DS17 falling apart

[abreakplease]

Poor DS17 is in tears tonight, the most he has ever cried in his life. His mental health has been going downhill for a couple of months but I suspect before that he was holding a lot in.

He has SEN (autism, ADHD) but managed to pass his GCSEs this time last year. Grades not really high enough for A levels so he did a Level 2 course in Animal Care which seemed to really suit him.

At the same time his dad left after he turned out to be a serial cheater. He hasn't see a lot of him for various reasons but they are still fairly close.

Recently he started having panic attacks so is seeing a GP soon, but now is saying he doesn't want to do Level 3 at college and doesn't want to work with animals any more. He seems completely lost.

To be honest, I am not sure I can take any more either. I have been holding everything together for DS and his sister and his breakdown tonight has brought the game of Jenga toppling down. I shouted at him in frustration and that made things a million times worse (I don't think I have ever shouted at him before).

Practically - what do I do about college starting in a week, how do I get him decent mental health support (bearing in mind his autism makes taking about anything impossible) and how in earth can I find any more in me to deal with this too!

Any advice, or experience, very very gratefully received tonight

oh, poor both of you. I don’t really have good advice but I would say that things may seem easier in the morning. Going back to college after the summer is like the worst Sunday night feeling ever, and worrying about it late at night will also make it worse for both of you. I think I’d say to him in the morning that you love him and support him but how about he at least goes back to see how it is for the first week/month before he makes up his mind, and they you and he can talk about it really seriously and calmly on a weekend morning/lunch time once he’s given it a few more days.

It’s so hard when your children are unhappy but you’ll both get through this one step at a time.

I am no expert on this but my 16 year old son was a school refuser, awful, awful time that was incredibly stressful, tears, drama, panic attacks. We are through the worse now and he is in college.
We took one day at a time, looked at lots of different college options, i tried not to shout or get too emotional. He found some hobbies, gym, hill walking ?!?, music etc. It will pass and sending hugs.

For now I would just reassure him that it’s okay to have a change of heart with college and career paths etc - adults do it all the time and it’s absolutely fine. He can have some time off college and have a think about what he’d like to do - he can ring in sick or just not go back, whatever is easier. His mental health is more important. Try and focus on the things that he’s good at - find things he enjoys doing and try and build that into some sort of next step / course that he could potentially do.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this - your poor son, and poor you - sending a big virtual hug.

At the end of the day he is just 17 - I would advise giving him just your tenderness and kindness at this point and make him feel safe, loved and able to calm down enough to try and think more clearly. I think he’s crying out for that.

Take a deep breath - if he has to pause college for now then so be it. My DS21 passed his A Levels but with low scores as he had undiagnosed ADHD at the time. He has now been on Elvanse for a year and has just achieved a very high grade on an Access to Higher Education course, which is recognised by universities as equivalent to A Levels. This has opened up so many options for him.

It is awful when you crack & shout. We’ve all been there!
I cannot advise on the mental health support but if he is still awake I would just pop in to his room & tell him that you love him, that you’re sorry you shouted, that things will be better tomorrow & you will have a talk, and maybe ask him to choose something he would like to do tomorrow - a treat breakfast, or a walk, or a film, whatever. To kind of end the night on a positive note. Then maybe you can sleep more easily & feel a bit refreshed tomorrow.

I’m sure there will be some experts around.

I might have suggested potentially deferring college until he is in a better state of mind but actually with his autism (If he’s anything like my daughter) then routine is best and having a focus is necessary. The holidays are always the hardest because everything isn’t in a routine.. once he has a clear schedule he may not seem so lost.

I know no two people with autism are the same, just my experience with my DD is that we have a terrible time in any period of uncertainty / holidays / something looming. Talking therapy is difficult but there are things around like animal therapy, martial arts therapy etc.

Thanks for your kind words everyone. I feel really heartbroken tonight, it has been such a hard year and I really thought he had found his thing with animals. As any SEN parent knows, that is the holy grail. But no, that would be too bloody easy wouldn't it! He really doesn't have any interest in anything so I have no idea what else he could do.

My relationship with his dad is a complete mess too so I don't have a partner to help me see a way forward. Feel very very despondent.

I really feel for you, that’s so awful of your ex partner. Does your DS know about alexithymia which often do occurs w ASD and can make it hard for him to name and communicate his emotions? I’d look up Dr Neff’s great resources and she has a podcast Divergent Minds.

I’d try to normalise the career stuff - that it’s common to be lost and you don’t need to decide what to do with your life right now. But that the week after next it will be so much better to be outdoors with animals than stuck at home ruminating. Do the course know about his diagnosis? And perhaps you can both lower demands at home and be kind to each other 💐.