Is it really this hard raising teenagers?

[Mammalys]

I am struggling.. let me summarise:

13yo son : gross... doesn't shower for days, doesn't brush his teeth, always a fight for basic hygeine requests. Empty plates, cups and food wrappers everywhere in his room. Cleaning it took 3 days of nagging and sub standard efforts. Attitude, argumentative, always right

16yo step daughter: escalates over time to absolutely horrible. Competes against everyone including the dog for attention. Loud, squeaky wheel. Lies constantly. Throws tantrums and slams around the house. Hormonal like a yoyo- one minute extreme with excitement the next angry. In trouble at school regularly, lies lies lies...
Cries and fights us when requested to do basic jobs like the dishes.

18yo daughter: doesn't get out of bed unless it's to work at the pub about 3 to 4 shifts a week. Drags herself around looking depressed. Eats whenever and leaves the empty packets in the cupboards or fridge. Hardly contributes to chores. I charge her $100 a week board as she is not studying. I tried to help her enroll in courses and she quit before even started. She couldn't get a job so I asked a friend for a favour. She has no drive, no purpose, no want for anything more than this. I fear she'll never get anywhere in life.

Im so sick of this!!

Hiya OP,

Just a quick message to say that we have moved this thread to our Teenagers board as we believe you'll get more responses here!

Wishing you all the best

Some of them, yes.

mine were very tricky.

they are now young adults. It does pass.

it’s not easy though.

i used to deep clean their rooms twice a year, and yes they mostly were like that.
my son at the same age I had to go in the bathroom with him to supervise teeth cleaning. He used to go into the bathroom get naked and get dressed to pretend he’d had a shower.

I’d suggest backing off as far as you can.

the 18 year old will find her way. Make her light touch.

supervise teeth brushing for the 13 year old.

give yourself regular breaks.

No advice I’m afraid - I too am struggling with very similar issues. 16 yo DD also not brushing teeth, needs constant nagging re hair washing , no drive, depressed. Aggressive and rude no matter how supportive/understanding I am. Sending solidarity to you OP. It’s fucking fucking hard x

Keep consistent boundaries and make sure you always stand united with husband on decisions.
Try and remember itsnot personal and I know its easy to say but dont rise to the bait such as backchat etc.
Have consequences and follow them through every single time.
Remember all other places have rules and consequences such as school, college and work. Don't let home be any different

I hear you.

I have two teenagers and one older child, 2 are ND which brings many of its own challenges but nothing like you are describing.

They are respectful, generous, helpful and lovely most of the time but they also have every other human emotion out there at times too so it is quite the journey.

The level of input we have had to give along the way has been utterly exhausting at times.

We have both been leaders to facilitate multiple of their hobbies and activities to invest in relationships with them and learn more about them as people, we have done loads and loads of parenting courses for the ASD because we know nothing about it, we have read libraries of books and have umpteen conversations about challenges they are experiencing in their day to day that we would rather be in bed asleep for. We both wrk full time so it is an awful lot of work.

I think that is what I have found most difficult about raising children particularly teens is the sheer level of input they require to help them learn, grow and regulate.

Really good consistent routines and boundaries clarifies expectations and mostly that we work together as a team to get through to them. It is a lot of hard work.

Reading this is a very powerful contraceptive for those thinking about whether to have children!
What were these children like before they became teenagers? Were they delightful children who changed for the worse when they hit thirteen?
What was discipline like, were boundaries set, were there consequences for bad behaviour? Doesn’t seem so as they’re all equally horrible!
When my two were teenagers we had moods, rudeness at times, but nothing like the nightmare OP has. There’s no way I’d put up with this behaviour, and I wouldn’t stand back and wait for it to pass.

I would say they are all old enough not to be told what is expected of them. If your DS wants to be like that it's up to him he's the one that has to live with his room just shut the door leave him to it. If he won't bring cups and plates down just threaten to go and get them he will soon change his mind when he doesn't want you going in there.
I wouldn't let this get to me.

Why are they being allowed to eat meals in their rooms if they can’t clean up after themselves? It’s ridiculous that they’re allowed to turn their rooms into dustbins without consequences. It’s selfish, entitled behaviour, not a rite of passage. The son who doesn’t wash- no doubt has supplies of clean clothes supplied by parents? The daughter who screams for attention- is allowed to get away without doing chores? The 18 year old who won’t get out of bed- who indulges her? There is teenage rebellion behaviour which hope fully doesn’t last long , but these three are something else! I pity you, OP. Perhaps you could get them together and issue some harsh ultimatums. No more mollycoddling, no financial support etc. Maybe one day they’ll turn into wonderful human beings, but in the meantime I think I’d have a very long holiday!

Mentally disordered or mollycoddled, selfish, entitled and lazy ? Hmmmm….

Pub and dollars...? Are you in the US or UK?

We're in australia.

Thanks for the few that passed unsolicited judgement on our parenting! How many of you have teenagers..?

The 16 yo stepdaughter has lived with us full time for 1 year. She has a bit of a sad backstory with her mother actively keeping her from us. She is one of 6 siblings to 3 different fathers. She is my partners only child. Her mother booked a same day flight and put her on a plane, messaging my partner that she would be at our house that evening to live. We were shocked.. turns out that there was question of her step father SA her.

My children.. their only trauma was me leaving their dad when they were 10 and 5yo. We remain on amicable terms with 50/50 care. They've had everything they need in life but have not been spoilt - i don't give them things without making sure they work for it. My 18yo bought her own car - she worked at kmart from age 14.

There are consequences. We do pull them up on things. It just doesn't seem to work - they literally don't care. It's a revolving door of them complaining and us complaining.

I can't wait til retirement age :)

I really wanted to commiserate with other parents who have the same pain, not compare to the halo's of the perfect parents out there.

I hear you op. I have a 19 year old very similar to your eldest. It's utterly exhausting. And soul destroying and desperately sad when I look back at the loving, sweet, kind and helpful child they once were. I thought we'd done a pretty decent job of parenting - oh how I laugh now! Parents with lovely helpful engaged children who are doing amazing things with their lives - this is NOT the thread for you however well meaning your advice.

I'm 51 and counting down the years until DC leave home and we can retire in peace.