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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage Femboy and online friends

11 replies

Talliballi · 28/08/2025 21:13

Hi, looking for some advice please as I'm really not sure how to handle the situation we are finding ourself in with our 14 yo son. Its a long post, sorry!!
He recently told us he wants to be a Femboy, which we struggled with at first as it seemed to come from absolutely nowhere. He's always been a very masculine boys boy.. would always go spare if anything looked remotely feminine. So we tried to be supportive, learn about Femboys, what they are and bought him the clothes he wanted. He was quite relieved that we were supporting him. But, we had strict rules about sending pictures of himself dressed up to people, or posting video's. He has only told some people and we suggested that's probably for the best for now until he finishes school, and to keep that more private for now. Kids can be evil human beings and hes now at GCSE stage so do not want any extra worry for him. He was fine with that and agreed.
We've been quite strict but fair parents, allowing him to play VR, and have a phone, but we also monitor his activity. He's 14 so I think that's fair. Both my kids phones are linked to mine for safeguarding as well.
We recently found out that hes been talking via VR chat to these random other Femboys, and had even been engaging in some virtual sexual activity with one of them. I found this through a video he had recorded which went into my back ups. I was mortified!
We talked to him and banned him off the VR chat app, as clearly that wasnt a safe space, but now I've found out hes created himself an Instagram account, following some pretty risque accounts, and is also now talking to new random people he doesn't know via Insta, tiktok and Snapchat.
We've tried explaining to him the dangers of talking to people he doesn't know but he insists he knows that these people are ok. I am so worried about what he's being drawn into. Every time we try to say anything to him he gets so aggressive and feels like we are trying to stop him doing anything. Honestly I wish I could take his VR and phone and just smash them... 😫 but I know that's not the answer and I know he is using it as an outlet to be who he wants to.
We love him, whatever he wants to be, wear, identify as or who he wants to love. But, I can't support anything that potentially puts him at risk.
The world is such a scary and confusing place, but he thinks we just want to nag him and ruin his life (proper Kevin and Perry style if anyone gets that reference, i am over 45!). He's a lovely boy, plays football, cricket, loves all things sporty. He's well thought of by his peers, teachers and other parents. I just worry sick every day that he's going to end up hurt, depressed or worse.
I'm really just reaching out on here to see if anyone else has been through or going through anything similar who could provide any advice on the best way to handle this or just to let me know I'm not alone in this.
I'm literally at my wits end 😢.
(And I'd really appreciate helpful, not judging posts please... trust me I do that enough to myself!)
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
titchy · 28/08/2025 21:27

Well I wouldn’t suggest smashing the tech. But I don’t understand why you can’t remove it. He can’t keep himself safe, so you’ll have to.

user2848502016 · 28/08/2025 21:56

Yep I have a 14 year old girl, I would be removing her devices and allowing only supervised access to the internet for homework (as in in a family area not her bedroom).
You need to keep your son safe, he’s too young for this stuff.
He can wear whatever he wants but the online stuff is very concerning

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 28/08/2025 21:59

Remove devices and stop pandering

randoname · 28/08/2025 22:02

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 28/08/2025 21:59

Remove devices and stop pandering

This.
14 is very young.

Bellsbeachwaves · 28/08/2025 22:04

Put in firmer consequences and internet safeguards. He's too young.

TucanPlay · 28/08/2025 22:31

The good thing is he is talking to you and you are monitoring his devices. I think you’ll need to be really clear with him that the boundaries you put in place are the same whatever his sexuality or identity. You explain the rules are because he is a child who will be open to exploitation and abuse, and you as his parent are responsible for his safety, there’s no room for negotiation on this. I’d look at resources that will help him understand and teach him about safety online. There’s several websites with guides for teens and parents Childnet, kidshealth, internetmatters.

Notmyrealname22 · 28/08/2025 22:36

You absolutely can remove their devices. Our DS14 just lost his computer for throwing a tantrum when something went wrong with it and grabbing my wrist. He’s been told 6 months. My DS12 is losing his smart phone and getting a dumb phone (calls and texts only so he can contact us, as he walks home from school) for general misbehaving at school and at home.

No advice on the femboy stuff, but at 14 he’s far too young to be making and sending sexual videos and you need to protect him from that stuff.

FionnulaTheCooler · 28/08/2025 22:44

You need to remove all unsupervised Internet access now if he doesn't have the sense to know that you don't share personal information with Internet randoms. I'd also be having a very serious talk about what the legal consequences could be if he gets charged with distribution of pornographic material involving under 18s, if anyone else was to get access to that video he made. The repercussions from that could affect his life for a long time.

Original poster
Talliballi · 30/08/2025 11:41

TucanPlay · 28/08/2025 22:31

The good thing is he is talking to you and you are monitoring his devices. I think you’ll need to be really clear with him that the boundaries you put in place are the same whatever his sexuality or identity. You explain the rules are because he is a child who will be open to exploitation and abuse, and you as his parent are responsible for his safety, there’s no room for negotiation on this. I’d look at resources that will help him understand and teach him about safety online. There’s several websites with guides for teens and parents Childnet, kidshealth, internetmatters.

Thank you, this is what I needed. Removing devices completely is not the answer as he does use his phone for his football team group chats, and speaking to his actual real friends. His VR chat has already been removed and I restricted his account as I hold this. His controllers are also broken so these may not now get replaced.

As I said previously in my post I see his search history and can see certain activities but not all. I do sporadically look at his phone and read his messages which he sees as a massive violation of his privacy (as do his friends) but that was the first rule we implemented when we agreed to him having one. My 11 yo has the same rules/restrictions in place now he has a phone.
We've all talked at great length about online safety and how to keep safe, but honestly I think hes just looking for a connection to someone who feels the way he does inside and when he sees someone who does, he just seems to attach to them without thinking. I don't want to stop him talking to the Femboy community, but I also need him to be doing it safely and controlled. I'm going to look into some LGBTQ+ groups to see if there are any safe spaces for teens, although Femboys themselves tend not to be included so its difficult to find forums for this. (Any advice welcome on that!).
I'll definitely investigate the sites you have mentioned and thank you.
Ps for clarity on the video I mentioned, it wasn't "real", as in him in the video. It was his and another boys virtual avatar in a "bedroom" style environment basically carrying out "virtual " acts on each other. Nothing explicit, but more suggestion and inference, which is enough in itself. The video was a screen recording of this which ended up in my gallery. The fact that this could happen on an app that is rated Pegi 13 is quite frankly disgusting and I have reported it.
We will be having further chats and i will be restricting his accounts even more, but also do not want to isolate him when he needs his friends around him and people to talk to. Too many teen suicides have been caused by exactly that, and he needs to know hes not alone. Hopefully, when hes back at school he may find other outlets to express himself.
Thanks for everyone who posted for their advice. Teen parenting is hard enough at the best of times, let alone in this scary world of today. Be safe ❤️

OP posts:
Falcondo · 25/10/2025 21:43

Talliballi · 30/08/2025 11:41

Thank you, this is what I needed. Removing devices completely is not the answer as he does use his phone for his football team group chats, and speaking to his actual real friends. His VR chat has already been removed and I restricted his account as I hold this. His controllers are also broken so these may not now get replaced.

As I said previously in my post I see his search history and can see certain activities but not all. I do sporadically look at his phone and read his messages which he sees as a massive violation of his privacy (as do his friends) but that was the first rule we implemented when we agreed to him having one. My 11 yo has the same rules/restrictions in place now he has a phone.
We've all talked at great length about online safety and how to keep safe, but honestly I think hes just looking for a connection to someone who feels the way he does inside and when he sees someone who does, he just seems to attach to them without thinking. I don't want to stop him talking to the Femboy community, but I also need him to be doing it safely and controlled. I'm going to look into some LGBTQ+ groups to see if there are any safe spaces for teens, although Femboys themselves tend not to be included so its difficult to find forums for this. (Any advice welcome on that!).
I'll definitely investigate the sites you have mentioned and thank you.
Ps for clarity on the video I mentioned, it wasn't "real", as in him in the video. It was his and another boys virtual avatar in a "bedroom" style environment basically carrying out "virtual " acts on each other. Nothing explicit, but more suggestion and inference, which is enough in itself. The video was a screen recording of this which ended up in my gallery. The fact that this could happen on an app that is rated Pegi 13 is quite frankly disgusting and I have reported it.
We will be having further chats and i will be restricting his accounts even more, but also do not want to isolate him when he needs his friends around him and people to talk to. Too many teen suicides have been caused by exactly that, and he needs to know hes not alone. Hopefully, when hes back at school he may find other outlets to express himself.
Thanks for everyone who posted for their advice. Teen parenting is hard enough at the best of times, let alone in this scary world of today. Be safe ❤️

Show quote history

Hi Talliballi,

I’m no parent, but I am a fellow “femboy”.
To be honest, your 14 year old will have probably sat on this for about a year before telling you. But, onto advice, he is basically alone in being a femboy. To tell people is a very large step that he has to seriously consider, as going back on it is almost impossible. Try to allow him to express himself as much as possible, but definitely talk to him about societal standards. I’m referring to clothing mostly: acceptable length of skirts and how to wear skirts safely. Introducing “safety shorts”, shaving will be a soon-occurring process that you will need to teach him. Onto the online aspect, it's hell. As a femboy there aren’t any feasible ways to talk to people without it progressing to NSFW. The best way to communicate about “femboyism” is to girls and to a therapist. To offer more advice, girls are actually really cool about it; you must educate him on acceptable things he can talk to them about, but they (plural) usually like to compliment it, and it's very satisfying to hear. Finally, try to persuade him to buy off second-hand clothing sites such as Vinted and eBay, as he will get high-quality and actually feminine clothing.

Hopefully, this all helps

LoyalMember · 25/10/2025 22:41

What the Hell's a femboy, and who's put this nonsense in his head? Of course take his devices away from him because he's a child who's endangering himself.

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