DD racked with anxiety about going back to school (Y10)

[Tweeti]

DD is 14 and starts back in Year 10 next week.

She seemed really emotional today - sad / some outbursts / complained of a feeling of fear in her stomach. Turns out it is all school-related.

She's afraid of which sets she'll be in. Who'll be in her class for her options. How she'll find her classrooms if she's on her own. How she'll find people to hang around with at lunch. Whether she'll be on time for registration. If she was Year 7 I would understand this completely...

She doesn't really have any very close mates at school. Sadly all three of her good friends have left London over the last few years - v bad luck for her :(. She has a few casual friends / acquaintances at least, but I suspect this is what's driving a lot of the anxiety.

She's quite bright and is doing ok at school, bar Maths which she struggles with. So I don't think she's that worried about the lessons really, other than Maths where she's worried she'll be in the bottom set.

Any ideas to try to take her mind off it all as much as possible? Or any coping mechanisms for when she can't help but think about it?

I loved school - it was my refuge and happy place - so I find it hard to put myself in her shoes and I never seem to say or do the right thing!

Is any of the class/sets/teacher information online yet? I know all schools do things differently, but this information on the platform my DDs homework diary is on

For the maths - can you afford a tutor to improve her skills and confidence?

For the general anxiety, tell her how normal it is. Reassure her that lots of existing friendship groups are going to be split up in the new gcse classes and it's an opportunity to start over and widen the amount of people she gets on with.
Can you focus on something fun in the rest of the holidays? My DD has a back to school ritual the day before. Lots of self care, face mask, hair mask, fake tan. She enjoys telling me it's her annual glow up

It’s really common for girls in particular to experience a high level of anxiety in year 10, it’s the first year of their GCSEs and every pressure takes a step up.

I would maybe work through some of these fears in terms of worst case scenario. Eg if she is on her own and gets lost, what will happen next? She’ll be late for her lesson. But if it’s the first lesson she has in that room, I can pretty much guarantee that the teacher won’t sanction. That will be the only time she gets lost as she will know it next time.

I would also chat through the pastoral element with her - who are her ‘safe adults’ in school? Can she speak to her form tutor/ head of year if she’s struggling? Sometimes they choose a subject teacher they have a good bond with, that’s okay too, just remind her that those adults will be there and will be looking out for her.

I would also email her form tutor/ head of year and let them know she’s anxious. If maths is her worry, I might also email the head of maths with a message to pass to her maths teacher so they can make a good effort to build a relationship with her from the start.

wishing you and your daughter a smooth start to the year! X

I loved school - it was my refuge and happy place - so I find it hard to put myself in her shoes Firstly, do some work on yourself to stop comparing and focus on accepting her reality. They say the past is another country and you went to school in a different time, where there was less pressure and more optimism about the future.

If you can afford a maths tutor, get her one if her predicted grades are low enough that she could fail. Do this early.

I never seem to say or do the right thing! How much are you trying to change her mind, Vs trying to listen to what support she would like from you? The more you centre her, the more she will feel supported. And praise her for coping, and say you understand what she's saying. Tell her you have her back and she'll always find a listening ear with you.

Tell her if she has a bad day she has a safe home to come back to and you'll be there to hear all about it. Also tell her you don't need her to be happy to please you, you want to hear her reality and then you'll work together to respond to any challenges.

None of her timetable info is online unfortunately- it really would be a big help if it was!

I'm looking for a maths tutor for her at the moment so hoping that will help.

Going to do some nice things with her this weekend to try to distract. I'm working on Monday and Tuesday so she'll be left alone then but I'll try to encourage her to meet a friend - but this is part of the problem as she has no really close friends here now & she's a bit reluctant to ask the more casual friends in case it looks "desperate"!

I do try to walk through worst case scenarios to take the sting out the worry. But it doesn't help that much eg if she's worried about not finding a room and being late and I say the teacher won't sanction you for being late the first time and you'll know next time - she would say: "Well what if he does sanction me and then I have detention and then I can't find my friends to sit with at lunch as I'll be late and even if he doesn't sanction me he'll say something and it will be embarrassing. And what if I can't remember for the next time and I'm late again etc etc". So we end up going off on tangents of related worries.

I've spoken to the school multiple times about her anxiety and they don't really do much. She even had some days off due to severe anxiety last term and I told them about it and said I was concerned about school refusal. I got no reply. So I've sort of given up on expecting them to help work this out.

I find that I'm just wishing the school terms away and hoping she can make it to the end.

You've made me reflect on my own story, @Tweeti . My mum's parents died when she was little, and she moved between her aunts' and her older brother's homes. School was absolutely a sanctuary for her, her best friend's mother was the closest thing she had to a mum for most of her life. I had a really hard time at high school. I never knew how to talk about it with mum, I just struggled on and tried to make the best of it. I've never twigged before that what was making communication difficult is how she would really have struggled to put herself in my shoes.

I wish I had more helpful advice because I do think it's had knock-on effects through my life. Make sure she knows you're on her team and you don't look down on her at all for struggling socially. (Not saying you're not doing this already, just trying to think what would have been helpful for me).

Coming back to this, as sometimes my thoughts percolate slowly. Too slowly for MN discussions! (But when I post quickly it's too often thoughtless, also).
I think stop with the worst-case-scenario thought experiments. It feels like it might just communicate that you don't actually think your daughter's situation is that bad - "Really, what's the worst thing that could happen?"
Being lonely at school is a really, really bad thing, you don't need to imagine anything worse, it's damaging in and of itself.