Ready to give up and just let son fail at school

[Confused92739572]

My son is in year 10, nearly 15. Outside of school he is a great person to be around and everyone wants to be his friend. He is kind, pretty sensible at the moment (don't have to worry about drink/drugs) . He is funny and entertaining. Everyone gets on with him of all ages and I've always had lots of comments saying what a great kid he is.
His school life is the complete opposite. Hes not interested in learning and just wants to be with his mates. They all mess around in the lessons ( the teacher tells me its low level disruption). He cant manage his own stuff- its his first day back today, hes got a detention for not having the correct equipment . Id bought him all new, put it all out for him and he must not have put it in his bag. I have daily messages from the school about his lack of focus/getting distracted/ doesn't do homework/and this low level disruption.
We have been through cahms since he was 7 years old. Every teacher hes ever had says they think he has adhd, then when us and the school fill all the forms in they won't accept him for assessment as doesn't meet enough criteria
We are back at cahms again next week starting the whole thing from scratch again, the waiting list is over 2 years long- he will have left school by then
Everyone knows he has it, he also is very anxious but you wouldnt know it. That's the basis for a lot of the behaviour to try and fit in and have friends.
I dont know how much more I can do. Im in daily contact with school, I speak to him at great length. He promises me tomorrow will be better then an hour into school they are giving him negative behaviour points
Hes a clever lad but I already know there is no way he will revise for gcses and doesn't seem to be able to retain any information. If he scrapes a pass he will be extremely lucky.
I've always tried to help, encourage and support but I don't know what else to do now and feel like giving up. Can't wait until he leaves school

If you can afford it, pay for a private assessment.

That sounds really tough. Are there any other 14+ options near you? What are school advising you to do?

No you shouldn’t give up on him. Can you get him privately tested?

Until he can get an assessment / meds, you may be able to help him more? Being ND can often mean that in some respects a child is maybe three years behind their peers in terms of maturity. What it might mean is that if you are able to, you may need to help him get routines in place in terms of things he needs to take etc. Also in terms of revision - he may need a study buddy; apparently there is such a thing as ‘body doubling’ where someone with adhd needs to have someone with them in same room while they are revising. Have you spoken to school SENco? Can they put some accommodations in place in the meantime? (Like seating him near the front of the class; giving him extra time; etc etc). They are supposed to respond to a child’s needs rather than just a diagnosis..

Its all so difficult . This is his second high school. We moved him from the local comp for same reason and all of his friends were there. Sent him to somewhere that's more vocational thinking it would help- hes even worse there and so are some of the other kids so he bounces off those.
What will a diagnosis even get him as the school already have everything in place for him as if he has a diagnoses already.
He can leave lessons for breaks- he can do exams separately and he has a classroom support plan and is on the sen register. This includes things like he needs to sit at the front by teacher-, needs reassurance and regular check ins, and things explained simply. They do a lot but he is still just the same. Every day is getting worse.
Once he has finished school I think he will thrive. He would make an excellent salesman-, or an entertainer, a butlins redcoat i always tell him
I was a very sensible kid and always followed rules and still do so I cant relate to him at all.

You sound like you are describing my son. He is going back into year 9 tomorrow-I’m dreading it. He was diagnosed with autism and adhd 4 months ago. The school put in place everything you described, and he was still no better.
We’ve had a lovely summer holiday (when he graces me with his presence instead of his friends), but I know it will all go down hill from tomorrow 😢

If school didn't exist he would be fine!! Lol
Even his teachers right from primary and both high schools all say they love him to bits and all really get on with him- just not in a classroom setting.
I feel for my son because this behaviour he exhibits is because of his struggles, but I also feel sorry for his teachers because I know how difficult it is having disruptive children in a classroom.
I have another child , a younger daughter who is the complete opposite to him. Always great reports, positive points but she is a quiet girl and isn't very outgoing. They are like chalk and cheese

Don’t give up!
sounds like adhd, get a private assessment, medication will make a massive difference if it is ADHD.

Sounds exactly like ADHD. Has he been screened for Dyslexia too?

Diagnosis will give him the opportunity to trial medication. It can be transformational.

Talk to your GP about using the ‘Right to Choose’.

You can also do NHS right to choose, some of the waiting lists are closer to 6 months.

I agree with letting kids fail, but only at things they can conceivably achieve. It doesn't sound like this is one of those scenarios - if he has undiagnosed, unsupported ADHD then his willpower is not the issue.
I have a son with severe ADHD and I transitioned him out of mainstream schooling because I saw he would repeatedly fail, but at things that were actually entirely out of his grasp due to the circumstances in which he was educated and the (lack of) support available to him. He now has a much more streamlined education and is allowed to fail at things, but it's now appropriate because his responsibilities are actually achievable for him.
Have you spoken to the school SENCO at all? If money/logistics/support were no barrier, what would you want for him? Identifying this can be helpful in deciding what to work towards - quite how it happens can often be implemented in a variety of ways.

@Confused92739572 Hi, how has the last few days been for you/your son?
Just as a show of solidarity to you, ours has been shit and he would of been suspended but they’ve given him a bit of leeway as it’s the first 2 days back and he is adjusting to routine again.
Its made our minds up though about ADHD medication, we are going to explore it now whereas we had said we didn’t really want to.

He sounds like my oldest son: too clever to get an ADHD diagnosis, despite it being fairly obvious that he has it. Mine is now 33. He scraped educational achievements and works in a field that suits his strengths. He does very well at work and because he’s interested in it he focuses and puts effort into it. Through work he met someone who appreciates his strengths and she is now his DW, my DiL. It has been frustrating beyond measure to parent him and latterly be there for him as an adult, but I feel he is finally coping with life.

Use the right to choose for a private assessment

by warned if you go totally private you need to pay for medication