Struggling with my DD

[YourRubyShaker]

Hi, I’m really struggling with my DD who is 17 next month. Any advice would be appreciated.

She had a little job at a pub before the summer for a couple of months. Then went to asia for 1 month. Came back and the landlord has given her job to someone else, presumably because she was away for so long. He hasn’t told her this, he just hasn’t put her on shift. I can understand it, but when she asked him (on my suggestion) if he needs her still, he’s just blanked her. So now I’ve said she needs to find a new job. this girl has a £50 per month gym membership, she loves going out for lunch at Nando’s, which before she could’ve done as she had a job!

since she’s been back from Malaysia she has lost her provisional driving license (the card) and her debit card and now her sister’s house key. All of which I will have to pay for to replace because she has no money.

I am really really having to push her hard and it’s so exhausting. I did her cv for her. Told her a list of places she could approach to ask for work. 3 weeks after she’s back, she’s not done anything. She has been at her dad’s for 5 days of this, to be fair. She is going into town tomorrow to take her CV to some places, but I don’t trust she will. She’s going for lunch (how this will be paid for I’m not sure) with her friend first and then to hand out the CV. I know I’m a little controlling, but based on her recent attitude I’m having to be. I’m having to constantly nag her. It’s not fun at all and I’m finding it utterly exhausting. I had a part time job at 15!

in addition to this, the boy who she likes has asked to see her tomorrow. He’s asked her to decide what they can do. Obviously I have given suggestions, said she can have some cash for this if she needs it. This was hours ago. She still hasn’t decided and has said she’ll let him know tomorrow. I’m just so worried she will miss out on opportunities because of her lack of motivation, decisiveness etc in all areas of life.

I don’t want to be overbearing and micromanage her constantly, but I also can’t see her with this way of viewing the world. It feels like she is living in cloud cuckoo land.

she isn’t depressed or anything like that. She is vibrant and full of life! Anyone have any suggestions?

My kids are younger but this sounds fairly normal. She’s a completely irresponsible teen - just not quite getting the whole financial responsibility thing. It just depends how much you want to facilitate this.

Is she in some kind of education?

Yes. She’s starting college next week

I understand you are worried about her, but maybe she is thinking it’s her last week of the summer holidays and she wants to rest and lounge around?

I try to encourage my teens to get up and do things rather than laze about, but unfortunately I can’t make them. I do expect them to help around the house and I set them chores that they can’t negotiate to get out of them m.

Once she’s in a routine of getting up to go to college and doing homework, she might decide for herself that she would like to earn some extra money.

In the meantime, if she asks you for money and you don’t have any spare for her social life, then just explain that you don’t have enough for now and she will have to make sacrifices until she finds a part time job.

Stop nagging.

stop organising her.

teenagers are like this. They just are. They grow up and get organised as they have more experience of the world.

step back.
you do not need to give her money. In fact if you don’t give her money she’s more likely to sure out a job for herself.

The only way kids learn to adult is if you stop adulting for her.

Sure give suggestions and guidance on cv and where to take it, but you can’t frogmarch her down there, but don’t enable a life of sloth either so no money for gym, phone etc unless she is actively trying to get work herself. Hopefully the Asia trip will encourage to want to travel more that requires money.

None of this sounds particularly outlandish for a teenager. Obviously she's not going to be entirely self sufficient yet...and part time jobs for that age group are far harder to find nowadays than they were when we were that age.

I’m assuming she’s capable if she’s been off travelling for a month??

I was with you until you “obviously” making suggestions about what to do with the boy and then that she’s back to college in a week. I’d leave her alone, she’ll have the rest of her life to work. If she needs a few quid in the next week get her to do some household chores for it

I think I’d let that gym membership lapse and stop bankrolling her. (But that’s easily said as my teen is much younger!)

I don’t know if I’d expect a 17 year old who is still in education to be self sufficient. And a gym membership is a positive thing, if she uses it.

I’m not sure I’d be bankrolling the lunches out though.

I don’t think going down the “constantly nagging” route is helpful. I know it’s frustrating, but I see behaviour like this from late teens to early 20’s while kids are making that last jump to adulthood. Nagging will likely just get her defensive.

I think you just need to be really clear about your boundaries with money around this. Tell her, I can give you X amount of money a week for 3 weeks to give you time to get a job or I can help pay for your gym and your phone but not anything else. Or whatever works for you. And offer to help her find work if she needs it. But basically communication of very clear and judgment free boundary and offers of support and hold tongue on the rest.

Seems quite young to be expecting her to be on her A game all the time. I would say a £50 gym membership is a bit of a luxury as well as lunches out at Nando's on the regular. I'm in my 40's and my Gym (Council) is £20 a month and I don't eat out very often, never at her age unless with my parents.

If you want her to get a job then don't give her money for nandos and going out with boy she likes.

Stuff like replacing sisters housekey comes out of her allowance otherwise she has no incentive not to be feckless.

If you haven't got the funds then don't pay £600 a year for gym membership. Seems a lot. A leisure centre subscription would be more reasonable to pay for.

Going to Asia for 4 weeks at 17 is amazing . She did really well to save up for that. Hopefully she will want to do something similar after college so will have to work for it.

Her indecisiveness is not going to be helped by you telling her what to do.

She’s only just finished her GCSEs. When I was reading the thread I thought your complaints were because she’s 19!

Who paid for the Asia trip?

Thanks. I think I do need to leave her to her own devices to a degree now. Along with me telling her that outside of things she needs for college, I won’t be funding lunches etc.

The gym membership, she took out when she had the job. It’s so good for her mental well-being and physical health of course, so I don’t really want to pull that if I can help it. She didn’t save for Asia. Myself and her dad did, along and family and friends who contributed.

This is a perfect opportunity for you to let natural consequences to take place. If she doesn’t get another job, she won’t be able to fund her social life. If she loses things, she needs to pay to replace them (or do extra chores if she has no cash). If she can’t decide where to go with the boy then she may not go anywhere.

It’s time for you to drop the rope, stop nagging her and let her get on with things. By all means offer suggestions/give advice if she asks for it but she will just resent you if you keep nagging.

If she uses the gym, I would pay for it.
I agree that being fit is so important for mental health.
But yes, don't pay for anything else.

you are bailing her out too much.

I actually do think it's normal parenting to push her to get a job - but she needs to be pushed via consequences not just nagging. IF you give her money to see boys/ mates etc why would she bother?

The one bit where you do sound controlling is telling her to reply to some random boy. Please just do not give that another thought!! If she isn't that bothered and he loses interest that's a life experience.

She uses the gym a lot and I’m very proud she does it and enjoys it.