15 year old daughter advice pls

[Saahbo]

This is a bit of a long one but my daughter has always been tricky. Teen years have been horrific.
She was diagnosed Autistic and ADHD recently so this may be a large part of it.
She has struggled with lasting friendships, she was bullied quite badly as well. She makes friends but then ruins it by making it a 'relationship' which goes sour and then there isn't even a friendship. I'm not sure she is actually gay as she's always had crushes on boys, and now goes to a single sex school but as I said she has short-lived gay relationships. She's also got her friends calling her he/him and a male name which is another layer. She keeps trying to wear a binder which I immediately disallow - hair and clothes ok but not anything that could cause damage. Again not convinced she is gender dysphoric - she had no clue about this until meeting a 'trans' girl and the idea just took off but this is now 18 months in.

She is incredibly intelligent but does minimal school work. She has loads of interventions and hugely underperformed in year end exams. She lies, steals, swears, she's run away a few time and self harmed to the point she has literal stripes on her arms. She has fabricated stories and reported us to SS twice, the last time because I said she could go out with her friends if she did her school work but she didn't so I stopped her and she kicked off and told SS I hit her (I didn't - in fact she was the one hitting me) But she did eventually apologise for that and I thought things were getting better. But she has been out with her friends nearly every day this week, she just goes out without asking/telling me and ignores the time I tell her to come home. But I don't know what to do because last time I grounded her she called SS! Her room is a tip, she did a tiny amount of school work yesterday.

So please can I have some advice on how to handle this

• how to enforce some boundaries without it going nuclear. Are my boundaries unreasonable?
• Do I just let her fail at school?
• How do I gently tell her that part of the reason friendships don't last is because she is pretending to be something she isn't?
• What do I do about the trans thing?
• Basically - how do I get her to do sensible things without it becoming a battle?

Thank you.

You've got on a lot on your plate there.
Has your daughter had any counselling? I think having a trusted therapist she could meet regularly could be really helpful for her in having a professional outlet to explore some of her feelings. Would she be amenable? You'd probably have to pay to access someone reasonably quickly though.

It'll be OK if she does badly at school. If she's smart, she'll be able to catch up during A-levels. GCSEs aren't the be-all and end-all.

She can figure out the friendship thing herself in time. You've got greater wisdom here, but it sounds like she's not going to be able to internalise that yet.

If you push too hard on the trans thing, you'll become part of the narrative she'll pick up about unsupportive parents and worst case it could be a permanent rift.

Ultimately you want to be able to get to the point where you can have a mature conversation about where things are and where they're heading without recriminations. If you can reach an agreement, it'll be easier to hold boundaries as it won't just be you enforcing things on one side.

Hi OP I don’t have any advice, but I feel for you.. Just a suggestion have you thought about contacting the National Autistic society.
i did work with Autistic adults and one young guy I supported said that the charity had been invaluable for him as to getting an understanding of his behaviours as in the past he had always wanted to “fit in” which lead to self harming, eating disorder and unhealthy friendships./relationships.
So much so he ended up working for the Society as he was so grateful and wanted to help others navigate their strengths rather like build healthier ways to live life .
sorry bit of a ramble. Hope you find support for yourself too.

www.autism.org.uk/

Thank you everyone so far for your help.
We have tried 2 lots of counselling and a psychologist and she just didn't engage. I know you have to find the right therapist but it's very time consuming and expensive to keep searching..but I will keep trying. She doesn't have a mental health issue. She may well have a personality disorder but for me all these labels aren't helpful if there isn't a solution if that makes sense.

I've done a lot of agonising over the school thing and it's just painful to watch. I also worry that if she fails at GCSE - or even doesn't do well it will close the door to A-levels or other qualifications.

Flossydog - I agree with everything you say. I just don't know how to talk to her as it's impossible to get to an agreement. She says she wants my help but then screams at me if I try.

She has a lot of freedom already, I had a strict upbringing so I'm very lenient but I draw the line when it comes to safety. All Im asking is that she does the decent thing and asks if she can go out, and tell me where she is going, with who and to come back at an agreed time. She doesn't do that, just says sorry and then does it again. She has siblings who manage this fine and I have to be consistent right?

I will try the autistic society thank you for that!

You've all been very kind thank you for not judging me,I feel like such a failure :-(

Hi @Saahbo

I feel for you. My DD is 14, has ADHD and also feels more aligned with the trans group at school. She has a male name now and has been in a number of gay relationships with a few of the girls in her school. She's told me a few times that I am transphobic, simply because I cast doubt on some of the facts pushed on her by her trans friends (things like 25% of the school are trans, which statistically isn't possible).

With SS, it can be terrifying when you're held to random like this.

I feel your pain - I wouldn't give up on the GCSEs, as you are right, they will be what she needs to pursue A levels (and would probably need to retake maths/English if she fails them).

I can imagine it's painful to watch. There is only so much you can do. As someone else has said, if she's bright (and it sounds like she is), then further on down the line, she will carve out a decent future.

Wishing you the best.

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