Smartphone and rules

[harryhole]

I am planning to get my 13.5 year old a smartphone in early 2026. We've got through early secondary without one perfectly happily but it feels like the right time given how much school stuff is on smartphones now.

Advice would be appreciated on:

Device - which one and why (ideally inexpensive)
How to restrict hours and apps
Appropriate rules of use
Consequences for rule breaking.

I have a Samsung and use Lebara if that's relevant.

Thanks 😊

I’d hold off for as long as you can but if you really are set I’d look at the HMD fusion x1 as you can control it with their dedicated guardian app. Or something like the pinwheel or balance phone.

Our rules included
phones stay downstairs to be charged overnight (no staying up late scrolling)
no phones at the dinner table for anyone
I (as the bill payer) can randomly check your phone use certainly up to age 16 so there should be nothing on there that I would object to eg inappropriate WhatsApp messages

Consequence is that the phone is removed for a period

This worked for a while but less so once they got over 16 when it felt wrong to insist on checking phone content. Now that DD is 18 I still pay the bill but the only surviving rule is no phones at the table. She is constantly attached to the bloody thing now messaging friends, scrolling reels and making Insta stories. I hate it but it feels impossible to change it. All her friends are the same.

Thanks both. It's depressing isn't it.
Maybe I will hang on. I originally said 14 and have been pressurised massively over the summer but I am so anti phones for the reasons you state.
Out of interest how do you handle things when friends come to your house with phones?

My issue with this is the cost - it's so expensive!

Same rules for friends ie no phones at dinner table or in bedroom overnight. If they are not willing to leave their phone downstairs they don’t have to stay over. Mention to friends parents when arranging any sleep overs ‘we have a rule all phones downstairs overnight’ Again this can only really work up to around 16 after which you will not have much influence.

Our son aged 13 just gets our old ones when we upgrade! He's got a Samsung 20 atm I think. Rules similar to others mentioned here. No phones at the dinner table. Phones off and returned to us by nine. Can do random checking at any time. Google family link tells us whenever he installs an app and what it is.

Similar rules here for my 13 year old. He has my old Samsung something, not expensive just left from when I upgraded so must be 7 or 8 years old. I have Microsoft family link.so can set the times it goes on and off by day and limit how much time is allowed on various apps, as well as blocking content. I also have it set up that I have to authorise any downloads.
We have no social media other than WhatsApp, phones in room overnight, no phones at the table or mindless scrolling while watching TV or movies together, or staring at the phone in the car etc.

I check it sporadically and have only once seen something I wasn't happy with (DS added to a WhatsApp group with a name I didn't like - in fairness he hadn't engaged in it at all) and was amused to see him telling a friend to stop swearing so much on a chat 😁. I've never seen him swear or say anything inappropriate on his chats.
It can be fine but you need to.set expectations very clearly from the start as I've seen with some of his friends how hard it is to set boundaries after they've already had freedom with it.

Our DC have our old phones too. iPhones.
I think they do have apps to limit screen time but DH is in charge of that as he is the tech person.
I know DS was on a campaign for more Minecraft time over the summer.
We did also make sure that it’s not linked to anything where he could make in app purchases after my DBro had a terrible experience with his DC who spent hundreds in a day on Roblox not realising it was ‘real money’. Hard lesson learnt as he did not get the money back. Now that DD is 18 she is free to link to her own bank account just not to mine!

Thanks all. This is so helpful. I will look at MS Family and Google Family.

The other day we had a friend over for the day and she sat on her phone while my daughter was doing something else and i felt like i was embarrased in my own house to ask her to put the phone away. My feeling is (having listened to Sara Davies talk about this ) is to ask my childs friends to either not bring phones ('we are a phone free home' sort of thing) or to leave phones in a box or a mini safe on arrival - but is that something others do? How do you manage this sort of situation?

Yes it is costly but for me I think it would be worth it for the added security. It could also be a negotiation point that the child has to contribute/save up to fund the device (and then you are covering the cost of the plan so it gives you the safeguarding control aspect) ?

We haven’t had the friend issue yet but I plan to have a phones in a box in the kitchen rule if it happens. It’s no different to any other household rule you’d want visitors to follow really.

Android phones and Family Link.

You pre approve apps, you can block some too. You set time limits (for the phone itself and for individual apps) and downtime. They can still use phone calls and text during those downtimes.

Keep phones out of bedrooms at all times.

Make sure your child knows you can and will check them on a random basis.

They all have various safety mechanisms you can implement.
Your provider can probably sort you out a cheap deal whereby you can also control their content and suchlike.
Don't underestimate how important a tool they are for personal safety though. They can use maps if they're lost, call for help, etc

My daughter is in yr6 and there seems to be an expectation that she'll get a phone at Christmas. We have not committed to doing that! But friends have said it's worked well for them as they cut their teeth with primary school friends, who we know the parents of, rather than new contracts in yr7.

I do think that I'll get to a point myself where I want her to have a phone, when she starts to get more independent. I don't think we'll hold off for much longer.

We plan on doing a combination of measures. Hand me down android device. Family link. Block some apps, e.g.YouTube, tiktok. I'm thinking to block WhatsApp on the phone but if that's an issue if it's used for coordinating social activities then I am wondering about allowing it on her tablet only which of course stays at home. Or I may say no WhatsApp groups, single message only. And time limits for other apps. I am considering not getting her any data at least at first so that outside the home is literally just call and text.

Us adults will need to set rules and then be seen to vaguely follow them ourselves. We already say no phones at the table (adults). And we put them across the room if we're doing something else, so they're not a distraction. I want to make a phone zone where phones go away at certain times and at night. This will apply to friends coming round too. I was shocked that at a sleepover in the summer two of the girls had phones and used them all night, including some apparently random calls from an unknown man. I don't know if that was true of course!

I am also aware what great tools they are though, and I don't want to be too doom and gloom. Like all tools, you need to know how to use them and use them wisely. This is where my 'no data' thinking gets challenged... Things like location sharing, maps, being able to look up the bus timetable. So useful!

Would welcome any thoughts.

I'm not sure you can confiscate children's property without their parents' permission

My 11yo has my old Samsung. Family link. Screen time limited to 2hrs a day. Locked down during school hours and between 8pm and 7.30am. Cannot get on the Internet. No social media. Has to ask for an apps or games to be downloaded. I check his phone every few days. No phones at table. He mostly sends gifs to his friends, calls his nanny (v cute) and plays a few games within his screen time.

Well, teachers do I suppose! But they wouldn't be confiscated, they would be away but in an accessible location. I'm talking about under 13s. If they had a massive issue with it then they could go home!

I would say no phones in bedrooms during sleepovers. If the kids cant deal with thst they dont need to stay

That's something parents agree to when they accept a school place, though.

I'm not talking about locking them away. Literally leaving them on the coffee table.

Personally I thought it was shocking that 10 year olds 1) had phones but even more so 2) were allowed to keep phones all night, messing about on the internet on them?! Do others not agree?