12yo daughter, self-harm school & friendships

[DinoMum1]

Hi, my daughter is about to start year 8. She's an only child. She's disclosed that earlier in year 7 she tried self-harming with a pencil sharpener blade, and now purposefully vapes in order to self-harm. She has had a mixed start to secondary school - settled in well initially but seems to choose the kids with problems and older kids to hang out with, She's losing interest in everything she liked doing before (art, swimming, music lessons), and claims she has no friends, although there are other kids that reach out to her for friendship but she ignores them as they're 'not cool'. Me and hubby are at a loss at what to do?

You don’t seem to have actually done anything op? Have you sought any professional help? Any therapy? Spoken the school?

I'm looking for a children and young person's therapist to help, and she's agreed to see one. School starts next week and I've a meeting with her year head to speak to her for advice also. All advice welcome :-)

Go on local parenting FB group and ask for recommendations.

This must be priority… professional support

How is she buying and paying for vapes? Where is she vaping?

um do not do this on FB because everyone will know your DD issues at school which you definitely do not want

Sweet Jesus

you do know you can post anonymously

and more to the point, on my local fb parenting group loads of members say “any recommendations for… therapist / doctor / family lawyer. And all they get is… well, just that, recommendations

She's not buying the vapes, she has older friends (ie 15 yo) who have them, and she uses them. She says she hasn't done it for about 3 weeks now but worries in case she feels the need again. And she has a lot of difficulty saying no if people offer them to her.

Why is a 12 year old allowed out with 15 year olds op

I have a 12 year old dd

I know where she is and who she is with all the time

Re: therapists - I've looked on BACP website but can't find anyone who is experienced in young people counselling - and who can do face-to-face. I will look on other places though.

She says she hasn't done it for about 3 weeks now

so she was out with these older kids in the summer holidays?

Literally just google

and unless you live in the arse end of no where, there will be local counsellors with a special focus on adolescents

I’d be very leery about older friends, exchanging sexual favors for vapes.
Coupled with change in behavior and interests I’d suspect sexual abuse/exposure.
does she do any sports? I’d be getting her away from said older friends as much as possible.

No advice, I'm afraid, just my personal experience of once being a 12-year old who self-harmed and engaged in risky behaviours.

I was just deeply, deeply sad. I felt rejected by everyone - my family, my peers, everyone. I honestly believed that there was something in me that repulsed people, and if only I knew what it was, I would fix it.

I did stupid things in the hope of garnering some kind of sympathy. If I couldn't be liked, maybe people feeling sorry for me and being kind to me would do instead. Of course, it backfired because people just got fed up of my attention-seeking antics, but not being mature enough to realise that, I just ramped things up.

I just wanted SOMEONE to see how utterly miserable I was, so they could help me. I have anxiety and depression to this day, and to self-soothe now I sometimes imagine myself as an adult giving younger me a big hug and telling her it will be OK.

I tried very hard to be what I thought people wanted me to be. Looking back I can see that trying to be something you're not just puts people off even more - even kids can sense fakery and inauthenticity.

I never felt I belonged anywhere. We moved around a lot, so I had no stability. I was always having to make yet another group of new friends, so there was no history, no solid ground to build on. Just try to be liked, get liked by a few, repelled by most, then move on and start the whole process again.

I just wanted so much to feel part of something. I never felt wanted at home, I was bullied throughout school, and had no special abilities that would mean I could join a gymnastics club or sports club or other social hobby thing. I didn't fit anywhere, so I tried to mold myself into someone who would fit somewhere. I found that I became more acceptable to the cool kids if I did risky, age-inappropriate things like drinking, smoking, sneaking out. I thought I'd found the formula for social success - "if I do this, people hate me less".

I don't know if this is any help at all, but I just wanted to show that when kids do daft and/or dangerous things, it's very rarely because they're happy with themselves and their place in the world.

I hope you and your DD find a way forward.

Get her away from older friends and vapes.
She is so ready and capable of learning skills at her age.
Find something she is good at and feels passionate about and support that.
Invite younger friend over to go out to a film or the zoo or skating etc. Help her engage with more whole some groups.

Find hobbies not connected to school necessarily.. art classes, sports, horseriding, guitar lessons, conservation clubs, zoo volunteers, BMX bikes, Italian cooking, chocolate making etc.

Your GP could be a good place to start, if your DD agreed. They should be able to recommend a therapist.

My DD started self-harming in Y8. School phoned to tell me. She begged them not to, saying I would be angry. I wasn't. Before she arrived home, I read up online, learning that parents shouldn't ask what the DC is distressed about but should say that they will help the DC to find other, more helpful ways to express their distress. I took DD to the GP then left the consulting room. She saw the GP four times over a month. To my knowledge, she has not self-harmed since (this was 9 years ago).

School said Y8 is the most difficult year because pupils find their feet after being the youngest and can make bad decisions about friendships. In our city, there was a big rise in self harm by cutting that year, so copycatting may also have been a factor (I'm not minimising DD distress BTW).

More info added

@IdaGlossop that would certainly have been a good approach with me i.e. not asking what's causing it but how you can help. I could not have articulated what was causing it, at the time. I did not understand how I felt or why, I definitely couldn't have put it into words.

Look for an ACP registered psychoanalytic psychotherapist. They are specifically trained to work with children and young people. They have a doctoral level qualification, have trained in and often still work within the NHS, have DBS checks, have had at least 4 years of their own personal therapy and have monthly supervision.

https://childpsychotherapy.org.uk/resources-families/find-child-psychotherapist