18 year old son

[lillmizzk]

My DS has been dating a girl for just over 3 years now. They met young at 14/15. She is very unusually quiet and shy. She barely talks to me. Can just about look you in the eye. She is very needy, is always crying about something. At school, if my son is not with her at break/lunch times, she is all alone. Some parents have told me that their sons have told them that my DS is with her constantly and that he’s dropped all the boys. She also seems to come from a very quiet shy family too. I have seen my son go from a very sociable, fun loving boy, with good friendships, to now very withdrawn, quiet, and has dropped all his male friendships, he now hangs about with her friends. It’s all very odd. I don’t recognise him anymore it’s very sad to see. She is italian, her dad is super super strict. Which means they have never had sex in that 3 years. He doesn’t want them to be alone together so when she comes to mine I have to supervise, at his wishes! And my son is going along with this! I really thought it wouldn’t last this long. She is not suited to him at all but he doesn’t seem to see this. I really don’t recognise him anymore.

It sounds like she’s controlling him through her emotions. Ie. If he’s not with her, or doing something she wants, she makes him feel bad. Maybe he feels he’s her only support. Ie. A knight in shining armour mentality, but unknowingly has got trapped into it.

Can you get him on his own and talk to him? Maybe have a mum and son trip out. Maybe not talk about her, but about his future plans. Uni? Etc. Stress that he could have a long distance relationship with her (and hope it breaks down).

I agree with the pp. My DS went through something similar at 16/17. Fortunately he got fed up of not being allowed to interact with friends and finished with her. The big mistake he then made was to give in to her pleading and emotional controlling so agreed to get back together, only for her to very publicly and rather nastily finish with him. He was adamant that she wasn’t saving face ( she was in the popular group and of course no one finishes with you if you are popular). It lead to an awful period, and coincided with my diagnosis with breast cancer.
DS didn’t want his friends at school knowing what he was going through, he didn’t want to appear to be manipulative. So had a lot of ghosting by friends when his emotions got the better of him. He later admitted that he hid himself away in one of the less frequented toilet blocks so he didn’t have to talk to people. He didn’t think he was good company and a little time out allowed him to process it all.
I will never forgive the young lady because she knew what he was going through. She did keep it to herself but then took advantage of it by bad mouthing him knowing he wouldn’t retaliate.
As a result he is much more cautious about women. He has no problem attracting them, but he has decided to wait until the right one comes along. He went back to his friendship group who are incredibly supportive and enjoys a very full social life.
I am relieved that he has done the first love thing and it was at a time when we could support him. He has had to support one or two friends through similar situations and is very patient with them.
I don’t think he will ever isolate himself again and can spot the signs of a controlling woman very quickly which is why I think he has been single for a while. It seems to be a thing with this generation that they “date” rather than become exclusive. It seems to be a mutual situation but I hope that the right one comes along.

I suspect that he is looking for someone like his DM who is fiercely independent and financially secure. Someone who isn’t needy or controlling. I’m not blowing my own trumpet but DH has always said that he loves me because I’m so low maintenance😂.

DS has actually been quite critical of me in the past when I am controlling with DH, but I think he understands why now. DH had a stroke around the same time I had breast cancer and was left with cognitive damage. It’s subtle and it has taken a while to identify which parts of life he struggles with. DS and I have a better understanding and know how to help DH. It does look very controlling from the outside but it’s more safeguarding than controlling. Simple things like planning to go out and timing, and managing appointments and money.

DS has helped out a lot but is sensitive and respectful so that DH doesn’t feel useless. He is a bit useless but it’s not his fault.

The first thing DS did when DH had his stroke was to concentrate on passing his driving test so that I wasn’t driving him everywhere.

He’s at uni now, but does ring for a chat regularly. I like the man he is growing into and I think his life experience has made him a better person but it was hell to go through it at times.

His bedroom needs a new door and we spent a week filling all the holes in his bedroom walls when we decorated his room during his gap year. Teenage boys don’t scream but they do like to throw things around and slam doors when it gets too much. That phase is over now, thank goodness and if you met him you wouldn’t believe he was capable of it.

yeah that doesn’t sound great.

Is he going to uni?

Id def be expressing some concerns if it were my ds…

Yes he wants uni, she has lately expressed a concern to him that he’s possible going away to uni, she can only go to a local uni as she hasn’t got the confidence to leave home. I’ve noticed he’s now looking at local unis too. Maybe because he knows she’s doesn’t want him to leave. It’s ridiculous. Where are her parents in this! Do they not know what’s going on. I feel this is all out of my hands

You need to stop supervising them at your home. They are of an age where they can make their own decisions. What she tells her parents is up to her. It's really tricky re the relationship as you risk driving him away of you are too open about your views. I would try and help him look at all uni options and talk about how he can still visit and see his girlfriend. If he gets away at uni a lot can change and usually does , I can see why you are worried about this as he's not himself.

I haven’t expressed my concerns over this to him at all. I’m observing from the sidelines. We have viewed unis local and away. At the end of the day, as I mentioned, there’s nothing I can do. He needs to make his own mistakes, but I know if other parents were watching this act out, they’d feel exactly the same as me. I’m watching him make these mistakes daily. I never had any help at his age from my parents and I wished they had stepped in to guide me from making the tons of mistakes I did that have affected my whole life. It’s not about controlling, but careful guidance. That’s good parenting. My DS has changed for the worst, most parents would step in if they were seeing this happen.

'She is very needy, is always crying about something'.

Your son, at his age, doesn't need this. He should be having fun and laughs. As for the supervising? What right has her father got to dictate how you treat them in your own home, ffs...?

Yes my exact thoughts too… but my hands are tied. Unfortunately my DS hasn’t recognised any of this so far. How long will this take him to wake up. He’s a shadow of his former self!!

You need to talk to him about this, can you take him out for a coffee or something and have a one to one chat?

My dd started seeing someone when she was 17yo who I had some reservations about and I just made a few comments for example ‘are you happy?’ ‘You seem to be apologising to him a lot?’ ‘Do you think he reacted well then?’

I didn’t tell her what to do but I did highlight what I felt the red flags were because she’s young and couldn’t see them herself yet.

She realised that some of his behaviours were not nice and the relationship ended thankfully.

I don’t think by saying nothing you’re doing him any favours.

Yes it’s hard. I’m trying to back off and let him see this himself, but I agree, I really want to highlight this to him without coming across as controlling. I do believe she’ll be the right person for someone else, as she’s not a nasty girl, but my son had personality before he met her and it’s gone. They do say you mimic the person you are with and that’s certainly the case here. She really is the most unusually shy, withdrawn person I’ve ever encountered, something isn’t right with her. I’ve met her mum and dad a couple of times and they are nice, but really very difficult to talk to, very quiet and shy. Dad is super controlling with her where my DS is concerned, however, in other areas they seem to just leave her to it. When he goes to her house, they are not allowed to spend time in her bedroom. They are downstairs only. They are both weeks from being 18!