Doesnt want to do anything as a family!

[HYPERAnnie]

Dont know if this is just me being unreasonable but this is causing me a lot of stress! I've taken a week off work to spend time in the summer holidays with my kids, boys age 11 & 14.

11 year old happy to do things like trampolining, beach days, farm park - anything really but doesnt want to do it on his own. I feel now we may have to take a friend along for him to do things.

14 year old doesnt get up until late morning (!) so we cant go out until later. He just makes his own plans to go to the gym, camping etc with his friends & I have to drop/pick him up. He won't come anywhere with us as a family even if its someone none of his friends will see us. Dont know if hes embarrassed or just genuinely doesnt want to do what we're doing. Sometimes he just stays at home rather than come somewhere with us. He won't even watch a film with us, preferring to call his friends in his room or play on the playstation. He is outgoing & sociable & has lots of friends.

I feel stupid for being annoyed with him but I am! We are always working our days around him. He has a job so works 1 evening a week so thats fair enough. Most of the time we end up doing nothing as I feel I cant win. I actually feel pathetic as maybe I should just say right were doing this today or that tomorrow.

Dont really know what sort of response I want, maybe just a vent!

It's frustrating but it is part of their becoming more independent. We raise them to leave us, in the end.

I do remember my father being upset that I 'never want to do anything anymore.' It wasn't that I didn't want to do anything, I just didn't want to do what they were doing. They didn't want to do the sort of things that I wanted to do though.

That's totally normal. Let him have his independence. No good will come of forcing him to do family things.

I think it’s not uncommon but all I would say is, if you have a family day out planned, wake the 14 year old up when you need him to.

And I would point out to him that expecting lifts from you requires a bit of give and take, you’re not his chauffeur. Whether that’s his presence on days out or some chores is up to you.

Totally normal, he isn’t going to want to do things with you.

I think that’s perfectly normal. He has friends, a job, hobbies - surely that’s all anyone wants for their kids at that age? 14 is the age when teenagers start wanting to spend more time with their mates and less with their family.

Have your 11 year old take a friend instead. Financially you were going to pay for another person anyway. I'd say this is quite normal behaviour for a 14 year old. I think it's fab he has a job too.

You should be delighted he is doing so well - although its a bit sad for you, he is separating and building his own life. You need to let him go off and do his own thing - as long as he is respectful when he is at home. If you keep the relationship easy going, then after the teenage years he is more likely to want to return to you at times.

My 13 year old sounds lime your 14 year old. I also have a 16 year old with autism. He is always at home, no friends- we bring him on days out but it would be better for him to be off with friends.

They get to that age and most don't want to do family things together. It doesn't matter if he doesn't want to do it. Go without him.

God I remember this stage so well. Its gutting!!

I have two DD's but at about the same age, maybe slightly younger, they suddenly stopped wanting to do stuff with me/us. The usual family stuff we would do, such as going for a walk on weekends, they started pulling their faces about going. And its something both of them loved to do. We live in an area with forests, mountains and waterfalls and they loved exploring. We would take a picnic and they were really happy. Then suddenly doing that became 'lame' 🙄

Even our silly Saturday evening rituals of watching X-Factor together with pizza suddenly became something they didn't want to do asking if they could take their pizza upstairs instead. They chose solidarity or chatting to their friends over family time and it does feel shit when it happens.

I remember a few years ago now a McDonalds advert at Christmas that was an animated advert and it was a mum trying to do silly Christmas ritual type things with her teenager, only to be shunned when he no longer wanted to do them. It was about the time I was going through those teenage years with my youngest DD and it actually really hit home. If you YouTube it you could probably still find it.

I think as teens they all get to this stage when their worlds don't revolve around you any longer and it can feel a bit like rejection.

But the key is to remember what a cool, independent human being you are raising and this is a natural step towards them finding themselves and becoming who they are supposed to be.

Its not that they don't love you or need you but going out with their parents now and having family days out or family time just stops being appealing to them. As long as they are otherwise happy enough and thriving then leave them to it.

My 13 year old would die rather than be seen with me in public.

Its very normal

I would just focus on bringing other kids along for the younger one and be glad the 14 year old is mature enough to organise his own social life

Yes can relate op as im going through this with mine. infact my youngest age 12 has now started to not want to do anything or go anywhere too. it started with my eldest now age 17 about 3 years ago and we have done absolutely nothing altogether as a family since then.
Atleast I had my youngest to still do things with but now they're also following suit. These have been the worst summer holidays we've ever had and ive felt awful that ive not done anything with them but they simply dont want to.
I really miss when they were little and happy to go anywhere I suggested and we'd have a lovely time. I miss those days.
Ive also noticed i have very few photos of them both now aswell. they are reluctant to let me take their photos now and the lack of outings means less photo ops.
I know its part of the natural process of them growing up and separating from us but as a parent it bloody hurts and we feel so redundant. my dc rarely even speak to me these days other than the odd grunt!

Perfectly normal teenage behaviour

Thanks for all your replies I really appreciate it & feel better about it now x

Totally normal but doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Mine are 14 and 11. 14 year old has really changed this year and it breaks my heart. He has an amazing social life which is bloody great for him but I miss him so much. I forced him to do a couple of things but it was pointless and im not doing it again.
11 year old still joins in but has started to become embarrassed of us. We aren't allowed to speak loudly, hum along to music or dance etc , its very frustrating.
I took a job in a school last year so I could be off school holidays but theres no point really as they don't need or want me here and husband works from home anyway.
It has highlighted to me how empty my own life is without my kids as I'm just sitting here alone. I dont have anyone for me

Now is the time to start embracing your own life again so that when they’re fully fledged independent adults it won’t seem so harsh. Spend more time with husbands or partners, see friends, discover new hobbies and interests, socialise, travel. Your kids will eventually come back to you and enjoy doing things with you again, and spending time with you as adults rather than parents and kids.