Rules around boyfriend at 16

[jessty]

Hi all,

Long story short. My daughter is 16 and has first boyfriend. Lovely kids, appear to be open with us parents and very happy to hang out at each others houses. I am in contact with his parents though we haven't met in person.

As someone who grew up with few boundaries in place, I don't know what is acceptable. I let them up to her room. Should I be insisting on door open? Or is that a bit ott?

Please be kind. I had more freedom than most but I'm not sure that is the best thing either so I don't know where to set the bar.

Thanks

Yes door open. I took my secondary school boyfriends virginity on the bedroom floor with the door shut so don’t think you being in stops anything.

An open door isn't going to stop them either, they'll just do it somewhere else.

Have a grown-up chat with your daughter re. consent, boundaries, contraception etc. Let her know she can ask/tell you anything. Then leave it up to her, she's legally able to make her own choices re. what she does with her boyfriend.

It's just a bit uncomfortable. I guess I'm just going to have to get on with it 😳

Totally agree.

Ensure she understands how to properly protect herself from pregnancy, STIs, and trauma. Let her know there is no rush and you trust her to make decisions that are right her her. Then, just be there for her☺️

I know what you mean Op I also was left to make poor decisions so not clear what is normal!

Im not sure the purpose of open doors - are we saying a 16 year old is not allowed to kiss/ be sexual even with their boyfriend? I think of open doors as something for younger children.

Are you specifically trying to stop her having sex or do you want her to tell you so she can have contraception?

I think I was allowed boyfriends to stay over far too often but then again I look back now with immense fondness at my first love! so not sure in the long run there was damage.

You have good healthy open conversations with them both and with your daughter. You make sure she knows how to enforce her own boundaries (which she’s legally old enough to navigate). You make it very very clear that if anything goes wrong or she is unhappy with anything she can talk to you and you will help, not be angry. You make sure they’re safe and happy and that you are there for support.

look it’s gonna happen, doors open or not. They always find a way. Having just gone through this with my SD & her boyfriend, she knew she could talk to me about contraception, came to me when condom failed so she could get emergency contraception & asked me to help her get the coil. I’d rather than then her doing it behind her dads & mines back & getting into difficulty, unwanted pregnancy etc.

I think the focus needs to be on trust and your child being able to come to you to talk about things rather than a door. If they are going to have sex, then they will have sex. A door being open at your house won’t change that.

If they are both 16, I'd leave it up to them. DS was given condoms everywhere he went (school, youth club doctors) at that age so presumably they will be awash with them.
I would warn them about photos though. It's not legal for them to send photos to each other.
Also, and this should be a given, if they want to behave like adults in my house, that applies more generally than sex. I don't want to hear them, launder their bedding, And they shouldn't be prioritising sex over their responsibilities.
We all lived to tell the tale. No pregnancies or diseases, he's still friends with all the gfs and so am I. And they all got excellent grades and are starting to take up with lovely life partners.

Surely many ,many 16 year olds have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship without having sex?
Yes it's legal, but surely we as parents can tell them they're too young?

You can tell them, but you can't expect them to listen to you or to act on your advice. They're legally allowed to and if they want to they will. Putting barriers in their way won't make them stop, they'll just find ways around these barriers and that's when you get to risky or dangerous behaviour. You can tell them what you like, but the sensible and realistic approach is to keep communication open and to guide them on issues of consent and safety/contraception.