might be obvious to us, but does she know the logistics of washing? When you don’t do it day in day out, you don’t really think of it and I imagine I’d act the same at that age and try and do a weeks worth in one hit. Maybe she could have a day a week where the machine is all hers and give her the run down on the best way to handle and clean/dry different types of clothes.
my daughter is similar with her room, and so was my sibling growing up! All I can gather is, they feel comfortable and happy in the environment, and it’s theirs, and almost sacred to them. I try and talk about rational stuff, we live near forests so get carpet beetles a lot, so just reminders that stuff needs to be kept on top of so things they love don’t get ruined. In short, I wouldn’t present as annoyed over this. Treat her like an adult, make sure she’s got the info, and leave her to it.

Thank you that’s really helpful.

yes to calm communication - ironically she definitely does know about cleanliness as she does it in her job (carer) and at work she will clean really nasty toilets/manage soiled laundry 😮

last year I was honest with her and said we literally have one laundry program that gets used for all clothing and one for towels & sheets. I think it’s just not a priority for her?

I think maybe this is a ‘me problem’

You don’t need to take over her laundry completely - eg put a wash in at a good time for you, then hand it over for her to hang out, and when it’s dry ask her to put it away. And get her to help with the other household laundry jobs when you and DH are doing them.

With the room, I think I’d just stand over her till she gets on and improves it a bit. Probably once a month.

I mean, with laundry you just take her stuff out of the washing machine and set it aside in her room for her to sort out. If she leaves it and it stinks then she’ll learn that she won’t have clean clothes unless she keeps on top of it. You need to prepare her for when she moves out if she’s going to uni.

Her room does sound grim but it’s quite typical for her age. Leave her to it. As parents we can’t save our children from everything, and at 17 she doesn’t need guidance on how to keep her room hygienic- she knows.

She seems like a lovely, responsible and mature girl. It just sounds like you need to keep having conversations with her regarding your expectations. The rest is down to her choice.

Thank you

I agree that she’s going to have to manage without me soon.

slightly off topic but when I was her age I did not have so much ‘stuff’. I don’t think anyone did. There wasn’t as much available and I didn’t have the disposable income she has. It’s just so noticeable to have mounds of clothing - I swear I had a wash one/wear one jeans and jumper set up at her age 😀

Yes my daughter is a bit like this … she will leave plates in her room for ages - she does sometimes tidy it . It’s rare .

our only leverage is she asks for a lift one day a week, and sadly I won’t do it unless all the plates and rubbish are out of her room.

although really I’m just happy she’s going into college and working part time and she puts £100 of her wages away for a house deposit (by giving it to me so I know it’s definitely done ! )I have little to complain about really.

Doing laundry in one hit isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

it just isn’t the way you do it.

personally I’d buy her a load of Ikea bags for the laundry (wet or dry) a couple of airers and leave her to it.

her room is fairly standard for teens. Shit the door and ignore.

sounds like she’s a good kid in virtually all ways so if this is all you have to complain about be thankful.

oh I like the idea of the ikea bags.

yes - glad this is my only issue. Grateful to know it’s ‘normal’

Untidiness is just part of being a teenager surely? The thing i would pursue is leaving plates etc around. My kids are younger, but we have a no food upstairs rule. No one wants extra uninvited "pets"!

When my youngest lived here her room was an absolute tip, I used to have to nag for dishes but mostly left her to it and never went in it, if her clothes weren't washed that was on her she knew where the washing basket was,

I wouldn't go in it isnt as ungyenic as you think, nag her for dishes etc but apart from that it is her tip !

I solved this problem by telling my DD that if she hadn’t sorted out her stuff by weekend it would all be binned. This was after endless months of asking!
She didn’t sort it - I put it all in black bin bags (doubled up) and left it in the dustbin. She went ballistic but surprisingly never let her room get into such a state again. Now she’s ultra tidy as an adult in her own home.

Although I said I left her washing i did make sure she changed her bed especially in summer every week ! She used to climb over all her crap to do it 😀

Ooooh I think she might have read my mind (or this thread 😮)

she’s cleaned her room and asked me for a duster (I’m WFH). This is a great day for me!

ill talk to her at some point about chores etc later but for now ill take it. Oh and no we don’t have a duster but a microfibre cloth is now doing some heavy lifting in our house 💪🏻

Oh she is stalking you on mumsnet 😀

At 17 I was never allowed to get my room into a mess because I shared with a younger sister. It had to be at least tidy. However housework is usually very low priority with teems and young adults. They see it as boring and low skilled and will skirt around it as long as possible. Why not just close the door on it and let her get on with it.