Struggling to adjust to 17 yo Daughter growing up - need to know I’m not alone!

[OneOliveMentor]

Hello,

I literally never post on forums but I’m struggling and just need to know I’m not alone / going completely mad in peri-menopause!

I have a wonderful daughter (I also have a wonderful 16 y o son) - we’ve always been really close, have a lot of fun together, I think I’ve always struck the balance right between being a proper mum who offers love, support and guidance and us just getting along, hanging out together, shopping, chatting, singing in the car etc. until recently we’ve sailed through the teenage years pretty much. I’m pretty chilled as a mum to a certain degree, have let them learn to self-regulate as teens with bedtimes, phone time, given them freedom, let them have friends round whenever they like but expect kindness and honesty in return. This has all gone pretty well up to about the last 6 months.

My daughter was really badly bullied for a couple of years aged 12-14 and has had a some self-esteem and anxiety issues because of this through her teenage years though mostly in a good place now - but I had to support her through this and all the fall out and she’s needed a lot of emotional support until fairly recently. For this reason I think I have been more involved in her life than other mums are perhaps in their teenage daughters lives - and I guess I’ve got into the habit of 1/ being involved and 2/ protecting her and looking out for her.

the recent issues I think stem from her now maturing, needing me less and me not adjusting well to this. She has a boyfriend of 2 years, it’s a lovely relationship, we like him a lot but I do find myself watching out for any signs of him not treating her ‘perfectly’ and for probably the reasons I’ve mentioned before when I spot anything (even little things like him making a decision without consulting her or not carrying a heavy bag for her) it really bothers me - even though I know he’s generally really good to her and just a normal 18 year old boy - it’s like I’m hyper aware to her being mistreated because of her past.

throw then into the mix the fact he has quite rigid controlling parents who expect him/ them to be at their house a lot and also that early on in their relationship his mother wasn’t nice at all to my daughter and caused her a lot of upset and stress (they are good now) - and I think I have some jealousy issues around her being at their house a lot - I think tied into my dislike of his mum (due to her treatment early on of my daughter) and also the fact that they are there because her boyfriend wants to be because otherwise they give him a hard time (I don’t like to think she just lets him make all the decisions - which she says he doesn’t).

I’ve found myself sometimes being difficult if they are going round there again. Getting upset and guilt tripping my daughter. Which then causes us to argue and it is affecting our relationship. I really don’t want to feel like this or act like this but I’m struggling to deal with her growing up and detaching herself from me - and having to let go. I know this is a normal part of life and I need to adjust but I just wondered if anyone could offer any kind advice on how to do this? Or anyone who has felt the same? I know it’s my issue but am I a controlling mum or just a loving mum struggling to adjust?

Actually I'd have felt the same at that age. It was just a couple of months ago when my DD said she was going home (to her flat at uni) that I realised she's pretty much moved out and it came as a bit of a shock.
I do think you (we) need to be the adult here and I think you know, guilt tripping your DD will not help. At that age, it's so important to keep the lines of communication open and that means mostly listening. Encourage her to make her own mind up about what she wants and support her to learn to protect herself. I think you can also impress on your DD that you're happy to be her anchor and you'll always be there for her.

She's 17. By that point I would expect her to decide where to spend her evenings, and as long as college work is getting done, and there are no issues ie. she isn't being pressurised, let her get on with it.

She could move out tomorrow and not have to see you at all, so you do need to let her make her own choices and try to resolve any issues herself.

Make sure she knows she and her boyfriend are always welcome, that her home is always there for her. Explain that she is a valued member of your family, for you and your ds, and that you would prefer to see her, with or without boyfriend, at least one or two evenings a week.

Then step back a little & see what happens.

I think counselling would help. You are too enmeshed in her life. You sound like a fab mum and I do understand how you feel! But it’s all just a bit intense and you need some help to figure it all out I think.

Thank you x

Thank you. Yes I do agree xx I’m going to look into it xx

Thank you, just for someone to saw they would have felt the same has helped :) you are absolutely right, I need to be the adult x

I agree great advice thank you x

My daughter is only 9 so I read this thread trying to prep for the future.

The fact that you've got through ages 12, 13, 14 and 15 with a close relationship with your daughter - means you've done really well. This is a successful outcome.

Lots of threads on this website from parents struggling to maintain a friendly relationship with their kids from age 12 upwards.

So you should pat yourself on the back 👏🏼

Looking forward, she's on the path to adulthood. She's going to go out into the world and have all the ups and downs of life.

You need to position yourself as the person she wants to tell when something positive happens, the person she wants to celebrate with. And also as the person she wants to come to for comfort when things don't go well. She may live somewhere else, but when she needs comfort and TLC you can still be the person she runs to.

This means adjusting your behaviour to respectful warmth and care. Don't nag her, don't guilt trip her and don't be overbearing. Treat her like you'd expect any close friend to treat you. But also cook her amazing food and treat her.

Food can be an amazing way to stay in someone's memories. I make sure that the best hot chocolate my kids have ever had is the one I make. That means whenever they have a hot chocolate somewhere else they'll be reminded of me.

Happy to have found this thread, I m going through similar feelings and adjustment with my DS1 and to a lesser extent DS2 (17&16).

I ve always joked they are my little princes and sign off WhatsApp messages with 💙💙. They are both detaching from me and seeking greater independence. Combined with becoming more body conscious and wanting to muscle up and meet girls.

I agree about providing comforting food and a safe place.

I'm also perimenopausal and separated. I only ever casually dated since splitting with dad, never considered introducing anyone new. It's only now 12 years later, that I m starting to feel a bit lost. I m 46, feel youthful, I don't want to rock the boat but I m marginally bored. I m on the cusp of getting them to adulthood, I thought I ld be delighted to have more freedom, but it's like there is no one to enjoy it with.

I think you do sound too enmeshed with your DD, and too much like you want to still parent a child. But, I give you huge props for realising it and wanting to do something about it, rather than continue on as you are and push your daughter away. Recognising it is a huge thing. Too many of us have mothers that still want to control well into adulthood.

A useful thing I once heard at a parenting teens forum was, when your child is young you are their manager, deciding everything for them, but as they grow up, they sack you as the manager, as they become their own manager. And at this point you hope that you have a good enough relationship that you become a consultant they listen to.

At this age, it’s feels like the invigilator called “times up, pencils down” when you thought you had at least another hour for this exam.

Especially if you have a dc that’s socially or emotionally delayed. You know they need a bit more guidance and scaffolding, but you hit a point where all of a sudden the parameters change. One day you’re the wisest person they know, the next you’re completely irrelevant. Today it’s responsible safeguarding, tomorrow it’s overbearing and controlling.

And it’s so black and white from their side because they’re as wise and grown up as they can ever imagine themselves being.

I think late teens to early adulthood is one of the most difficult stages of parenting to get right, but all the experts are busy writing books to sell to the shell shocked, sleep deprived new parents, so there’s no guidance or advice.

Totally agree with this. My DC have been okay so far through teen years and I know I am lucky. I really struggle with my 22 yo though. To all intents and purposes an adult, but still not a fully developed brain, and sometimes want to shake him. But try to remain not overbearing, so that he will still listen to me sometimes.

Completely agree with this. The transition from childhood to adulthood from a parents perspective is really tricky.

and @OneOliveMentor I hear you about the guilt tripping. I did it once by mistake, realised I sounded like my mum and vowed never to do it again, no matter how hurt I was.

I also apologised to my DC for getting it wrong - although I'm not entirely sure they know what I was on about! 😁

the invigilator saying times up is a moving analogy!

OP I have a younger girl who is autistic/ anxious - has needed lots of support/ scaffolding - I can absolutely imagine feeling like this.

I know from friends that it does often feel very sudden when you realise they are out of your hands/ your control.

But you have done your job! this is what parents are for - to support our children to not need us quite so much anymore (she will always need you really..)

I would be wary of assuming you know why she spends more time at his house - maybe better snacks/ comfier sofa/ less guilt tripping! It might not be his pressure at all. That's the sort of thing a teen might want you to believe.

So, better to take that deep breath and just focus on perhaps arranging special dinners/ having her around when she wants to be - and next step is focusing on you and what you want to do with your life.

Itr's HARD parenting a child with MH difficulties or - who has more needs than the average teen - pat yourself on the back that she is here, able to make these decisions freely ..