DD (almost 14) is worried her friend has an eating disorder

[Tapestrybird]

DD has just gone into Year 9. She has a lovely group of friends. One of the girls is involved in something outside of school where remaining small and light possibly advantages her - don't want to say exactly what.

DD expressed a concern before the summer hols that her friend - let's call her Clara - seemed to be avoiding food. They went back to school after the break, so DD hadn't seen her for a month or so - and apparently it's much worse. Clara looks visibly very underweight and drawn, and is always freezing cold. They were at another mutual friend's ('Ellie's' ) house on Friday and some takeaway was ordered - where Clara seemed to be making lowest possible calorie choices and not really eating.

Together with DD, Ellie is worried. In fact, Clara went away on holiday with Ellie's family over the summer, and Ellie's mum mentioned her concerns too.😔

I don't know Clara's mum at all well. All three girls are at a school that has an onsite 'wellbeing centre' where a therapist is available to talk to the kids. I think a good approach might be for Ellie and dd to go ask for advice on how best to approach it with her. They wouldn't have to tell them who at this stage, although I imagine the school will want to know.

Thoughts? I might post this in eating disorders too...

I think it will be very apparent to Clara’s parents and school that she is underweight and Clara will feel betrayed by her friends if they report her.

Ultimately, due to her age, it CAMHS (their eating disorder team) who would need to provide support.

My DD had similar concerns re a friend at this age. I told her she had done the right thing in telling me, to make sure she doesn’t comment to her friend re food or appearance, and to try to avoid making good a big deal (ie , come over for a film, not come over for pizza). i then told the friend’s mum that my daughter had flagged concerns and what they were, and told the support person at their school. I’ve told DD to keep talking to me if she has more concerns - as I want her to talk to me, not turn it into a topic of discussion amongst their group.

I’m not sure it’s made any difference to the friend, but at least my daughter feels she is doing all she can to support.

there’s loads online re how to support someone with an ED. But sadly no magic bullet.

They’re not really reporting her then if others should be aware…in any case how would it come back to the girls?

Also it’s safeguarding. If you have concerns, you should tell someone. It can form part of a bigger picture. School are unlikely to do anything unless they also have their own concerns - it sort of feeds into the pot of info. They’re not going to tell her off !

Thanks everyone. DD initially came to me to ask if she and her friend should talk to the friend they are worried about. I advised that they might take some advice from the school's therapist first on whether that is a good idea or not, and if so - what language to use etc.

@FuzzyWolf - I don't know if it's that straightforward tbh. My cousin developed very, very severe anorexia as an older teen (she was hospitalised for a number of years, nearly died...). I do remember that it took quite a while for her parents to notice or acknowledge what was happening - and the problem was already very entrenched before action was taken. I know in dd's friend's case, the parents both have big, demanding jobs that entail a lot of travel, so it might be 'harder' for them to see what is going on...

Ring school. Ask to speak to the DSL and tell them