Weening DD off TikTok - ideas of what to do instead

[Z0rr0]

DD is 16, about to start A level college. She just got her GCSEs and was disappointed. She did well - mostly 7s and 8s, one 9, two 6s - but they were lower than her predicted grades. Her best subject she was predicted a 9 and got a 6. She was gutted (she was 3 points off a 7 on a three paper exam so we're getting it remarked).
She says she worked hard but having done well in her mocks, when she could have been really pushing around the Easter holidays and after, she really took her foot off the gas. She spent a lot of time just lying in bed watching TikToks and often didn't start revising until late in the day. Whenever I went to try to encourage her to start, set a plan, have a timetable, all the usual revision advice she got really angry or upset and told me she was revising her way and not to keep on at her, so as hard as it was I backed off. She did knuckle down in the last couple of weeks and whilst the exams were on.
It's hard for me to tell if she worked as hard as she could and like me struggles to perform under pressure in an exam. I also dropped a grade on all my subjects from what I was predicted because I would panic and my mind would go blank and she did experience this in a couple of exams.
However she has also spent most days since the exams lying in bed doom scrolling TikTok. For hours. We had a two week holiday and she spent a short time with my parents and with her sister and has had a couple of days out to a theme park with friends. But mostly she is just doom scrolling. It's hard for us to police this because we both work full time and at her age I don't think it's appropriate to take her phone away.
Today she is enrolling at college. She has TBC autism and doesn't do well with change or at least with the anticipation of change. She struggles in social situations with strangers and comes off very monosyllabic and flat so people don't find her easy to warm to. She is aware and gets upset that she doesn't know how to make friends or talk to people.
Last night she got very emotional about all the stuff she's about to go through and how she doesn't feel prepared. She told me she doesn't know how to get a train or a bus (we are travel training the route), she doesn't know how to make herself food for lunches (we keep offering to show her but she lacks motivation and is uninterested to engage - we will keep trying).
She said her GCSE results were rubbish and way worse than what she was predicted and she's worried about how slow she is being with college work and how she won't be able to stay on top of it all. (College set her some homework and what should have maybe taken a day (if she focused for a full set of hours) has taken many days and she has little to show for it. She works with videos playing beside her.
She is aware of my concerns about the endless doomscrolling and TikTok destroying her ability to focus and her older sister has said how she often deletes it when she feels it getting too firm a grip on her. When she was upset last night she said that she uses it basically as a distraction to stop herself from thinking about the things that upset her. These include all the things mentioned above but also all the horrible world stuff going on right now which she's aware she can't impact.
So, I think she would like to try deleting TikTok and getting a bit more motivated for the new adventure that is college and sorting herself out. But I will need some suggestions of things she can do instead. I'm aware she could just read a book but I think it will be hard for her to concentrate on that if her mind is whirling. She likes drawing, painting, craft activities. She is going to do Computer Science A level and Games Design BTEC and something else TBD.
Please, if you're still reading - Thank you! - can you suggest some good activities for her to focus on, get her motivated, feeling good about herself - maybe some self-care although she's not a girly girl into make-up & hair - maybe small activities that will help her get her room sorted but won't feel too much like chores, tasty easy (veggie / fish) lunches she could try to make, or online activities that might help her with coding or learning about the courses she's about to start?

would your daughter be open to talking through the way tik tok works - how it constantly stimulates dopamine production so that the rest of life is dreary and slow and hard to focus on?

This is a cultural issue not just hers. So, that might reduce shame.

There are apps (I use one called AppBlocker) that you can set up so you have strict self blocking - mine is set so I can't delete the app and I can only change the settings at certain times. My brother in law has made it so only a code that he DOES NOT KNOW! can change the settings - and has given the code to his mum. That is how addictive phones are!

(he is ND which is why he needes his mum to help)

Your daughter is very unlikely to just suddenly have the willpower to find other interestrs.

You need to step in here and help her - with her consent - put controls on the phone that she can't so easily over ride.

The suspected autism is relevant here.

my DD has Audhd and I recognise the cycle of being anxious and using phone to calm down and then being anxious she didn’t get any work done.

if she doesn’t have her phone she does exactly the same but with Lego/drawing/cuddling the cats etc.

no advice, sorry.

Thank you. It's lovely to hear that this is recognisable. She is on the list for a NHS partner assessment. Older DD has diagnosed ADHD.

Thank you. This sounds sensible. She does know about the dopamine. I shared a thing with her the other day about how new research shows it can be similar to alcohol in how it affects people in the moment and long term and I think that did shock her and has started her thinking about it. With anything if I push too hard she will push back, so it has to be a bit of a drip drip approach until she decides herself. I didn't know about this app. I will show it to her as I do think she is addicted and going 'cold turkey' will probably be too much.

You might not want to take away her phone but you can take TikTok off totally. I really think you need to go cold turkey. Or just have a very restricted time every day, e.g. 5.30-6pm. Both of mine are ND and would use devices non stop given the chance (not TikTok as they're younger) as it does regulate them but they're not allowed- they need to learn alternative regulation strategies. What else helps her feel calm? Exercise, drawing, craft? What did she like when she was a bit younger? If she's craving dopamine a sport with an element of thrillseeking? (One of mine does BMX- climbing, martial arts, watersports might work or theatre might also give a hit).

I find I have to scaffold them into activities, e.g. do the thing with them for 20 minutes first and then they take it on. Could she have some things she does regularly, e.g. shops and cooks dinner one set day a week. Would she volunteer on something she is worried about, like get involved in climate campaigning?

Also model it- no phones upstairs, you all have a docking or landing point downstairs where you all put them. So she sees you all doing other things as well?

As Aichek says you can take Tiktok off totally in the house, that's what we've done in our ND household. We've blocked on the server, this decision was made after 1 teen became very, very anxious, the addiction was clear & teen is now so much happier and calmer. They still have the freedom to use it outside of the house but at least that comes with more natural limits. However our teens do not have data only unlimited texts and calling.