No friends - and bullying - what can I do?

[Sallyssss]

My son has a severe stammer and I suspect some level of autism (although not formally diagnosed yet). When he started secondary school we were relieved as he seemed to make friends and were in with what seemed a nice group of lads. He is going into year 9, and all of his friends have dropped him and those that do have anything to do with him - are not kind. I keep a close eye on his phone - and they clearly enjoy winding him up, ignoring him or making it obvious he isn’t included in socials. He hasn’t seen anyone all summer and is desperately lonely. It is breaking my heart- as he is such a nice kid. I recognise that he can be quite rigid with his perspectives, and his stammer making communication difficult, but what can I do?

(Btw - he has done a lot of speech therapy which has had little impact).

Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated- as I’m at a lost as to how I help now he is in secondary school.

So sorry to read this. I know it’s usually offered advice but can he join some clubs out of school. Sports etc. he may find his tribe there. Could you also speak to the teachers to see if there is anything he can get involved with at school too. Good luck

Can you contact school and ask to speak to SENCo/ year group lead/ learning mentor? He'll need support in school. Really sad to hear what a hard time he is having. Autism charities sometimes run out of school clubs which might help.

Join out of school clubs. Mountain climbers, snowboarders and rambling type people are usually a chilled and respectful bunch. So many young people on the mountains this summer.

We all have to find our way in this world and it’s hard at school not to define one’s self worth by how our peers at school perceive and treat us. But, thankfully the world is full of decent, kind, caring and inspirational people too.

Open up his world beyond school. It is vast and an exciting place.

My DC moved around a lot as children so they do make friends easily now (they had to learn how to) but it was hard and they took a lot of knock backs too. Now they are adults they have the joy and challenges of outdoor pursuits and are happy to go alone or in groups. They do not feel any pressure to join in the alcohol fuelled antics at Uni every weekend and although they will drink alcohol and socialise on occasions they only go to events that interest them.

OP, I’m so sorry you and your boy are going through this. Bullying (for whatever reason) is just heartbreaking.

I’m an advocate of removing children out of toxic environments if all other avenues have been tried (talking to school etc). I don’t subscribe to the ‘they need to toughen up and learn how to survive’ attitude as we all know if we had a work environment like that, we’d be well within our rights to issue formal complaints and/ or leave. I was bullied at school and never encountered anything so awful in the ‘real’ world.

Have you also tried connecting him with peers that also stammer through charities such as this one: https://actionforstammeringchildren.org/about-asc/connection/
Sorry if you’ve looked at all the charities etc. before and I’m telling you things you know so well- just thought connecting with kids who face the same tough challenges might be of help?

Firstly, thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I woke up at 4 am this morning worrying about is - and your words have really helped me come up with a plan! I'm going to contact the school so they can keep an eye on it - and action a cycling club we have discussed in the past! I'll also reach out to action for stammering again (its been a while!).

Thank you again. You have helped 💐💐💐

You should let school know so they can keep an eye on him - that sounds horrible. I think scouts is supposed to be quite inclusive. Teenagers can be brutal.

I'd second climbing as an activity. DD2 climbs (indoor walls; bouldering and top rope) and they're a lovely group. I thought before she started (about nine years ago) that it would be high testosterone and high adrenaline and it really isn't. She has some sensory sensitivities and having a different group of people to see each week other than school peers has been wonderful over the years. She's seen her climbing group socially as well as at the club. And climbing is VERY strict and structured in terms of safety and procedures so being a rule follower (as DD is) comes in very handy.

Let school know. They really can help. When the support in school works well, it really works.

Have you (or he) considered joining Scouts? I have found them to be so great with children that struggle with the same problems you’ve described for your DS.

What support is he getting in school @Sallyssss?