How to connect when I'm chronically ill

[Nomorebounty]

Hi all
Bit of a complex one but I have a DD13 nearly 14 who needs me but unfortunately since March I have been seriously unwell, in and out of hospital and housebound. I can only tolerate being on my feet for 10 minutes at a time and it doesn't look like I'm going to get a solution anytime soon.

The thing is I'm really worried about my DD, this is a really important time for her and she needs her Mum 😔 I should be taking her out shopping, to get her nails done, for coffees, helping to build her confidence and connect with her. But I cant do any of those things and I dont want her to miss out because of me. She needs her hair cut and won't let her Dad take her because she wants to wait for me and is missing out on "girly" experiences because now my husband is responsible for everything which she finds hard as obviously there are things she doesn't want him to know about - bras, periods etc eventhough he is amazing and incredibly sensitive with her around those issues.

We dont have any relatives nearby who could help out.

I feel incredibly guilty and wondered if any of you had experiences you could share or ideas of ways I could connect because I struggle to think where I'm so unwell.

Any ideas gratefully received

Xxx

It’s good she’s got an involved dad, and she needs to understand that you can’t do everything with her right now. Maybe you could make a list of the things you could do with her, for example if you can’t go with her to have her hair cut, you could sit together in your bed with a hot chocolate and snacks and go through hairstyle ideas together? Then she can get it done with her dad and reveal it when she’s back.

I'm sorry op...that sounds tough for you, but you sound like a really caring mum and that will eclipse the challenges. How about a takeaway and movie night together? Is there anything you would enjoy watching with her...I have a teenage dd and we watch bake off together every week! What about having a mobile hairdresser or beautician/nail tech come over for a pamper session together?

There is lots of shopping that can be done online and then your dc can do a shopping haul and try on in your house ( dd does this a lot through choice)
I exchange a lot on instagram reels with my teenage dd, just stuff we find silly or funny mostly but again something virtual.
Depending on where you live you can get coffee, drinks, cookies delivered to your house for a snack and chat at home ( I think you can guess how I know this!)
There are also mobile hairdressers if you want to do that at home.
Good luck OP

Hi OP

I’m sorry you have been so unwell. You sound like a lovely mother to be so worried about your daughter.

I just want to give you the perspective of a daughter who had a mother in your position, and try and give you some reassurance. My mother was not well and often in bed during my childhood and adolescence. We did spend time together and are still close, despite not being able to do ‘normal’ mother-daughter things at that time.

We listened to audiobooks together (she was too tired to read), we played silly word games and some board games while she was in bed. Could you try an online challenge together, like duolingo or something like that where you both have to take part to earn a streak or points together?

As you can’t get out to the shops, could you do some online shopping with her, spending time to find items on different sites and talking about how they might look on her? My mother had some lovely female friends who took me out to get things like period pads etc and made me feel special - I know it’s not the same as your own mum but it was still good.

The haircut one is tricky but could you order non-permanent dye for her to try at home and you can sit in the bathroom with her while she does it? Or even order a nail kit so that you can do each others’ nails at home, or would she just like to do yours even if you’re not able to do hers?

I’m not sure as to your physical capabilities so apologies if these suggestions are not possible at this time. I hope you

Wishing you the best in your recovery x

Mobile hairdressers.
Mobile nail tech (although 13yo doesn't need nails done).
Coffee at home.
Spend time together in the way that works for you both, not what's you've seen online.

Also consider whether you could refer her to a young carers group for additional support and time she can spend with young people who have similar life experiences to her.

Also, can you look at borrowing or hiring a mobility scooter? It might open up your ability to leave the house if you could manage one?

@NomorebountyI have a DD the same age. Neither of us is that interested in shopping. Our most “bonding” moments are around binge watching and baking.

I’m sorry you’re in this position. My dd13 and I are very close and she loves hanging out with me. Yes she does love going out shopping but equally we spend time shopping online.
I think the most important thing you can do is just be there emotionally. I wfh (and mostly for myself) so I’m here when she gets in from school everyday and we sit down with a hot drink and she tells me about her day. I support her with homework. She helps me cook or bakes (you could sit and watch and just have a chat). If she’s not training we watch an episode of her fav series (currently the summer I turned pretty and life with the walter boys).

don’t be too hard on yourself. You sound like. Caring mum.

You can do almost all your bonding at home, in your living room.

I've never taken my DD to get her nails done because I don't get mine done and it never crossed either of our minds - she's a young adult and sometimes does her nails with her friend who has some kind of machine that sets the polish or something - I have no idea, and have birthed four babies and raised them to teen and adulthood without ever doing anything to my nails but cut them... If you and your daughter like getting your nails done though then of course you should - do it at home, either buy the stuff to do it yourself or get a mobile service.

Hairdressers - there are also mobile services or get a taxi or lift from DH to the door if you can sit there with her.

Bra shopping - as with the hairdresser, get driven to the door of a small independent shop where you can sit outside the changing room, or measure at home and order loads in sister sizes to try on with you at home.

I hope you feel better about this if not physically - you can absolutely still be everything she needs in a mother without being able to get about much. As long as you care and are cognitively okay you can bond and support her, especially as her dad is tgere for practical running around stuff.

Watch a series or a movie together
face masks / nails at home
order a takeaway and chat while eating
do you like any arty activities ? You could maybe do something like that ?

I totally understand as I’ve been unwell for a few months and have a dd and I’ve felt so guilty for not being the active mum I think she needs but there are definitely other ways to connect and bond. Above all keep talking ask her how she is, how her day was etc etc 🩷

I hope you are better soon

You sound like a lovely mum. And this is probably something you have considered. But could you hire a wheelchair ? My gran has been in one since she was 42 . And goes shopping and well all over the place. Granted some places are easier then others . And she uses taxis a lot .

Definitely refer to a young carers group, my child loves going both for a break and to be with peers who just get it. Staff took them shopping for winter clothes which really helps..
We found a mobile hairdresser.
We do carpet picnics and takeaway rather than going out
Watch a tv series together with hot chocolate & favourite treat....we are doing sewing bee & bake off, finished glow up etc
Cooking - as they like this we order ingredients and they cook whatever they choose...while i support from the sofa
Just being aware means you are getting it right 😊

You can connect just by talking about anything she wants to talk about.
For hair, as someone already said, sit and look together at different options online. Same with clothes, activities, anything.
I’ve had health issues for years, and DD sits at the end of the bed and we chat for hours. I can’t do activities but I can give her time, so that’s what I do.

I agree with @indoorplantqueen about bonding emotionally. I have 4 daughters now in their 20’s and I just didn’t enjoy clothes shopping/ nails/ etc so they were never seen as treats to bond over. Obviously we’d shop sometimes and sometimes they’d go with friends. However I was lucky enough to be there most days before and after school and that’s when I felt they needed a mum. Before school just to let them know someone cared and wished them a good day. After school they’d often come in and not want to talk, and would go to their rooms to decompress. I’d leave it half an hour or so and then try a breezy how was your day? Sometimes they’d talked then sometimes later in the evening. But letting them know I was there if they needed to talk and understood that being a teenager was hard to navigate was I think what they needed from me most not trips out, even if they are lovely bonuses. All grown now but all speak most days. I am really sorry you are unwell, and you will be carrying that concern as well as your concern for your daughter and family. Be kind to yourself and don’t think too hard about what you can’t do , the fact you’re worried about this let’s her know you love her, and that’s a good enough connection.

Thank you all for your lovely replies and for those who've shared experiences. I will definitely use them.

Unfortunately my condition involves my brain and means I need to lay down most of the time so going out and being upright aren't possible.

But I'm definitely going to look at adapting things at home. I just want to lessen the impact of what I'm going through on my DD as much as I can. She's used to having a Mum who is there for everything 😔